Happy birthday twin crazy and twin husky!!!!

The sun is shining the birds are singing and my babies are 3 today. I called them this morning and they were all giggling. I will be at co-parent’s tonight and am bringing cakes and balloons. I am thrilled today. They are growing into amazing people and I am so happy to be their mother.

Have a great day everyone!!!



October 12: 132 miles

Friday! This day of the week is always a bit difficult for me and winds up in fights with Big Bro with me leaving angry at him, yet trying to resolve things before I leave. This Friday was no exception…
Highlights of the Morning:

  • Kids were up early and Red of course wanted to start the day with Cocoa the guinea-pig. So I had 3 kids and a guinea-pig in my bed as I woke up, which was perfectly fine with me.
  • Breakfast was smooth sailing, except for the fact that Red requested pancakes. I’ve stopped buying the instant stuff so there I was making home-made pancakes on Friday morning (a school day) with Big Bro making butter and bread and Twin Crazy wanting to be close to me since her “nose was sick”. As you could imagine with four kids and trying to get out the door, there were several batches of pancakes that were forgotten on the stove and burnt to a crisp. Red thought this was particularly funny.
  • I sent out some work emails as I was getting stuff ready for the morning.
  • It was a normal routine with the kids and getting out the door – kids were great. Got dressed, got shoes on, out the door and to the car quickly. We were actually VERY early today.
  • It looked like rain. In fact there was a little bit of rain when we went outside. The kids were excited by this. They wanted to show me the drops and also how the ground looked wet. It was cold. I got all the kids in the car and bundled them up with blankets and jackets as blankets. They were ready and eager to go.
  • We talked about the rain, the fog, the tunnel. We got to the intersection with all of the pigeons and there were tons on the electrical lines again. Big Bro said that it looked like they were having a “meeting”. That just cracked me up.
  • Red was talking about bridges and we actually drive over two small bridges on our way to their school/pre-school. So we started talking about the kinds of bridges there are and how the one bridge we were going on sometimes goes up to let big boats and sailboats by.
  • Twin Crazy was busy “reading” and making up stories with her notebook.
  • Drop offs were great.






Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

  • Twin Crazy, Twin Husky, and I made it back and it was cold. I turned the fireplace on. The kids were hungry again so I made them oatmeal.
  • They were busy playing and coloring as I was cleaning up a bit. Twin Crazy wanted to wear her Halloween costume which essentially is an Asian-looking dress that is pink and shiny. She looked gorgeous in it.
  • We then went to Target to get toilet paper in bulk (I still can’t believe my Costco card got cancelled by my in-laws while I’m still paying for their son’s health insurance) and some other needed items. I got some stuff in bulk on sale like vitamins, cold medicine, band-aids. The kids were great and then started to get cranky so I fled. They loved the escalator and were squealing on their way up and on their way down.
  • At home we ate a good lunch – left overs from last night. I microwaved a frozen fish fillet and after 2 minutes the thing started exploding all over my microwave. The lunch was good but I spent way too much time cleaning up the microwave for fear of fish stench.
  • We received a new guinea-pig cage that I ordered through Amazon. I was excited to give Cocoa some more space in a new cage.
  • Naptime!
  • Woke up and hauled ass to pick up Red and Big Bro. Got Red quickly, got Big Bro, and then DROVE BACK TO MY HOUSE instead of staying local before dropping the kids off at co-parents. The past few Fridays have just been tough for us. I pack like we are pack of gypsies and we sometimes have fun things to do but most times the kids just wind up fighting and I wind up mad at one/more of them. And it was rainy/cold today so I grabbed all of them and headed back to my place for an extra 2 hours before dropping them off.
  • We put together the guinea-pig cage and watched her explore her new surroundings. It is big. I have no idea where we are going to put it. But I think she is happy. I think.
  • I read to Twin Crazy and Twin Husky while Big Bro and Red disappeared playing Legos.   Twin Husky wanted to hold the book like a “teacher” with the book facing me and Twin Crazy while I was reading.   I read several books this way.  One was a counting book and he seriously knows all of his numbers, the way they look, how to count…. it is amazing how they are twins and he is so skilled at numbers and she is so skilled at communication/reading/storytelling.   Twins are amazing.
  • We had pudding as an afternoon snack.
  • Big Bro and Red then went to play at a neighbor’s house… when I went to go get them they were not there and at a DIFFERENT neighbors house. I like the fact that they have lots of friends and everything, but MAN they were in TROUBLE when I got them. I was so angry with them. At least tell me where you are! Have the mommy/daddy send me a message! I need to know where you kids are!!! Ugggh.
  • The drive home was very quiet as a result. Except for me talking about it from time to time and letting them know that they should come and tell me where they are going to be if their plans change, or tell the parents to send me a message. Red understood. Big Bro was making excuses.
  • As we were waiting for co-parent to come home, I wanted Red and Big Bro to be sure they knew that I still loved them even though I was mad at them. Red thought that this whole concept was “funny”. How can you love and be mad at the same time? But she took my hugs with smiles. Big Bro was a bit embarrassed by all of it. Why can’t I have a Friday where I leave the kids without frustration?
  • I drove back home in silence and did not even put the radio on. I felt in a funk.





So today I did SIX trips between my house and co-parent’s house. That’s 132 miles. But there was lots of conversation on the way, and I did not have to pack up like a gypsy and try to occupy the kids with activities. We had a day that was generally relaxing but also stressful. The tension of independence and trying to teach the kids good judgment was put to the test today. And the emotions of having to leave the kids on a down note was saddening to me.

I arrived to a package of bulbs from a neighbor for flowering plants. That is how this neighborhood is. The folks here are incredibly giving. This will be my activity for tomorrow.

I slept for 2 hours on the couch, in front of the fireplace and watching Cocoa’s huge cage. I woke up to a dinner of a bagel, oven-crisped kale, fist-fulls of Life cereal, a cheese stick, and 1/2 bottle of white $2 Chuck. Now I’m feeling much better.

Have a great weekend everyone

– Mama K

June 11: Running towards the end or the beginning?

A sunny Monday, after a great weekend and extra days with my mother at my new house.   The day so far has been good.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I woke up on the couch.  All of my bedroom has been moved over to my new house.  So the couch was my bed.  I showered the night before so woke up at 7 AM and got ready in record time.
  • Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were still sleeping when I got to their room.  Butts in the air – I love that position of toddlers/young kids.
  • Red and Big Bro were likewise still slumbering.  Big Bro was completely hidden under his covers except for his one leg and foot.  Red was bundled up and her face reminded me of when she was a baby… all scrunched up and lips pouting.
  • Twins woke up in great moods; I wish I could say the same about Red.   Co-parent started to take her things downstairs but she was thrown into a fit over something.  I tried to calm her but it took awhile.  I saw her baby on her bed and I think the issue was that her “stuff” was not taken downstairs as a collective package.  Once I grabbed her baby and her blanket, she calmed down, and took my hand to go downstairs.  She has become quite a handful.  She has always had trouble using her words when she is angry – and now at four years old her tantrums are becoming fierce.
  • She sulked downstairs over her chair, her clothes, her EVERYTHING.
  • The rest of the kids ate well; Twin Husky and Twin Crazy wanted to be held.
  • I packed up Twin clothes for daycare and got the rest of the kids things by the door.
  • Big Bro was getting ready for his last day as “leader” of the Motley Crew bike ride – this is his last week of school.
  • After everyone left, I was with Red, alone.  She happily got changed, happily went over to her seat, and happily ate her cereal.   She needs to be handled very carefully these days.  Her drop off was fine – she was clingy, but went to her teacher.

The ferry ride to the city was fine; it was sunny and I was talking with a neighbor.  My work is not that busy right now so I am not feeling stress on that front.  There are things for me to do but none are time-critical right now.  But that can be a problem sometimes.  I need to set my own deadlines when work gets like this – otherwise I get lazy and nothing gets done.

This is my last week living in this house.  The last week of Big Bro’s school.  The last week of our dysfunctional family lives as we currently know it.

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • It felt good to be in the office.  I missed some important meetings last week on my days off so I got caught up with a colleague.
  • I ramped up planning for one of the forums:   sent out “Save the Date” emails to the members, and also started the outreach for speakers for that meeting in Fall.   I also asked my admin to schedule a planning meeting with a subset of members for planning purposes – I already have the agenda set so am hoping to get this meeting complete soon so I can get things accomplished.
  • I started to think through sales efforts for the above forum.
  • We need to change the date for another forum I am working on.  It is a big conference week in the location we are looking at so the original dates will not work.  I need to make sure that our proposed revised date does not have any conflicts before reaching out to our members…
  • I had a fantastic lunch and enjoyed walking outside in the warm weather
  • I spent time going through admin items – clearing out emails and also going through some personal items.

I am on the ferry now and it is bittersweet.  One of my last times in the afternoon picking up all the kids.   My time here is ending and I hoped to be moving on with my husband.   I wish things could have worked differently but they did not.  I was hoping to experience this transition with him – honestly I was.   So now I face this week by myself.  And my children are in the middle.  And I wish it could have been different.

I feel happier, but lonelier, and also wondering if things will be OK for the kids.  I feel the need for positive reinforcement.   I know they will be better for me – anything will be better compared to 2011.   I recently read a quote “sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to come together.”  I am hoping that is the case for me and my family.

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • Pickups were great.  Red ran into me and grabbed my leg like there was no tomorrow.  Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were jumping up and down as my van pulled up.  They were jumping with such gusto that I laughed out loud.  Twin Husky needed to run off extra energy before getting into the van.  Big Bro was happy to get his bike but wanted it loaded into the van.
  • Red was crying because of a hurt finger.  Once she got a band-aid on it she was fine.
  • Red and Big Bro were lobbying for boxed mac-n-cheese.  I said “no way”.   Twin Crazy found two boxes hidden behind our rocking chair later that night.
  • I started dinner and threw in some laundry.   The kids were playing.  I then read Twin Crazy a book.  She asked me to read it again and again.  I think I went four times until the dinner was ready.
  • We ate.  I did more laundry.  I started to pack up some of the kids’ toys for my house.
  • I was with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky tonight.  Big Bro was upset.  He said he wished that he could switch back and forth between being himself and Twin Husky that way I could read to him every night.  I told him that I love him no matter what though.  He said he knew that.  I said “seriously” while looking into his eyes.  I need for him to know that he is loved no matter where I am and no matter where he is.  He knows this.


So I’m now sitting in an empty bedroom, listening to my laundry spin.  I’m packing up some last items.   I’m getting ready for a drive to my house first thing in the AM to accept a furniture delivery and also get my TV installed.  I bet I won’t be able to get any work done so I think I should just take the day off.   I will try to get Internet installed tomorrow AM (by myself – they sent me a kit) so that hopefully I can try to be a bit productive.  If I can’t get anything done I will just take off.

I’m feeling good, I think.  The transition is finally happening this week.  I spent 5 ½ months living in the same house as co-parent while going through a divorce process.  While listening to my children cry at night.  While standing by and forcing myself to stay out of his parenting.   While trying to work with 3rd parties but not being heard; while fighting financial aspects (much less important to me) and also child custody aspects – the latter ripping my heart out in the process.   I’ve come to accept a lot through this time; things that I took for granted I’ve had to fight for and be rejected.  I’ve even fought with my own lawyers.    But again – things sometimes have to fall apart for better things to come together.   I can only keep thinking that as I finally move from this house.   As things get better for me it will get tougher for my kids – I know this.   But the most important thing, I believe, is that they FEEL loved and that I know I can give to them.

Til tomorrow –

–          Mama K

May 31: One red raspberry and three big sticks

Thursday, a day at “home” with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky.  We had a VERY busy day…

Highlights of the Morning:

  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were excited about their pockets in their shorts
  • Big Bro reminded us that he lost his bike privilege for the morning (not listening the night before).  How mature of him!
  • I dropped off Red with the Twins – no problems.
  • We made it back and I started to load up the van.  The big milestone today was the dresser, which I loaded all on my own.  I’m feeling unstoppable.  I’m doing this whole move myself – will likely not need any movers!
  • We stopped and had a yogurt snack, and then hit the road…


Highlights of the Afternoon:

  • We got there and went to water our trees and plants, as usual – what a surprise…. the apple tree, peach tree, and newly bought cherry tree were all devoured since last night!!!!   Almost every leaf gone!!!   I was on the phone with my mom when I discovered the violation of our trees – I was laughing.   Me and the Twins were talking about it.   We watered the “sticks” anyway and then later I moved them indoors just in case any new leaves would sprout and be left at risk.
  • The GREAT news is that I saw our FIRST raspberry.  IT WAS DAMN DELICIOUS
  • Twin Husky was busy at work with the mulch in a net.  Twin Crazy was busy with bubbles.
  • They napped and I started to organize my room – getting stuff out of the closet to make room for REAL closet items like clothes.  Moving boxes to the office, to the storage closet.   Then I moved the dresser to the house and into the room…. the clothes were reunited with the dresser and decorations put on top.   My room is starting to come together, or at least look less like a storage unit.
  • I rested on the rocking chair for a bit.
  • I started to weed and then they woke up.  Snack time.
  • I weeded some more and packed up the van with weeds for the trash bin at the other house.
  • I was totally tired on the way home.




Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I picked up BBQ on the way home.  Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were both hugging figurines of pigs.  Twinkle lights were on in the windows and Twin Husky was saying “Santa, Santa”.
  • We picked up Red, Big Bro.
  • We ate quickly and ran outside to play.   I didn’t realize it but Big Bro went around the corner to knock on our neighbor’s house.. .he didn’t tell me since he knew I would say it was an inappropriate time – he initiated the party that started at our driveway.  Me, the four kids, my neighbor, her four kids, and a random dog from down the street.  Me and my neighbor were drinking Guinness together and it was wonderful for me to have a moment of “real” time with a “real” person for this short moment.  It was the best fun I’ve had in awhile.
  • Afterwards I played puzzles with Red and Big Bro.   Bedtime routine was with both of them and I think we are all exhausted.



I had an amazing day.  I am so excited about the house.  Is it wrong for me to be so happy when the kids will be made to suffer?   Call me crazy, but I enjoy pulling out big weeds.  And I enjoy looking out over the yard and thinking of the possibilities.  I enjoyed the feeling of getting the boxes under control.   And I loved when Big Bro immediately asked me if we would be driving there tonight to pick up the mail or do some work.  I love that the kids are excited about the place too.  That is important to me.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, finally looking forward to them again!  I plan on being at my house the whole time and splitting the kids in duos.  I need to talk to co-parent about that.

Til tomorrow –

– Mama K

May 16: The chair

I worked a 1/2 day and from home today. I then spent an hour or so at my NEW home and made it back in enough time to pick all of the kids up early. I was solo tonight and looking forward to spending this time with them.

Highlights of the Morning:

  • The Twins were ready to stroller to Big Bro’s school. We talked about grass-seed and new grass growing as we were waiting for the other kids to get ready. Big Bro was in the pack and enjoying his new bike. I went in to talk to his teacher and tell her about our discussion from last weekend about “Two Homes”. She looked upset/concerned. She was glad that I told her. I said there were no tears but lots of questions so he really doesn’t “get it” yet. I let her know that we were going to take the kids to see the house this weekend and that it might start to sink in more then. She said she would be on the lookout for any issues. She said that he mentioned two houses this week so I know it is on his mind.
  • I dropped the Twins off at their daycare and both looked good. Even Twin Crazy. They both have a routine where they take off their shoes in a certain spot. I helped Twin Husky unzipper his jacket [sortof] by himself. I walked back home with the empty stroller feeling a bit empty myself.
  • As soon as I got home I loaded up the van with as many boxes as I could fit. I need to get to the house today since I have a TON of stuff arriving and don’t want the things sitting outside for too many days.
  • My doorbell rang and it was my neighbor with an AWESOME wooden rocking chair that she wanted to get rid of. I was completely looking for something like this — I’ve always loved front porches — the kinds in the south that are sweeping around the houses… well, my front porch is REALLY small but I do have flat yard that runs along the front. And in the afternoon, the shade kind of hits the house in a way that it feels like there is a front porch. So I put the rocking chair right out front in the mulch. It may look silly to some, but I love it. It is completely overlooking the view of the front yard – and I imagine myself sitting there while the kids are playing in the front. I hope we spend time out there – it makes the house inviting to the neighbors and helps me to transform the house into a home.
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    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I had a conference call with a previous client to “really” close out the work this time.
  • I started to re-work the discussion document from our big meeting yesterday — adding in some content and highlighting things that were discussed on the call.
  • I had an internal call related to the forums that I help to manage. We have a lot of sales efforts going on through these forums that I feel good about. We have some work to do but all is manageable. I took the call on the road and also had some of the call as I was unpacking the shipping boxes from Amazon.
  • Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

  • I pulled up to the house and OMG there are WEEDS EVERYWHERE. The multiple terraces of mulch are now over-run by weeds. OMG. How long is it going to take me to pull these suckers? And how fast will they grow back? Will it be like plucking those pesky hairs from my chin, face, and eyebrows? A never-ending project? Will I need to go to Amazon now and find a wide brimmed hat, super heavy-duty gloves, and a wheelbarrel????????
  • I unpacked lots of shipping boxes: one bunkbed (in parts), 4 mattresses, 4 barstools, a Blue-Ray DVR plus sound system, a landline telephone system. I’m excited. I filled up my NEW recycling bin. Pickup days are Wednesdays so I just missed it!!!
  • I unpacked some moving boxes with some pictures – I put them up but unfortunately they are only of Big Bro and Red… and they are old. They were all packed up from when we moved to our “temporary” house two years ago. So I feel the need to get some pictures up of Twin Husky and Twin Crazy so that they can see themselves too when they first visit the house.
  • I disassembled the bunk bed box in my driveway and brought the bed inside in parts. Otherwise I never would have been able to drag the whole box inside. I thought of Big Bro as I was carrying in the pieces labeled “A”, “M”, etc. I thought it’s just like a Lego set. I wonder if he would be interested in helping me put the beds together….
  • I decided to start on a bar-stool project. I opened up a box to discover that you don’t need any “real” tools…. its the hand tool/wrench thing that it comes with so I had what I needed to get started. Assembling these will be easy. It’s important for me to have SOMETHING ready and set up for the kids when they see the house for the first time. I figured the four bar stools would be a good thing for them to see… to relate to. I made it through 1/2 way of my first stool when I received a phone call…
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  • Twin Crazy still had a fever and was upset. She needed me. I quickly locked up the house and headed straight for daycare. I held her for a bit and she calmed down immediately. She said she was sick in a meek voice. Twin Husky looked fine. I took them to the drug store to buy more Ibuprophen and Tylenol. I asked them if they wanted to go right home or get the rest of the kids. They wanted their siblings. So we picked up Red and Big Bro too.
  • It was like a chinese fire-drill with everyone in different seats. It was cute. I looked back and Twin Crazy was holding hands across the van with Big Bro. I love seeing things like this. Big Bro and Red used to do this several years ago when Red was a baby/toddler. I’ve always thought it amazingly cute. Big Bro is such a proud Big brother and although he does have his occasions of being mean, he really is good to them the majority of the time.
  • At home we played a bit. I was waiting to cook dinner for co-parent. Then the kids told me that he was leaving for the airport straight from work. So I started the dinner. There was a request for mac-n-cheese, chicken nuggets, and carrots. I obliged since Twin Crazy seemed interested in that. Big Bro and Red helped me make dinner. They all ate EXTREMELY well – even Twin Crazy, considering.
  • After dinner I played “wall ball” with Big Bro while the 3 others were upstairs playing quietly. Suddenly, they came downstairs and apparently they were playing “dress up” — the twins were in matching frilly dresses (pink and blue) and Red came down laughing her ass off. They were all loving the attention and Twin Husky was SERIOUSLY liking the dress. It did feel great. Not crinkly/itchy at all. It felt soft and frilly. He loved it.
  • Then the little ones played some games together while I sat with Big Bro watching a movie.
  • I started bed routine with the Twins. They love the book “The Hairy Toe”. Each knows the words. They were both reciting the book to me as I read it. I make it scary which they love. I tried to get them down but they did not want to go to bed earlier than Big Bro/Red. So we had some ups and downs and at one point I had two twins in my lap, Big Bro laying across my feet, and Red taking care of Twin Crazy as I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle”. The Twins wanted “more” singing and the bigger kids wanted me to STOP singing (I don’t blame them). Red put her hand over my mouth and I was over-garbling the words on purpose and they were all cracking up. Then I had 4 kids with hands on my mouth and they were all smiles. They eventually went to their beds. They are now all sleeping and there is no crying from upstairs at all.
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    I had a good night. I’m looking forward to my own space but am concerned about the kids and am hoping this weekend goes well. I’m hoping they will grow to be comfortable there even though it is new to them. I’m going to try my best to make it their space too and help them integrate into the neighborhood.

    We were talking tonight about Red joining us on our bike-ride to school tomorrow. I asked Big Bro first if he thought it was OK and if he would want her to join. He said yes. So I asked her about it and she’s excited. I’m looking forward to the morning with them.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    Staying Sane: Remembering the days they were born

    Working.  Mothering.   Running, running, running.   It’s helpful for me to look back and reminisce on the days my little ones entered my life.   I can’t believe how it is possible to barely remember their bodies and the way the looked on those first days – so glad that I am camera-happy and seeing these photos helps the memories flood back and bring me happiness.

    Happy Mother’s Day Mamas!!!!

    Big Bro:




    Twin Crazy and Twin Husky:


    May 11: Lunch with the Twins and Teatime with Red

    I was not working today and looking forward to some time with the twins. I asked Red if she wanted to stay home with us but she really wanted to go to school for the “mothers tea” they were having. She wanted us to go there. So, I had the day with the twins and some tea with my daughter later that afternoon…

    Highlights of the Day:

  • Big Bro was really the only one with a tight schedule and he woke up the latest. It was a fast morning for him – dressed, eat, out.
  • Everyone else was pretty happy with the slow schedule. They liked the play time and also the chance to do more things by themselves, like getting dressed. It was hard getting out the door though. Between potty, diaper change, finding things/toys, packing up snacks, etc. the time would go by and then somebody needed something else.
  • I did some laundry which also held us back a bit.
  • I held us up too… I couldn’t find my phone. Although I knew it was somewhere near the living room because I could hear the emails coming through. I couldn’t call the phone since our home phone was not charged.
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  • We dropped Red off and said we would see her later for tea.
  • I took the kids on a trip to my lawyer’s office. I had to sign some paperwork but I also had them set up with work. I talked to them beforehand about mommy needing to do some work and if it was OK if they did work too at the same time. So they knew that they were there to color and draw. They were perfect.
  • We went out to lunch afterwards which was nice. They had fun sitting next to each other and I actually enjoyed having only two with me when going out to eat. I was actually very relaxed. Maybe because I left the phone behind!!!
  • The twins fell asleep in the car on the way home; nap-time was disfunctional though afterwards since they got that catnap in.
  • I found my phone! It was hidden behind the rocker in the living room. Twin Husky was to blame.
  • We went to Red’ school and had some iced-tea, fruit, and poundcake. I was presented with a pot-holder with her handprint and a picture of a flower with her thumb-print petals. It really is sweet.
  • The kids played outside and then I had them play inside the open area at the daycare center since the three were having fun. I enjoyed watching them. My heart ached for them.
  • We got Big Bro next; he was VERY particular about hiding an art project from me. He asked me NOT to turn it over when he was getting his bike or riding home. When we got home he couldn’t save it any longer and presented it to me. It was a drawing of me with some of his commentary including: “I like to ride my bike to school with my mom” and “My mom is special to me because she is my only mom.” So, so sweet.
  • We played with Batman a bit and hung out in my room.
  • Big Bro suggested pancakes for dinner and I jumped on it. He asked if he could wipe down the table after dinner and I’m wondering if his teacher suggested the kids ask this or if he did it on his own… I’ll ask him tomorrow.
  • Afterwards was more drawing, and then Friday night movie night.
  • Bedtime was rough in that the Twins did NOT want to go to sleep. After doing their bedtime routine I took them out again to read with Big Bro and Red. All are sleeping now and Red actually went to sleep on her own, without me in the hallway – although she asked and I asked her to try to go to sleep on her own.
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    I’m wiped out. The kids were so wonderful with their mother’s day gifts and excited to show them to me. They are free-spirited and happy with each other. Tomorrow we need to sit down and talk with them about the divorce. And then their worlds will forever change.

    Have a great Mother’s Day all –
    – Mama K

    May 8: Sometimes you try so hard and it just doesn’t matter

    It is the end of the day and I can’t even begin to explain the complexities of my day today. I was working, running, picking up messes, delivering client presentations, baking cupcakes, wiping butts, … …. …. and sometimes you work so hard and it just doesn’t matter.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Chocolate Tuesday. Kids ate great; the morning was uneventful with the exception of some good bonding time between Red and Batman. Twins were in great moods and probably supercharged from the sugar.
  • Big Bro and Red both got dressed quickly and we were all out the door without a problem. Big Bro woke up to a Spiderman helium balloon that I tied to his bed the night before. I do that for each of the kids on the mornings of their birthdays.
  • However…. the Twins’ daycare provider could not take them today because of a funeral. And I STILL did not have back-up care lined up with the exception of a neighbor and I hated to impose like that… so I dropped Red off and came back with the Twins, hoping I could find the solution
  • I immediately looked for their immunization records which was needed by Red’s daycare to have them come in on a drop-in basis. Great news…. I found them no problem. Bad news… I left a message for them in the AM but they didn’t get back to me until 10 AM and by that point the festivities (tragedies) of the day were already in full swing…
  • We played with Batman for a bit. Twin Crazy had fun holding him.
  • Twin Husky showed me his “work” from the other day – a card that he was drawing on. I overheard the twins talking about it with each other and Twin Husky asking Twin Crazy to sit with him. They were so cute. I got them set up with paper and markers for “their work” so that I could begin my working day too….
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    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I had one conference call at 9 AM which I was able to muddle through most of the time on mute. But there were still some Twin talk in the background so I’m sure I didn’t get away scot-free.
  • It was the call at 9:30 that was the serious problem. I mean, a HORRENDOUS problem. It was a team meeting for a joint sales presentation we are delivering next week. Essentially I am organizing it and I’m a bit stressed at the lack of participation from our business partner and also their lack of understanding of what we are trying to do. I am very protective now of the business development efforts we do and am hesitant to bring in partners, for concern over their own motivations and using our client relationships…. anyway…. i digress. At one point in the conversation the Twins really started to get crazy. And I was leading this call. There was no way to go on mute. So I simply went outside in the yard to finish the conversation. It was literally only 10 – 15 minutes of outside talk time. Having twins does not simply double the trouble. No way. Because they team up with each other. They work together to elevate the trouble to an entirely different level. Within the 10 – 15 minutes, they (one of them) brought their little chair over to the refrigerator, and began to empty the entire ice dispenser out all over the kitchen floor. Then, they (someone) started with the water spout from the refrigerator. Then, twin Husky started filling up water cups and when I came in he was in the process of dumping the entire cup all over Twin Crazy’s head. So of course that erupted into wails. I quickly walked outside to finish the call, albeit in shock. In two minutes I was back inside, waddling through a sea of ice-water in the kitchen and dealing with two wailing Twins who were freezing cold. It was at this point that Red’s daycare called me back and said they had room. I asked when can I bring them over and they said “as soon as you can so they can transition”. THANK YOU GOD.
  • I gathered their things and told them what was happening. They know Red’s school well – I bring them there all the time to either pick her up or drop her off. So they were excited that THEY were going to school. To play with friends. To play outside. To color. To sing. To read books. To eat. To go night-night. We packed up their blankets, Twin Crazy’s lovey, Twin Husky’s Tiger. Changes of clothes. The class was in the yard when we got there. We got to see Red. The Twins fell right into the outside routine with all of the kids. I was impressed. Twin Crazy just went off and explored and started to play with a tricycle. Twin Husky was investigating a play structure. Twin Crazy was smiling ear to ear. And then squealing with Red, who was looking over the fence with her friends. Twin Husky was clingy when it was time for me to go. I asked Twin Crazy if she was OK and if it was OK if I go while she played at school, and she said “yeah” without a problem. No tears from that one. It got me a bit down seeing them in that environment. I really don’t think the daycare where they are now is good for them at this stage in their development. They need to be with other kids besides themselves.
  • I ran home and had enough time to bake 24 cupcakes for Big Bro during his aftercare class. I was running short on time but I needed to do this for him since it was his birthday and he was expecting the cupcakes. I guess someone else would have been preparing for the client meeting – but I was focused on those cupcakes for my child. You only turn 6 once, and he is at an age where he remembers these things.
  • I got myself ready in record time – big client presentation for my client project
  • I dropped off the cupcakes but the aftercare door was locked. I went into the kitchen of the school and left them with someone with specific instructions about the aftercare building and Big Bro’s name. She said for me not to worry he would get them.
  • I hauled ass to my client meeting. Stopped at Trader Joe’s for a salad.
  • We had the meeting. It went well. I made the mistake of mentioning to my Director on the team that I might have to leave early. He rolled his eyes. After the meeting he mentioned that I seemed distracted. Hmmmm. Maybe a divorce underway? Home purchase? Children in a daycare center that is brand new to them? Me rushing all around this morning not even knowing if I was going to make it to the meeting? My kid’s birthday? Wondering if the cupcakes got to him OK? Thinking about the flood in my kitchen that happened not even 4 hours ago? Distracted? OF COURSE I’M DISTRACTED!!!!!!!!!!!! So it doesn’t matter that I bust ass to try to get this work done, even though I tell them that it is virtually impossible for me to do client projects….. I got there. I presented well. I was confident. I didn’t even look at the deck before presenting. These things just don’t bother me. I was there. I made it. But it didn’t matter. I was “distracted”.
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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I got home in enough time to change cars to the mini-van and also buy gas. Then went straight to daycare to pick up the Twins and Red. They were so cute sitting at the table having a snack. The teachers said they had a great time, no tears. They stayed close to each other most of the day. But they had fun. I loved seeing them there. They said goodbye to everyone on their way out.
  • We picked up Red and she was excited to see us.
  • We then picked up Big Bro. I asked him about the cupcakes. He said there weren’t any cupcakes. I asked the workers about the cupcakes. They said there weren’t any cupcakes. WHAT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! You mean I bust my ass to get these here and there ARE NO CUPCAKES?????? It’s not even the wasted effort or the rushing that pissed me off… it was that I disappointed Big Bro. He was expecting cupcakes at aftercare. And we talked about it. And they didn’t get to him. I felt like a failure. I felt like I disappointed him. I was probably more disappointed than he was, but I still can’t believe it.
  • He rode his bike home. I asked him to think about what he wanted for dinner. He wanted mac-n-cheese (boxed kind) but with two additional pasta shapes added to it. I add real cheddar cheese to this. So he picked out the shapes.
  • As the water was starting to boil, we went in to cuddle with Batman. The kids are holding him and he is getting to know us. We were all there except for Twin Husky. Big Bro decided to go to the kitchen to start on the cheese mix and he ran back into the room saying “Mommy… something REALLY bad happened in the kitchen… you’re not going to like it……”. I was immediately worried about Twin Husky….
  • The floor was flooded AGAIN. Twin Husky was no-where to be found. Big Bro found him upstairs hiding in Big Bro’s bed.
  • Dinner went great; we all ate everything
  • 3 saved cupcakes split between 4 kids along with ice-cream went great. We all sang happy birthday.
  • Presents went great – we received boxes from my mom and dad for Big Bro to open; Big Bro got some clothes and FOUR lego sets having to do with superheros.
  • After dinner Big Bro worked on Legos. Red held Batman. Twins were acting crazy.
  • I started on Twins bedtime routine and did lots of kissing with them and talking about school. They were both tired.
  • Downstairs I worked with Big Bro on the Lego sets and picked out the pieces for him as he followed the directions.
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    They are both drifting to sleep now as I type this outside of their rooms. I had a very busy, hectic, crazy extreme day. Lots of kid-time, but lots of disasters. Flooded kitchens, crazy conference calls, last-minute back up child care, a child’s birthday, missing cupcakes, and a Director that doesn’t understand what it is like to be a mother consultant of four small kids that is going through a divorce AND buying a house and thinking about cupcakes and what to do tonight to make her son’s birthday special. He just doesn’t get it. I was THERE at the meeting and in the end it doesn’t matter. I will hear about how I was distracted.

    At least the kids were all happy today. At least Batman is beginning to trust our family. At least the closing on the house looks promising for tomorrow. And at least we are all breathing, and living, and with each other in this moment. And at least Big Bro had a great birthday, from what I can tell.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    May 3: Birthday cupcakes

    Today was my day off from work. I had the Twins as usual, but today I also wanted to steal Red from her daycare. Her birthday is coming up over the weekend and I wanted her to have cupcakes to bring into the class. So I wanted her to spend time with me shopping and preparing for baking event.

    Highlights of the Morning:

  • I went up to the twins at 7 AM and both were just waking up. I wanted Red to sleep a bit longer since we didn’t have to rush. I also wanted Big Bro to rest in a bit since he gets ready so fast now once he’s up. Twin Crazy wanted to wear stockings so we put them on, underneath a comfy pair of pants. She is so cute.
  • Twin Crazy was cuddly and very clingy today. I spent most of the morning walking around with her. She wasn’t interested that much in breakfast, but was VERY interested in Red’s butterfly tattoos that she spotted on the counter. I said she could hold them but that they were Red’s.
  • We went upstairs to Red and Big Bro. Red noticed the tattoos right away. I told Red that I already explained to Twin Crazy that they were hers [conflict avoiding]. So they sat there together looking at the butterflies and talking about the different colors that they saw on each one.
  • Eventually Twin Husky came up to see us too. “Mommy….mommy….” I love it. My littlest guy. The youngest of the four by 1 minute. So I had all kids upstairs with me and I needed to get them back down! I helped to lay out the clothes that Big Bro picked out and told him to make sure he changed his underwear and socks. [Yuck]
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    Highlights of the Day:

  • Red and I finished breakfast and talked while Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were busy playing with each other and talking. They both were strolling around with toy strollers and then feeding the Tigers water which turned into a big mess.
  • We got ready to go shopping for the cupcake supplies. We talked on the way over there about other food we needed too. They were great to shop with. They all followed me around, didn’t grab too many things, and we even ran into a neighbor. “OK guys, now what do we need?…… let’s go over here…. come on guys….”. Then a child says “How about this?!?!???” – even the twins are doing it now. They had a great time in the cake aisle. I do get a lot of looks from people when I go shopping like this. I DO hear them as they whisper behind me “How does she do it?”. Little do they know that I have ANOTHER one at school at the moment so yes it is FOUR. I love it.
  • After shopping we had a snack, played peek-a-boo, and did our nails. Red was in charge since it was her polish.
  • We then made home-made play dough and that kept them busy for awhile.
  • Lunch was a disaster. I made beans, cheese, and salami and was busy in the kitchen doing something and when I came back to the dining room, all of the food was thrown all over the place. I couldn’t believe it. These kids are normally so good. And Red should know better!!! So I had all the kids on the floor picking up the food and saying that I felt mad and that this was bad behavior. So they all went up for their naps immediately afterwards with empty stomachs. No one put up a fuss though about going to sleep. I think they were too scared to.
  • I did some work while they were napping. I threw a whole chicken into a crock-pot with lots of spices for dinner.
  • Once they got up, we went to pick up Big Bro. He rode his bike back home and we followed him.
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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • We started on the cupcake project which was a lot of fun.
  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were helping me with carrots for the dinner.
  • They ate well. Afterwards, we decorated 4 cupcakes and they each had one. Twin Crazy’s was the littlest (barely there even) but she didn’t notice. She was enthralled by the colored candy sprinkles and frosting.
  • I did 4 batches of cupcakes and ran out of paper cups. I sent Big Bro to our neighbor’s house to pick up some more. And then I asked for more and she went to the fence to drop them off – but I didn’t see that text – but Red saw her hands coming through the fence…. “Mommy… mommy!!! I see a hand! I see a hand!!” I had no idea what she was talking about. I was looking all over the kitchen for a shadow of a hand or something and then I looked out the window and my poor neighbor was waving these cupcake cups in the air. Too funny. I was hysterical and the kids were too.
  • Kids were jumpy after all the sugar but they did such a great job working together to decorate the cupcakes.
  • I had Big Bro and Red for bedtime routine and got them to calm their bodies down so that they could be reasonable at storytime. They were great. Big Bro actually read the book that Red picked out and I could tell that he was proud, as was I.
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    So now I’m in bed and very drained. I loved the time with the kids but there is so much going on right now in terms of the divorce, me buying a house, and work/final deliverables…. I feel like I’m getting hit in all directions and there is no one on my side. But I refuse to give up. I’m from the East Coast and we’re made of stronger stuff out there. Must be the water.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    April 26: Lotion heads

    Tired. Throbbing headache. Big Bro is throwing a fit upstairs right now with co-parent. I’m downstairs in my room, like an outsider.

    Highlights of the Morning:

  • I woke up to Red coming into my room at around 6:30. She wanted to talk to me and play with my red beads.
  • All kids got dressed, fed, vitamins.
  • I strolled with the Twins as Big Bro scootered with the Motley Crew. The Twins looked ridiculous with the hair all over the place from the hand-soap incident the night before. Their hair was sticking up all over the place.
  • I strolled back with the Twins and we came back to a warm house.
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    Highlights of the Day:

  • We played with puzzles, ate snacks, cuddled on the couch, read books. Twin Husky had fun with the spray bottle.
  • There was lots of fighting and arguing and even hitting today between the Twins. I think they are getting bored with each other. It would be nice to have them interact more with other kids besides themselves and the older siblings. They were like an old married couple with each other today.
  • Throughout the day I answered emails where I had to and even had a quick conference call.
  • I made lunch and then we went for a drive. I asked them to nap in the car and it was so cute how hard they tried to close their eyes and go to sleep. It eventually worked and soon both were snoozing.
  • I had a meeting with my realtor to sign some docs; Twins were sort of behaved but not so much. Twin Husky dumped an entire container of Cheerios all over the floor. Twin Crazy had a pee-pee accident all over the floor. Twin Husky’s diaper came loose and when he let he pee-pee loose, it went all over his pants. Basically an embarrassing mess.
  • We got back and tried to rest a bit in my bed. It was cute but lasted only 10 minutes.
  • We picked up Red, then picked up Big Bro. Big Bro scootered all the way home.
  • As I made dinner the kids got into some hand lotion and wound up greasing themselves up all over the place. Thankfully I got to them before there was any lotion in anyone’s eyes.
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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • Kids ate well except for Red. She ate nothing. I offered her milk but she refused. So she will be hungry tomorrow.
  • I cleaned up while co-parent gave Twins a bath.
  • Twins went to bed very easily.
  • Red and Big Bro were having their troubles; Big Bro came down to me looking for a shirt to wear for bed. I dried his eyes, handed him a pile of clean clothes, and told him that things would be alright. He’s upstairs now and it is finally quiet.
  • I’m really tired. I have a lot on my mind and feel drained. I don’t think I really had time to decompress from last week. Yesterday was so great for some reason…. today was good with the Twins but I honestly had no good quality time with either Big Bro or Red. I feel like I hardly saw them today. I need to make it up to them over the weekend.

    Looking forward to going to bed.
    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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