May 1: Chocolate Tuesday, almost botched

Tuesday. Chocolate Tuesday. But we forgot until Big Bro and REd woke up to remind us….

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:
<li Twins were downstairs acting silling, asking for "Daddy's cereal". Music was on and I was asking Twin Husky if he wanted to dance. He laughed instead. I asked where they want their kisses. He pointed to the top of his head. Twin Crazy said "nossssing (nothing).

  • I went upstairs to check on Big Bro and REd. Big Bro was awake but resting. I sat on his bed and he said that “bagels and just like donughts without the chocolate.” I said, yes, they are similar. We then talked about the ingredients of bagels, donughts, and cake. How each have flour but the amount of sugar used surely changes. And probably the other ingredients too. I suggested we look up the ingredeints used for all three to see how the ingredeiants are similar and different. I was caressing his hair and face during hte conversation and he laughed saying that it iwas making him fall asleep again.
  • Red was up by this time. We were laughing about how I need to help her carry her things downstairs. Her HUGE backpack is ridiculous. And I offered to take down her pile of clothes for the day. Big Bro asked me to come up for him next.
  • I came back up for Big Bro and he wanted to get changed first before coming downstairs. But he tricks me into thinking he’s changed his underwear and socks. I checked the underwear and told him he’s taking a short-cut and sometimes in life taking the short-cut actually winds up taking you more time and effort. I made him change his pants and change his underwear. I’m not sure about the socks. He may have tricked me there. I smelled the socks and they seemed OK but again I’m not sure.
  • Downstairs Red was upset about something. He seat was empty so that was not it. I remembered she was telling me that the twins went into my room to play with my marbles. So maybe she was sulking because I didn’t continue that conversation. So I asked her about the marbles and for her to show me and she lept up and we ran to my room and she showed me the decorative marbles on teh floor. She helped me to pick them up and I thanked her and said that the Twins were ridiculous. 🙂 She was happy again.
  • All kids eating chocolate Tuesday. Twin Husky stealing Twin Crazy’s which did not go over well.
  • We talked about a birthday gathering for Big Bro and Red this weekend – this Saturday…. this is such late notice that I don’t know what kind of crowd we will be able to muster up. I will reach out to parents today.
  • Big Bro was excited about the bike ride.
  • I gave Red all the vitamins for all the kids for her to distribute. I asked her if I could trust her not to eat them all herself. She promised and did a great job.
  • Drop off for twins was good; Twin Crazy was cranky about a lost lovey blanket. Twin Husky was happy.
  • Drop off for Red was great; she asked if she could ride her bike home one day from school. I suggested we do this on a day that I pick her up early or on a weekend – that way she isn’t too hungry/cranky on the way home. She agreed that this was a good idea. They are having a cinqo de Mayo party this Friday. Her birthday is actually on Cinqo de Mayo so now I need to bake cupcakes. What a week!!
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    I am on the ferry right now and am actually a bit overwhelmed by everything happening in my life right now. Just too much. I have a mortgage that should hopefully be approved today, so therefore funding on my end to happen today. I have 3 different “projects” related to the divorce that I need to stay on top of. I have two birthday parties to get organized for this Saturday. I have one client project that is due next Tuesday (Yikes). And one big conference call meeting that I need to organize for mid-May. Honestly, all are top priority. How can I prioritize top-priority things?

    I make a list and bang it out. I move quickly. I need to know what is to be done and allocate the time for it and get it done and move to the next thing FAST. I need to make sure that I eat a good breakfast on days like this so I will buy something substantial today. Then get in the office and get my head down and stay focused. Start on the smallest thing first and get it out of the way and then keep moving and moving until I’m attacking what NEEDS to be done without question. The birthday note to parents will likely be top of the list – I don’t want to drop the ball on two children this weekend.

    Highlights of My Working Day:
    I was quiet busy…. both professionally and personally. No lunch!

  • The first thing I did today was start to reach out to parents to make some sort of party happen for Big Bro and Red. I’ve nailed down many friends but still have to reach out to others. I hope I can make this day special for them.
  • Conference call related to a forum that we are planning; I am leading efforts. We decided to make it a conference call versus a face to face so we can get broader client participation. I need to re-communicate with participants, continue to sell participation, and also get materials together to make the meeting a success. I spent some time afterward re-crafting go-to-market messaging and also indicating next steps for our internal team.
  • Had another conference call as a follow up from our meeting when I was traveling. I don’t like this potential partner and do not trust him. Internally we are going to invest to get feedback from our clients before we spend too much time investing further in this effort.
  • There was alot of back and forth related to the mortgage.
  • I spent time doing divorce-related things like organizing documents, printing, scanning. This is such an amazing waste of time.
  • I tried to get my act in gear related to the client project, but just couldn’t do it. I’ve mapped out all day tomorrow to work with the team so hopefully I’ll contribute something then.
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    I’m on the ferry and am really tired. It’s only Tuesday. I feel crushed. My arms hurt from the reams of paper I’ve carried home today. I’m not sure about dinner. But I’m happy about getting the kids.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • Pick ups went fine; first Red, then Twins, then Big Bro.
  • Big Bro rode his bike home. I went extra slow and gave him a big lead so he could beat us at the end of the lagoon trail.
  • I called for a pizza delivery for dinner.
  • As I was getting the kids and stuff unpacked, the back yard neighbors suddenly started appearing in the house. Then I turned around and ALL of the backyard neighbor’s kids were at hour place. So I had 8 kids in total. I was making a huge joke out of it saying that the kids are multiplying and growing like weeds…. so funny. The kids were having a ball and cracking up.
  • Pizza guy came and out went the neighbors kids
  • We had some tantrums with Red and Big Bro; I’m not sure if Twin Husky ate anything.
  • Smoothies after dinner; YUM
  • After dinner we did puzzles and counted the ladybugs in our habitat. Big Bro wrote a note for the kids behind us, wanting them to come over for a slumber party. He left the note by their garage with a rock on top so they could get the note in the morning.
  • I had Red and Big Bro tonight for bedtime; Twins were acting crazy.
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    I am so tired right now I can’t get over it. I feel like the energy is drained right out of me. I feel like my money on my lawyer is the worse use of money ever; I somehow need to pull back;
    – Mama K

    March 27: Lots of rain but no heat.

    Rain! Rain! Rain! I’m moving slowly this AM. A bit from the rainy gray day, and also lack of sleep. Red was up crying last night at 1 AM and co-Parent was barely getting out of bed. She went right back to sleep but the heat was not on!!! [How much money does it really save to keep the heat off during the night?] It was 62 degrees in the house! So we were moving kindof slow today, and now ALL FOUR KIDS are sick. Sneezes, runny noses.

    Highlights of the Morning:

  • Chocolate Tuesday!! Twins were happy eating, even though they were sneezing intermittently.
  • Red and Big Bro were still upstairs, slumbering. It was hard to get Red up. She was moody. I had trouble with her picking out her clothes [this should be done the night before]. She had issues with the shirt, the pants. I sat with her and talked with her. I told her I felt tired. And a little bit sick. And that sometimes its hard to get moving in the morning when you feel that way. But I said I was going to eat breakfast to give me some energy (I usually don’t eat at home – lack of time). I asked her if she could help me pick out my breakfast (cream of wheat packets) and that I would eat if she would too. That seemed to work. She embraced me and we went downstairs together with her pile of clothes.
  • Red picked out my breakfast and she got ready for Chocolate Tuesday.
  • I took Twin Crazy to the potty for positive reinforcement. I told her how proud of her I am. Her face squishes up in a big smile whenever I say that. She is doing soooooooo good with potty training. Hopefully she does well today.
  • I next went to work on Big Bro. He was upstairs still in bed. I mentioned Chocolate Tuesday. He still wasn’t moving quickly. I talked about last night and how he went to sleep late and that’s why he must feel a bit tired this morning (and I do too). Then we started talking about the funny things from last night… how Red was asking in the monitor “[Big Bro], where are you?”…. and “Mommy….. I’m scared.” And we talked about how I hear them at night when they are talking to each other as they go to sleep and how I laugh when I hear them laugh and say funny things. We both were laughing at that. I put a pile of clothes together for him (favorite pair of jeans) and gave him privacy to get changed upstairs by himself.
  • I ate breakfast!!!
  • Got Big Bro’s breakfast
  • Dished out the vitamins for all of the sick kids
  • Helped Big Bro with his sneakers (our little together time)
  • Helped Red get changed; she had her backpack ready.
  • Found out that the Motley Crew was still going to RIDE today so we got Big Bro’s helmet on and off he went. I text with the other mommy which makes things really easy in the morning.
  • I packed up the Twin bag and Co-parent dropped off Twins.
  • I dropped off Red and we made a quick pit-stop to the bathroom to wipe off the chocolate off of her face. I like this one-one time with her. I took my time wiping off her face and was gentle with her. We talked about how Twin Crazy likes to wipe our faces and laughed about that. We walked into her classroom and again she was proud of her HUGE backpack. Once we got there, I realized that she showed up to school with FOUR jackets…. two spring jackets, one fleece, and one raincoat. All but one shoved in her backpack. Too cute.
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    I arrived in the Ferry parking lot a bit early, was able to get a parking spot without a problem. Then the rain started. I sat there for a bit since I was early. I checked my email. I wondered how Big Bro’s ride was going and that hopefully they reached the school in time.

    Now I’m on the ferry and it is bumpy. It’s supposed to rain the rest of the week. I will be busy again today. I have seven meetings today and am overbooked for two of them — 3 related to forum planning, 2 related to client project, one performance review (mine), one firm-wide staff meeting/conference call. PLUS I need to still get work complete for a different client project. It will likely be quite impossible. I’ll have to lug that binder back home and focus on that tomorrow, I betcha.

    Highlights of the Working Day:
    Another busy day —

  • 2 planning meetings for forums;
  • 1 interview with a potential speaker – we are going to bring her in for the Fall, but not for the Spring since her data will be more relevant then
  • 1 primary interview for the client project
  • 1 status meeting with the client to preview initial insights from interviews and our refined thinking of the quantitative analysis
  • my annual review. It was OK. 2011 sucked and my review reflected that. But my new role with the forums is working and they will continue to focus me in that area, while allowing me the time to cultivate client relationships/project sales, but also reducing my direct involvement with project delivery. I have to keep myself focused on work and on the kids. I need for both of these aspects to stay on track – I will worry about myself later. Overall I’m pretty satisfied with the discussion.
  • So now I’m on the ferry and it is a completely rough ride. We are tossing and turning all over the place and its actually quite fun. We’re hitting big swells and I’m getting that negative g-force feeling in my stomach. Fun.

    I’m looking forward to an evening with the kids. Not sure about dinner – I have not planned that far in advance. Maybe fish since that cooks up quickly in the oven, even frozen.

    Dinner and Bedtime:
    Rain, rain, rain…

  • I picked up Red in a downpour. She wore her cute little cat raincoat.
  • We picked up Twins next. And then Big Bro. Big Bro and I ran through the rain to get his bike. We were both soaked by the time I loaded it into the trunk. Looks like we’ll be dropping him off tomorrow – we’re expecting rain the rest of the week.
  • I got everyone home and started dinner. Red was having multiple breakdowns. Crying and not talking. Not communicating the issue. She gets that way sometimes. I think the lack of sleep and feeling sick are impacting her today.
  • We found two different spiders and the kids went nuts looking at them each. I was brave and got some paper and collected the scared creatures and returned them outside. I probably drowned the poor things – they were probably escaping the rain; we rarely see spiders at all inside the house.
  • Kids ate reasonably well. Red had one or two tantrums.
  • Twin Husky has been crying on and off all night too.
  • Big Bro has been teasing a bit.
  • Co-parent is playing with the kids on the floor. He’s actually awake. No… wait… he just put his head down and is now snoozing with the kids around him. Typical. He’s just laying on the floor with his eyes closed with all of these kids surrounding him. It makes me ill.
  • Twin Crazy just came over to me for a visit. I’m going to play with her now.
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    I’m sitting down, feeling like crap. I can barely swallow. My head is pounding. My throat hurts and my nose is running. I’m achy. I want to curl up and make this go away. I can’t stand the sound of his voice.

  • I had bedtime with Big Bro and Red. It was really fast. Twin Crazy paid us a visit and sat on Big Bro’s lap for a bit during booktime. Big Bro was trying to get me to read a second book and I wouldn’t give in. Red was acting playful despite the lack of sleep. Big Bro looked exhausted. I tucked them both in, gave them their kisses, and headed out the door.
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    So I’m downstairs now, feeling like poop. I just ate a huge bowl of ice-cream with Rice Krispies mixed in (my favorite). This is not a very healthy living environment. I feel like this is my bear den and my cubs are upstairs too far away from me. I want to fast forward. Red is crying. Let me go to her.

    After talking, reassuring, laughing, more hugging, and I love yous, it is now 9 PM and this child has started to cry again. Wish me luck tonight.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    March 20: Feeling too old for horsie-back rides

    I’m tired this morning and I know that I have PLENTY to do at work – a good thing, I suppose.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Red had a really hard time going to sleep last night. But despite this, she is still the first one to wake up in the AM. She woke up at 6:20 AM calling for me, and I went to get her and brought her downstairs since it was soon time to get up anyway. She sat in my room and we talked. She saw the empty bowl of ice-cream sitting on my bedstand from last night and she totally caught me. “Hey, what’s that bowl of ice-cream doing over there?!???!?!”. She giggled when I told her that not only did I have ONE bowl of ice-cream last night, but I had TWO bowls….. we were both laughing together at that.
  • I showered while she hung out in my room.
  • Chocolate Tuesday! Kids were loving it. Chocolate Nutella was everywhere. Twin Crazy and Red were sharing a butter knife and picking the chocolate goodness off of the knife together.
  • Big Bro was still sleeping, but when I told him it was Chocolate Tuesday he smiled and said he forgot about that. And, he was able to ride his bike today. So, he had lots of good reasons to get up this morning. He agreed and rolled out of bed.
  • I gathered the extra socks that daycare requested. I also made myself instant coffee. I styled my hair and put on make up.
  • I diapered the twins and kissed their faces. I consoled Twin Crazy for something that upset her. I helped Red get dressed. Big Bro was anxious about riding and I kept a careful eye on my watch to let him know when it was OK to get ready.
  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky had fun in the front seat of the van while we were getting our things together. Twin Husky wanted to sit in Big Bro’s car seat to feel like a big kid so I let him.
  • All drop offs were fine. We were ahead of schedule.
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    So now I’m on the ferry and still a bit tired, and extremely hungry. I’m looking forward to a real big coffee and maybe a chocolate croissant. I love my new office. There are so many things nearby – banks, drug stores, lunch spots, people. Activity. Movement.

    I will have a lot of work to do today but honestly I have 4 hours of back-to-back meetings. How do you get work done when your time is spent like this? And I know that there are to-do’s that will come out of these meetings so that just adds on the work load. Our forums our exactly one month away so this is crunch time. I have 5 presentations to personally prepare for and deliver during these forums, speakers to still secure, speakers to coordinate logistics, presentations to review, and communications to make sure occur between the participants and the presenters. In addition to this, I also have a client project to manage, and the end of the project will occur AT THE SAME TIME. Seems like too much, right? I agree.

    I am feeling good, I think that putting on nice clothes and having hair and make up done help. I feel like a person. I’m looking over at the ex on the ferry and his eyes are closed. Typical. I’m not missing anything from that relationship. So much about him was so hard to reach. So unknown. So much unsaid. I’m sure he feels but does not express and avoids any kind of conflict. He’d rather just close his eyes and dream it away.

    Highlights of My Working Day:
    Busy! Back in the office which was great!

  • I got in and responded to some emails
  • Conference call for a potential business opportunity
  • Internal meeting regarding our sales pipeline and initiatives; I gave all updates on what I’m pursuing and the team seemed energized on the opportunities
  • Meeting to sync with conference planning on one of the forums
  • Team meeting regarding to client project and other data to gather; billing and invoicing
  • I spent time with outreach to speakers and potential members. Will likely have to do some work this evening.
  • I’m tired, but looking forward to the kids. I hope tonight’s bedtime routine is not as bad as last nights.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I picked up Red first, then Twin Crazy and Twin Husky. Twin Husky wanted to sit in Big Bro’s seat. Twin Crazy was crying for her baby, whom she was missing all day today. We then went to pick up Big Bro, and then followed him (5 mph, with hazard lights on) along the slow streets to our house.
  • I cooked dinner and the kids were playing really hard together. Lots of laughing and no crying! No-one being mean!!! They were just having a really good time with each other!
  • Together we all took a short walk to the mailbox to get the mail.
  • After dinner I did some horsie-back rides with all of the kids; also some airplane rides and flips.
  • I was with Big Bro and Red tonight; we picked out clothes, read our books, and they were in bed by 8 PM. So far Red is not crying. So far so good.
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    I am so tired today. I feel crushed, physically and mentally. I feel like I need to relax but it is almost impossible to do so. Between big work meetings coming up, and things with the divorce, it is extremely hard for me to just decompress and unwind.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    December 19: Holiday Blues

    I am reunited with the kids after a weekend of being away from them. I returned late last night and looked at each child sleeping – kissed them and covered them up and then went to sleep myself.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • This morning, Twin Crazy and Twin Husky came in – Twin Crazy was smiling and she ran over to me and gave me a hug; I said how I missed her and hugged her and how I wanted to see her face. She leaned back so I could see her face and she gave me a HUGE smile. Twin Husky was being coy. Red walked into the room and she smiled and sat in my lap. She showed me her new things that she got over the weekend. So sweet.
  • All kids downstairs were great; ate well. Talked about what they wanted. Got dressed/ready without a problem. It was a breeze….. until….
  • Red’s breakdown as we were leaving. She had a problem with her shoes…. which led to a problem with her jacket….. which led me to forget her lunch….. and we were running late. I dropped off Red and Big Bro at Red’s school (Big Bro’s public school is closed for 2 weeks so we are taking him to “camp” at Red’s school for several days each of the weeks). I had to pay for a hot lunch for Red today. I hope Big Bro packed his lunch in his backpack or else we will have to pay for him as well…..
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    Now on the ferry, it is quiet. I am wearing jeans. I will be busy today and am hoping the office is empty/quiet as well so I can get some work done. I’m looking forward to seeing my dad again at the end of the week. I needed a dose of family and feel lucky that I am getting a double-dose between my trip to celebrate his birthday and his trip out here to spend time with our family for Christmas. We will also need to celebrate his birthday again, since he is a Christmas Eve baby (and a twin, but that’s a separate point).

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I led our weekly staff meeting at lunch where we normally talk about workloads and what opportunities we need help proposing on or work we need help to execute – but because we are so close to the holidays, this was really time for us to shoot the shit. We talked about plans for the holidays, skiing, baby milestones, my kids holiday performances, etc.
  • I followed up on some admin-related items and billing for the forums I am managing.
  • I attempted to get the meeting minutes finished, and also my client deliverable finished, but I just did not have the initiative. I’m feeling down. I just couldn’t get myself started.
  • I talked with a Director about some non-work related stuff – things going on with me and things going on with another colleague – not the kinds of things that are uplifting. But it’s good to talk to people and gain others perspective. It also makes you realize that we all have issues that people are dealing with. Some of them quite heavy. It upsets me when I know that someone is hurting but I can’t really reach out to them – if it is inappropriate or they are just not ready to talk or the problem is too recent, too raw for them. So that is what is happening with a colleague. And that brought me down a bit further today.
  • Don’t tell anybody (laugh), but I spent the rest of the day on personal items. I helped a friend (actually, an ex-Boss of mine from the past) who is about to publish a survey and I took the survey and gave him feedback on the structure/content. I made doctor and dentist appointments for the kids. I did some Christmas shopping via for the kids. Can you believe this???? I score a reduced work-week and I had the audacity to use the time today to do non-work related things???!?!? I feel guilty now. A bit. But just knowing that the kids are shopped for makes me feel good. A bit. A tiny bit.
  • I worked on my calendar for the rest of this short week and blocked out time for me to actually do work. I have three deliverables I must finish by Wednesday night. So hopefully tomorrow I will have the fire back and will get my shit done.
  • Now I’m on a train, headed to my weekly appointment. I have a lot to discuss tonight. I have a headache, I am tired from my travel weekend, and I am not feeling like me. For the first time I am feeling the “holiday blues”. I don’t like it. Not at all. Note to my friends: It will be a miracle if you get a holiday card from me this year. And if you get anything, it will be digital and sent through email/facebook/etc. 🙂

    Hopefully 2012 will bring a better set of opportunities and circumstances.

    Tonight when I get back I will miss the Twins’ bedtime routine entirely. This is hard for me since I didn’t see them this weekend. I will steal some time with Big Bro and Red. I will hold them close. I will smell their hair. And then I will retreat. Will then check on them while they are sleeping and then slumber myself.

    I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow!!
    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K

    November 2: Away and alone

    Today I packed up and left on a flight for a work trip. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.

    My flight wasn’t scheduled until after 1:30 so I took the opportunity to work from home this am. It also allowed me to ride with Big Bro this am and stroll with the Twins. I said goodbye to Red and asked her if it was ok to pick her up early on Friday. She said yes with a smile. I will also have my dad with me since he’s flying in for a weekend visit. I’m looking forward to that.

    The ride with Big Bro was quiet. We went alone without the “pack” of riders from Monday. It was peaceful. He took his time without the need or pressure to keep up with the bigger kids. I was with him. The Twins were with him. We quietly made our way to the school. He asked for me to get him a lock for his bike, which I promptly ordered from amazon when I got home. The Twins enjoyed their stroll. Twin Husky was busy at the edge of his seat looking around at everything and saying words. Twin Crazy was quiet – the breeze flowing through her hair. She would sneak a look up towards me from time to time and grin like you wouldn’t believe. I would hold her face and look into her eyes and call her my “sweetie” each and every time.

    Once everyone was dropped off I just felt very alone. I walked home with the empty stroller and REALLY wanted the tears to come but for some reason they just couldn’t. Again the feeling of numbness. Crispness in the air. Brown leaves on the ground. Starting to feel connected to a community yet still feeling lost, unwound, broken. Almost glad to be leaving this for a couple of days.

    I got home and did some work. I headed to the airport. I had a call with two Directors about a reduced workweek. They support this idea for me. They need to discuss it with some others though first before it becomes official. I can wait for that. I have the patience of an elephant although it has been tested and pushed to the limit this past year and even years prior. I need this job. But I need more of me back. For myself and for my kids. I want to be a mom first above everything else. I’ve sacrificed too much and for too long. Now it’s my turn.

    I’m on the plane now and am feeling ok. A bit sad. Not as energized as I would like to be. Missing the kids already and aching for more clarity in my life. Wondering where the old me went and if I’ll be able to get her back. Wanting to laugh but feeling too tired.

    It will be good to be out tonight with colleagues and clients. I know I’ll be able to rustle up the energy I need for that. I’m thankful for having this outlet and small break to reflect on things and hopefully enjoy myself and squeeze in some laughs. Even if they are forced.

    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K

    p.s. I’m now at the hotel and have had an amazing change of heart! Look at this place!!!! I’m going to see if there is room for me for a massage before dinner! At a minimum, I’m going to use the outside hot-tub and pool! And maybe get a frosty drink! Life does not suck now. 🙂


    November 1: Back to work, selling work, starting more work

    Back to the rush and bustle of a normal commute to work.   I was struggling, and the kids were really calling for Mommy this morning.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • For some reason, we woke up to Red in our bed this morning.  I’m not exactly sure why, but I didn’t mind.   I liked snuggling up to her and holding her.  She likes to play with my hair.   I missed her from her weekend away from me and things were so busy yesterday that I feel the need to spend extra time with her.
    • I got a message from our neighbor about this morning’s “ride” – Big Bro and I talked about it the night before and he prefers if I go and only me – he thinks the kids go too fast and he can’t keep up.  I think his bike just needs to be adjusted a bit.   I honored his request today but would love to see him fold in with the “pack”.
    • Twins were up so I helped to set them up with breakfast – they are both loving oatmeal these days.   I’m running out of my stash.  I’ll need to stock up.   Over the weekend I made the home-made stuff but during the week we need the luxury of quick packets – I can’t believe how much they are eating.   “Oatmeal.  Oatmeal.”
    • I shower and dress, quickly.  No make up.  Did nothing with my hair.
    • I helped to get Big Bro and Red dressed.   Red wanted to wear her Hello Kitty Halloween shirt.  So then Twin Crazy wanted hers too.
    • Twin Husky was running around getting into trouble.  Getting stuck in chairs, shoving his face into a pre-school magnifying glass (I wish I grabbed a picture of that), and just running around the place at break-neck pace.
    • Red had a hard time getting packed up.  Twin Crazy was upset in the van.  For some reason  my girls are having a tough time today.
    • I dropped off Twins and then Big Bro; Hubby took Red.   Big Bro took a picture of the kids into school today and wanted to show his teacher.   She may have him show and tell today.  She is wonderful.

    I’m on the ferry now.  I can’t remember the last time I took the ferry.   Work may be a bit hectic today.   They are questioning my request to take a 50% reduction in work.  I need this, and badly.   I’ll also be traveling from Wednesday through Friday and would like to get more balance in my life.   Looking back over the past year, the past 5 years is actually amazing.  I can’t believe all that I did, non-stop.  No-one should have to do this.  There is more to life than running for the sake of running.  I want to slow down and enjoy my children.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    It felt good to be in the office, at first.  I heard about their Halloween and talked about mine.  I like being in an office environment.

    • I reviewed a proposal that we will submit on Thursday.  Made some suggestions on positioning, language, and project references to include.  I think it looks good.
    • I had a discussion with a key Director about my proposal to reduce my workweek.   He is generally OK, however is concerned about our pipeline of proposals and who could do the work.  I assured him that I could be flexible if needed.
    • I started a project today that I have been in the process of selling for months now. I do not think it will be too difficult.
    • I prepared for my trip – gathered marketing collateral and brought materials I will need for the meeting.

    On the commute home I felt wiped out.  Literally.   I put my head down and took a nap.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    I was on my own tonight; Hubby was working late.

    • I picked up Red first since I felt like I needed some alone time with her.  She was excited to show me all of the art that has been piled up in her folder.   I sat with her and we went through each piece and talked about each one together.  She was also thrilled about a little red dinosaur stamp set that you can stamp on paper – she was busy stamping her hands.
    • We picked up Big Bro next.   Red promptly asked him if he wanted a stamp on his hand.  He did.   She was so cute stamping his hand for him.   They played outside on the gate and acted like monkeys.
    • We picked up Twins next.  Twin Husky was all riled up like normal; Twin Crazy seemed a little sick.
    • When we got home we were stamping, sweeping, singing, and dancing while I made dinner.    Big Bro was doing a little bit of sulking since I did not let him have any candy.
    • After dinner the Twins were tired so I got them ready for bed; milk for all; puzzles with Big Bro and Red.
    • Red had a hard time going to bed tonight.   I sat with her a bit and held her, talked to her, and she taught me some sign language.   I asked her if I told her how much I loved her today – today I loved her so much that I squeezed her little finger.
    • I finished the night by packing for my trip.   It will be a short one with no time zone change so it should be easy for me.   I miss my kids already.   I’m already planning on a fun morning with them – walking Big Bro to school with the Twins in a stroller.   I’ll need to make it up to Red when I get back from my trip.Til tomorrow –
      — Mama K

    October 27: SLEEEEEEEP

    This was a bit of a strange day for me. I was moving in slow motion for most of the morning and honestly do not remember much of what happened. Here it goes:

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • Big Bro was energetic about his backpack and getting all of his stuff ready for school. He is so cute acting all big and stuff and responsible and excited about his things for school. I love seeing him that way. I wonder how long it will last.
    • Twin Husky had oatmeal all over himself which then required me to give him a proper change of clothes (we usually just send them to daycare in their PJs)
    • Before I knew it, we were late. REALLY late. They all were great in the van and off we went. we were so late that Big Bro was late to his class – he scooted into circle time though without too much trouble.
    • I was working from home today so made it back home, brewed a pot of coffee, ate the kids’ leftover breakfast, and got organized for the day.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    I had some conference calls and that essentially freed up alot of my day. I was not feeling well so I slept most of the day away. I decided not to volunteer for Big Bro’s lunch since my being there makes him anxious. I had a follow up conference call to get feedback from one of our last big meetings and also to get ideas for the next one. I arranged my flight for next week.

    My job is in flux right now. I was asked today if it would be possible to still have a portion of my time devoted to project delivery. That, seriously, will be the end of me. I simply cannot deliver against project work with four children. I can manage the forum meetings (my new role) and also actively pursue sales of consulting work, but the actual delivery of the work is something I simply cannot do. I’m hoping we can figure out a way for me to be involved in an “advisory” capacity – and I’m hoping my company will be flexible with me. But this was very concerning to me when I had this discussion.

    No wonder I essentially slept the day away. The wind has been knocked out of my sails on so many fronts. The only thing I know for certain is that I have four children and that I love them to pieces. Nothing else is certain in my life. This makes me tired just thinking about it….

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • I threw a chicken in the oven tonight. Then I went to pick up the kids. I left early, and took my time to leisurely get each kid and soak in their environment. I love seeing them at the end of the day. The smiles, the “mommy!”, the running into my arms. I wish I could bottle this up. I know things will change as they get older. But for now I look forward to each wet kiss and hug around my leg/waist.



    • Twin Crazy opened up the refrigerator and took out all of the milk cups for the kids at the table. I couldn’t believe it. She can be sooooo helpful.
    • While dinner was cooking I took the kids on a ride on a blanked across our floor. It is magical for me to hear them all laugh in unison – especially when it’s because of something that I am doing with them.
    • All kids ate well; Twin Husky was a crazy man over the string beans. Big Bro, Red, and Twin Crazy went nuts over chicken legs. No, the chicken did not have 3 legs – Twin Crazy picked up Red’s leftover leg and finished it off.
    • We watched a movie tonight. I got the kids grapes. They sat next to me and on my lap while we watched the movie together.

    Believe it or not, even after so much sleep I am exhausted. I just don’t want to think about things. I just want to do things with my kids but after that I can’t wait to curl up and go to sleep. I am in a severe funk and feeling very much alone out here. This house does not feel good to come back to.

    Hopefully tomorrow will be more energetic! Maybe I’ll take some vitamins! Or better yet, I might just go into the office and get myself out of this sterile house.

    Til tomorrow

    -Mama k

    New iphpne

    Too tired to write and too. Ew to iPho e to do anything effectively…

    Gil tomorrow

    Mama K

    October 25: Too many emotions….

    Hmmmm. What did we do today? I’m right now in bed, feeling completely wiped out and trying to think through to this morning, which feels like months ago.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I know there was an early morning waking from Twin Husky. The East Coast time difference has been the hardest on him. He eventually went back to sleep after some reassurance, but then Red crawled into our bed 10 minutes later. She rested while playing with her fingers.
    • The morning was our usual… except that we were still struggling with lack of food. We managed to do Chocolate Tuesday tortillas and raisin bread, and pasta for lunch. The Twins ate an enormous amount of oatmeal. I think Twin Crazy had 2 1/2 packages just on her own.
    • I got the kids dressed in their Halloween t-shirts and tried to get a picture of all of them together, but Red was not cooperating.



    • The 3 drop offs with Hubby drop off went fine. I was working from home today.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    • Pot of coffee. No shower. Fistfulls of Cheerios shoved in my mouth.
    • Conference call for 1.5 hours to review analysis that we will present at the forum next week. I provided my thoughts for improvements and how to pull out the “drivers” of what we were seeing in the numbers.
    • I took a break to get to Big Bro’s school since I was volunteering for his lunch hour. He held it together a little bit, but completely lost it. He gets so upset and anxious when his worlds collide. And it breaks my heart. Especially since now the kids are old enough to notice and ask why he is crying. I don’t know what to do in these instances. Come to his rescue, which only exacerbates the problem — or, throw him to the world and force him to deal with the situation? I am at a loss now since I’ve also signed up for other volunteer spots through this week and I just can’t bear to see him in the anguish and it takes such a toll on me too…
    • I go to lunch afterwards and force down some Pad Thai. My head is killing me. My body is aching and my head is spinning. I feel like crawling in a fetal position under the table at the restaurant.
    • As soon as I get back home, I learn that one of our speakers has dropped out of the Agenda for next week’s meeting. OMFG. Now what am I going to do? How will I even manage to secure a speaker in one week’s time?
    • I then start a conference call with a prospective client who attended the forums we recently conducted — he reached out to me personally and our company is going to propose on a business strategy related to our area of expertise – this could potentially be a VERY large project, and we are very well positioned to win it. And it was MY relationship and MY lead!!! I will likely develop the proposal and serve as an advisor to the project but am hesitant to take on too much of the heavy-lifting if we win it.
    • I then grabbed Big Bro early from after-care and took him jacket shopping. I like doing these kinds of things one on one with him; especially after the emotional day he had at school.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • Mac-n-cheese and broccoli! Thank goodness Safeway arrived with our delivery! We now have food in the house! Yeah!!!

    I can’t write much more tonight; I’ve had a pretty emotional evening and overall day – filled with ups and downs, mostly downs I think. I’m mentally drained and can’t believe I’m at the keyboard now.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    October 12: Too busy, getting ready for vacation

    I’m sick and had little sleep last night – very, very tired and worn out. Running at work, packing/doing laundry, and getting ready for the vacation is tiring me out!

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I have alone time with Red this morning. She sits in my lap and we talk about me going to her school all day and her picking me up. She thinks this is funny; we keep going back and forth with this. She seems in a really good mood. I hold her, rock her, talk to her, hug & kiss her.
    • I scurry around after my shower trying to grab more of the kids clothes from their rooms to pack — bathing suits, dress shirts, socks, etc.
    • Downstairs the kids are eating; Twin Crazy and Twin Husky are both eating cereral with milk and yes they are spilling all over the place. I spend some time cleaning up milk and refilling their bowls.
    • I gather clothes for Red and Big Bro while they are eating.
    • Diaper changes with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky — he is moving around and wants to play with choo-choo trains so we need to do a “stand up” diaper change. He also says he “hurts” so I scurry looking around for diaper cream. I come back and Twin Crazy is busy cleaning Twin Husky with wipes. Her change is great; she reads a DVD cover and is still.
    • I help to change Red and Big Bro. We are running late. I still do not have any coffee or any breakfast – and am very groggy from the cold medicine I had last night.
    • OK time to go! We’re behind schedule! We gather their shoes, jackets, lunches, our bags. I change the last load of laundry. From this we have what we need to finish our packing tonight. Drop offs are going to be very hectic.
    • 1st drop off: Twins. They wave goodbye to us.
    • 2nd drop off: Big Bro. A huge problem. This switch in drop off messes him up; there are no teachers out there and just parents – but I don’t have time to wait for the teacher… there are some moms there that I know but he didn’t feel comfortable with them – he chased after me, crying. Finally another mom arrived with his REALLY close friend – we’ve been over to their house for playmates and dinner so he feels really comfortable with her – she saves me and grabs Big Bro’s hand. My heart hurts as I run back to the van.
    • 3rd drop off: Red. It goes fine. We find the kids in her class looking at books from the book fair. She has her own book with her that we bought yesterday and she is happy.

    Today is the last day of work before vacation. I need a vacation desperately. Today will be busy. I really need to focus on getting materials out from the meetings last week, and starting preparations for the meeting we will have after I return from vacation — Getting the Agenda nailed down and distributed. I also have some business development items that I need to follow up with and also admin items like time sheets and expenses. Plus some various meetings in my calendar today so hopefully I can focus around these meetings.

    I was running like an idiot all morning, with no coffee, no breakfast, 3 drop offs, and work — all after traveling last week and not having our mother’s helper around. I feel like I’ve regressed a bit. Once this last meeting is finished I need to scale back to a 3 or 4 day work week. This must happen. Please encourage me with this – it is scary for me to take a step back!

    Highlights of My Working Day:


    It was crazy busy today.

    • Two debrief meetings post-event from the meetings from last week; we discussed how things went and things to do differently, and also specific follow up things we can do as a result of the meeting
    • I had a business development call with a potential member of a new forum we are launching. It went well but we need to think through how to position/frame this particular forum
    • Sent off materials for the conference I will be missing next week while I’m on vacation.
    • Spoke with a guest speaker for an upcoming meeting to help her frame her presentation

    I am also walking away with a TON more work to do tonight – I have to send out meeting materials from last week, complete and submit my timesheet, organize sales meetings for a new forum we are trying to sell, and make introductions to specific forum members on behalf of another Director. I will need to do all of this tonight when I get home, and before finishing packing.

    I am on a train now headed to a meeting. So Hubby is home with the kids (and hopefully the mother’s helper). I will miss them tonight. I might be able to see Big Bro and Red before they go to sleep. But tonight is honestly going to be crazy with the work I have to finish and the packing I have left to do….

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • I drank a Guiness.  Did some work at the bar.
    • Got home and read some books to Big Bro and Red.
    • Did some more work.  Finsihed up work at 9:30 PM.
    • I will post this by 10 PM.
    • I will then need to pack — the rest of the kids stuff and also my own.

    My dinner consisted of a Guiness.  I might eat some Cheerios before I go to bed tonight.  I am exhausted.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.

    I plan to send infrequent posts during vacation, but I can’t make any promises!!!!


    Until later,

    – Mama K

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