October 19: A good friday


Today was unusual. Big Bro did not have school. So we all had a “home” day at my home and LOVED it.

Highlights:

  • Woke up to Twin Husky (as usual) and cuddled in bed. Red came in with Cocoa (guinea pig).
  • Breakfast included the fireplace, oatmeal, home-made pancakes, and bread and butter (their new favorite).
  • Bikes outside; kids were in a great mood. Halloween costumes were on again. I showered while they had fun.
  • We went to Target to return some lightbulbs and get the right size. They loved the escalator ride. I loved that they know about the “list” and that they didn’t even waver towards any toys or ANYTHING else since it was not on our “list”. We were in and out in 5 minutes. On the escalator down, Twin Crazy had a spill and hurt her knee which fouled things up. Red was left up top, scared, but I asked her to hold tight and I’ll come back for her. Big Bro stayed with Twin Husky at the bottom and I carried Twin Crazy up the escalator again and we rescued Red. The girls were now laughing.
  • We went to the library afterwards. The kids picked out books almost immediately and 2 DVDs too; Big Bro checked out the books by himself with the bar-code reader. Red decided she wanted to be “old school” and go to the librarian to check out her books.
  • We went to the playground afterwards and the kids had fun climbing on trains, swinging, going down slides, and scaling structures.
  • We had a great lunch;
  • Twins were great taking their naps. Big Bro watched a Tinkerbell DVD while Red and I colored.
  • We had a delivery from Amazon – a guinea-pig play pen. I think she likes it. The kids do at least.
  • There was another delivery – the Buzz Lightyear t-shirt for Twin Husky to go with his blow-up wings. He was psyched.
  • Big Bro went over to a neighbor’s house to play Legos.
  • The rest of us were at home riding bikes, sweeping leaves, and decorating the house for Halloween.
  • Before you knew it, it was time for me to take them to co-parent’s. It turned dark and foggy on the way. As did my mood. So typical.

I spent other times during the day on email and on the phone with my office. A big meeting is next week that I will be leading; the heavy lifting all has been done. Now it’s just getting there, being smart, connecting with my clients, trying to “sell” membership to two different guest organizations, and facilitating 1 1/2 days of meetings and speakers. I am not concerned at all for this – I’m actually looking forward to it.

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After dropping off the kids I needed to sit in the ferry parking lot with the car (and heat) on and cry. There are so many things about all of this that are so unfair. After I let it out I got back on the road. I felt much better as soon as I got on the highway and got closer to my house. I pulled up to the house and saw the decorations hanging from our trees and I couldn’t help but smile. I love it here. I felt so much better as soon as I pulled up the driveway. I came inside with a fresh perspective. I made a great dinner of sauteed brussell sprouts, baby kale, leftover rice, and some Guinness poured in. It was amazing. And drank the rest of the Guinness. Yes, feeling much better now. So much better in my own space, with my own things, and with memories of each of my kids with so much joy here.

I can not wait until this divorce is finalized. Being entwined with him is damaging. I know that there will be better days for me ahead. This is a bump in the road but hopefully this bump will not last for long.

Have a great weekend everyone –

– Mama K

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January 6: All five of us looking out for each other


Friday – the weekend is here and I am ready for it, I think. I had a very trying morning and lonely lunch — did not have much of a great day but I did manage to squeeze a good chunk of time in with all of the kiddos, which immediately made me feel better…. stronger.

  • I made well-visit appointments for Twin Crazy and Twin Husky, and decided to take Big Bro as well so that all four kids would be in synch with their flu vaccinations (Red got one on Wed when I went with her for her pigeon-toe issue). While I had them, I decided to grab Red as well and take her along – that way we could go out to dinner together. The kids were great at the doctors. The bigger ones helped to care for the little ones and the little ones did great even though there were shots involved.

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  • I took them out to dinner afterwards. It looked like a pizza place on the outside, but when I got in, it was a fancy pizza / pasta / wine kindof place with cloth napkins. There were older couples and dates everywhere. Needless to say, we were the only table with four little ones (5, 3, and two 2 yr old twins) and one mama. The kids did great. Again, older ones helping little ones, me overseeing everything and making sure everyone was happy and entertained, and listening to everyone so that no-one felt ignored. It was a REALLY good dinner and the kids ate very well. As I packed everyone up, I had some people come up to me commending me on how I handle the kids and how calm and in control I was – they asked if I needed any help to the car and I said – No! This is my job! We’re off to get ice-cream now! 🙂

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  • Ice-cream was a hit, of course. There’s not much more to say about that.

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  • When we got home I showed Red her new princess sheets that were in the washer; she was so excited. I put them in the dryer and they were ready in no-time. She was thrilled and I helped her get her bed ready. Now both kids are excited about their new sheets (as am I) which does make a difference settling in at night.

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  • I bought a whole slew of books on “feelings” — Little Miss and Mr. Men series by Roger Hargreaves — and they arrived today. We read two of them tonight – “Mr. Happy” and “Little Miss Helpful”. They really are entertaining and funny – I was actually laughing out loud a couple of times. So far I recommend them — they are cute at talking about the feelings that we all have as people – something everyone can relate to –

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Glad for today to be over; glad for the weekend; will be spending time with Big Bro and Red on Saturday and then Twin Crazy and Twin Husky on Sunday. And trying to keep my distance.

The thing that makes what I’m going through so difficult right now is that I feel like I have no-one to talk to. Close friends I’ve had out here have moved away once their own kiddos arrived (high cost of living) and the majority of the remaining friends are friendships with hubby. So they are keeping their distance. I feel like I’m out here alone – all family back east, close friends back east, few friends here. Time zones again work against me which makes this so difficult to stay connected except through cyberspace, which just isn’t enough for me right now.

I’m hurting for the life we could have made for our children and I’m hurting for the pain that they will go through now and in the future. That’s all I want to say right now but please if you know me PLEASE reach out; I need you now.

Till next week –
– Mama K

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