March 20: Down time


This morning was another gift with my kids.  Co-parent is on a work-trip and I had them with me.   I normally work ½ day at home and then pick them up in the afternoon, but today since I have them in the AM, we needed to get up and out – and I am working now at a Starbucks while my kids are at school/daycare.

Highlights of the Morning:

  • I woke up after only one “snooze” on the alarm.  I didn’t bother to shower since I was going to be at Starbucks.  I’m not trying to impress anyone.
  • Twin Husky was up first and in an amazing mood.  For some reason the others were still sleeping soundly so it was just Twin Husky and I alone.  I let the others sleep.   I rarely have alone time with Twin Husky so I gladly took it with him this AM.  We ate breakfast together.  I made coffee and packed Big Bro’s lunch.   Twin Husky was in a goofy mood and trying to make me laugh.  He was pretending to dance and then also making goofy faces.   Lifting his leg up in the air for no reason.  It was working.  I was cracking up.   We talked about school and his friends.  He said his only friend is Twin Crazy (I will need to ask his daycare about this).   He talked about his bagels and the circle I made on his plate with the pieces of bagels.  He talked about how he likes cream cheese and he saw one of the next-door chickens that escaped and was at our back door.  He finished his breakfast fast so we got him dressed.  I wanted him to dress himself.   I spent time with him talking him through getting undressed.  He is great with his shirt.  He needed to be talked through the rest, especially his socks.  I loved the time with him.  I loved talking him through putting his clothes on.   I was patient with him.   It was just the two of us.  He did everything himself with me just talking him through it and saying “shimmy shimmy shimmy” with his legs going through his pants and his feet going into his socks.  He was grinning and happy and looked proud at his accomplishment.   I am happy that I had the alone time with him this morning to do this with him.
  • Twin Crazy was up and ate breakfast fast.   She changed fast.  Red was slower.  She changed into her new clothes but did not want to eat – she whispered in my ear that she wanted a breakfast bar in the car.  She saw that I did this with Big Bro yesterday so she wanted the same treatment this morning.  I whispered back “OK” and gave her a big hug.  Again, this is time that has been given to me and my hugs felt stronger to me and more meaningful.
  • Big Bro got up slowly again, but was very easy and we were all out the door without any problems.   Shoes were set up, jackets set up, and kids in the car when they were each ready.
  • During the drive we talked about the new goats at the neighbor’s across the street, how their family is having a divorce and how we don’t know what schedule they have for their family, the rain drops on the cars, the traffic, the accident on the side of the road, how kids get “owies” and that is just part of their job being kids.   I was joking about “PLAY PLAY PLAY BANG OWWWWIE!!!!” and the kids were cracking up.
  • Drop offs went fine.  After Big Bro’s drop off we went to see the Ferry pull away.  I like not having a strict time schedule over my shoulder.  I like relaxing with the kids and taking in these moments.  We sat in the van and watched the ferry head into the city until we couldn’t see it any longer.
  • Red was less clingy – but Twin Crazy was extremely clingy – did not want to let go of me and kept grabbing my clothes.  Poor thing.  I will see them all soon.

photo   

I’m at Starbucks right now and feeling really good.  I am close to the kids.  They are all nearby.  I am at work at a Starbucks in a comfy chair with internet access and power outlets.  I have work to do today that is very relevant for remote work…. Emails, etc.   It will be a good day and I will see the kids at 1:50 PM today.

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I made some progress on the Agendas for the two meetings coming up and confirmed details with certain speakers.  I reached out to others as prospective members and invited them as guests.
  • I did some background research on LinkedIn for business development and other potential targets.

I was feeling like shit.   I’ve been coming down with a cold from the kids.  Bad, bad cough.  One that keeps you up at night.  And a headache.  I wasn’t sure if I was hungry or needed to throw up.  I felt week.  I grabbed some lunch and headed out for the kids.

But I was early.  One hour too early to be exact.  So Red, Twin Crazy, Twin Husky and me hung out in the mini-van in front of Big Bro’s school until he came out.   Red was busy doing math equations.  She frightens me a bit.  She loves to learn.  You see it in her face as she figures out a math problem.  She is thirsty for more equations, more equations.  “Mommy, these are easy for me.”   WTF?!??!?!?

Twin Crazy was getting bossy and yelling at me and I told her I don’t like that.  That made her feel worse.   My head was pounding.

Big Bro ran to the car when he saw us sitting there.

The ride home was really, really hard for me.  I couldn’t wait to get home with everyone.

photo1

 

Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

  • I informed the kids that I was feeling really lousy and that I needed their cooperation for the rest of the day.  I suggested it would be a lounge on the couch movie kind of afternoon.  It was raining and the kids eagerly agreed.
  • I think I dosed with all of my kiddos around me.   Twin Husky even dozed on me a bit.  I loved it.
  • Big Bro and Red were playing “Math Bingo”.  Then Twin Crazy started playing it by them telling her what numbers to press.  It was cute seeing them play this game together.
  • I felt better and went out to water my garden and check on the growth.  It is amazing what is going on in there.  I’m not sure when to “harvest” but I will figure it out.
  • Dinner was home-made mac-n-cheese, spinach, broccoli.  I started doing an “eating broccoli” dance as each kid ate their broccoli.   The boys totally got into it.  I don’t think I’ve seen Big Bro dance that much but he was going crazy dancing tonight.   The kids were cracking up and we were holding hands in a circle jumping up and down to “eating broccoli”.
  • We had fruit for dessert; watched a movie.  
  • Kids were tired and I got Twin Husky down in about 30 seconds.  Twin Crazy was a bit longer.  She gets scared these days.  I allowed her to sit at the edge of the living room during my “alone time” with Red and Big Bro.  I’ve been doing “alone time” with them since they feel a bit jealous about the home time I get with the younger ones on Thursdays and Fridays.  So we hang out a bit, read, and talk.
  • The topic of conversation tonight was evolution.  I think it was because we watched the movie “Ice Age” earlier.   So I showed the kids the theory of evolution in pictures; that got us talking about tailbones.  Then Red found some funny pictures and the kids were laughing so hard they were almost gagging.

