November 2: Away and alone

Today I packed up and left on a flight for a work trip. I don’t know if I’m happy or sad. I feel like I’m just going through the motions.

My flight wasn’t scheduled until after 1:30 so I took the opportunity to work from home this am. It also allowed me to ride with Big Bro this am and stroll with the Twins. I said goodbye to Red and asked her if it was ok to pick her up early on Friday. She said yes with a smile. I will also have my dad with me since he’s flying in for a weekend visit. I’m looking forward to that.

The ride with Big Bro was quiet. We went alone without the “pack” of riders from Monday. It was peaceful. He took his time without the need or pressure to keep up with the bigger kids. I was with him. The Twins were with him. We quietly made our way to the school. He asked for me to get him a lock for his bike, which I promptly ordered from amazon when I got home. The Twins enjoyed their stroll. Twin Husky was busy at the edge of his seat looking around at everything and saying words. Twin Crazy was quiet – the breeze flowing through her hair. She would sneak a look up towards me from time to time and grin like you wouldn’t believe. I would hold her face and look into her eyes and call her my “sweetie” each and every time.

Once everyone was dropped off I just felt very alone. I walked home with the empty stroller and REALLY wanted the tears to come but for some reason they just couldn’t. Again the feeling of numbness. Crispness in the air. Brown leaves on the ground. Starting to feel connected to a community yet still feeling lost, unwound, broken. Almost glad to be leaving this for a couple of days.

I got home and did some work. I headed to the airport. I had a call with two Directors about a reduced workweek. They support this idea for me. They need to discuss it with some others though first before it becomes official. I can wait for that. I have the patience of an elephant although it has been tested and pushed to the limit this past year and even years prior. I need this job. But I need more of me back. For myself and for my kids. I want to be a mom first above everything else. I’ve sacrificed too much and for too long. Now it’s my turn.

I’m on the plane now and am feeling ok. A bit sad. Not as energized as I would like to be. Missing the kids already and aching for more clarity in my life. Wondering where the old me went and if I’ll be able to get her back. Wanting to laugh but feeling too tired.

It will be good to be out tonight with colleagues and clients. I know I’ll be able to rustle up the energy I need for that. I’m thankful for having this outlet and small break to reflect on things and hopefully enjoy myself and squeeze in some laughs. Even if they are forced.

Til tomorrow,
– Mama K

p.s. I’m now at the hotel and have had an amazing change of heart! Look at this place!!!! I’m going to see if there is room for me for a massage before dinner! At a minimum, I’m going to use the outside hot-tub and pool! And maybe get a frosty drink! Life does not suck now. 🙂


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