photo2

photo3

I told Red how I love that she loves to learn.  And how you can still stay like that even when you are not a kid anymore.  You are never too old to learn new things.  I told her that I see her face light up when she is learning and that she is special because of this.

I told Big Bro how much fun I had with them today.  How I loved hanging out with them and spending time with them.   And I thanked him for cooperating today especially when I felt sick.

*****

I’m in bed now.  Showered.  Tired.  Happy.

–        Mama K

November 13: 4 years old is too young to die


I’ve had a very unusual day.   It’s a Tuesday, so I do not have the kids but I do have work.  But today I worked from home in the morning.  And then attended a funeral for a four year old child.  And then did some shopping for a Girls night that I am hosting tonight.  And then did some more work from home, with a splitting headache, bulging eyes, and cracked nose from crying so much today.

Working mothers.  What do we do with our kids when we work?   Some of us have family members, some of us employ nannies, some of us drop our children off at daycare.  Ours has always been a “daycare family”.   And through the years you get to know the other children, know the parents, and know the teachers.   In fact, daycare does become a pseudo-family for your children when you are away at work.

*****

Let’s turn the clock back a bit.  On Halloween day, me and Big Bro attended the Halloween day parade for Red, Twin Crazy, and Twin Husky at their daycare center.   All was normal.  The kids were out and joyful in their costumes.   The very next day, a child in Red’s old classroom woke up from a nap not feeling well.   Maybe a little warm.  Not a high fever, but just “off”.  The mother was notified and she promptly picked up her four year old child.  The next day, the child was not at school.    Over the weekend, unbeknownst to us, this child was admitted to a children’s hospital.  This entire past week, unbeknownst to us, this child suffered in the hospital with the flu, a strange unidentified infection, pneumonia, and appendicitis.  An operation removed the appendix.  The family hoped  the blood pressure and kidney function would improve.    This child passed away on Friday…. days after turning four years old.

Photo source:  ecolibris.blogspot.com

*****

Our daycare center is our pseudo-family.   I went to the service to support this family and the teachers who were also Red’s teachers this past year.   This is something I never want to have to do again.   Four years old is too young to die.   It is too hard to see parents say goodbye to their child.  It is hard to see the teachers in such a different setting and under such a different set of circumstances – and see them raw, as people, as people that you want to reach out to and nurture as they have nurtured your own.

The sermon was well done and I found myself strangely at peace listening to the words.    This life is given to us.  Each of us will have our day.   In the father’s words, he had four glorious years with this child.   And what the family went through over the past week was so difficult that today actually felt like a good day for the family.   I strangely felt a bit better.   Calm.   But numb.

But when the casket wheeled by, I couldn’t help but lose myself to despair again. I cannot imagine losing a child. I cannot imagine losing a child. I CANNOT IMAGING LOSING A CHILD.    I cannot understand.  I CANNOT UNDERSTAND.   Looking at pictures of the smiling child was heartbreaking.   Seeing a casket entirely too small was heartbreaking.   Looking at the parents of this child and the strength and grace that they portrayed was heartbreaking.   How can a child be laughing in a Halloween costume one day, then a bit ill the next (same as all of our kids this time of year…) and then wind up in a hospital for one week fighting to stay alive and losing this fight?   How can a child be there one day and gone the next?   How do we tell our children?   How can this happen to our daycare family?   What can I possibly do for this family?????????

I thought of Big Bro and how this child will never reach Big Bro’s age and ride a bike and have a debate with family members.  I thought of Red.  The same age.   The same teachers.   The same size.    Do I dare say that she would fit in that casket?!?!?!?!?!?!   I thought of Twin Husky and the little brother that this child left behind.  I thought of Twin Crazy and how this child was described to be, well, “crazy energetic”… possibly just like my own crazy energetic child.

I am strangely glad that I am not with my own kids tonight.   I feel too raw and I want some separation between this feeling and them.  I don’t want them to be too close to “it”.  I need some distance from them, some time.   I will see them tomorrow and that is OK with me.  I will walk into that daycare center tomorrow and likely cry again with the staff and pick up my kids and hug them hard.

But now, in just 2 more hours, I will host a “girls night” with my new neighbors.   A first for what hopefully will become a tradition in this neighborhood.   I am thankful for having this support system but definitely do not want to bring the party “down” with this news but it is impossible for me to hide it from my face.   I will put some music on, light some candles, and warm up this little place to be inviting.   And hopefully not drive anyone away should I suddenly burst into tears.

Til tomorrow

– Mama K

%d bloggers like this: