Retreating again

It’s been all week since I’ve posted anything.   My mind is occupied with divorce proceedings.  I need to get this done quickly and fiercely.   I am so strained financially.   I was the one that left the house, I still have possessions inside of that old house, I caved and bought a different car, and my ex essentially is fighting me saying that certain investments of ours were his separate property before marriage – so I feel like I have no assets or safety net from which to protect me or my kids in the future.

I pay for their haircuts.  I pay for their new clothes for school.  My ex does not even respond to my requests for 50% reimbursement.   This is bad foreshadowing for what will come over the next 15+ years financially with him.

I feel very, very low right now.

I am retreating again.

Hopefully this will be over quickly so I can breathe fresh air again.

November 3: Managing just fine being away, sometimes, well… not really.

Today I am away from home for work.   I arrived yesterday, and will go back home tomorrow.   First of all, I need to describe to you the hotel I’m at – think water fountains everywhere, HUGE comfy bed, spa, pools, ocean view from my private balcony.    I am not used to living like this.   I am not used to the quiet.   I immediately signed up for spa services yesterday when I arrived, knowing that I would not have an opportunity to take advantage of them the rest of the trip.    The picture below briefly documents the type of experience – whirlpools, spa, massage.  Bliss.


Today we had an all day meeting with several speakers and the audience were various clients.   I was not responsible for leading or facilitating this meeting, unlike the others where I had full responsibility.   So this was really a look and learn experience for me, as well as client management/ relationship building/ “making people feel comfortable” role.    I learned a lot, as usual.  I connected with old faces and new faces.   My force of personality makes me comfortable in these situations.   I like meeting new people.  I like connecting with them on some level.   And I particularly like doing this when not under pressure.

During a break I reviewed and sent out a draft proposal for consulting services, for a lead that I cultivated.   Hopefully he will agree on the scope and approach so that we may price it accordingly – I hope we win this one.   I also arranged/accepted various meetings for the upcoming week.

After the day long meeting I decided to go shopping.   I think I grabbed the last of the “must have” pieces for my new wardrobe.   Is the “Year of [Mama K]” shopping spree over?   I’m not sure yet….

I had a  fabulous dinner and then finished the evening next to a fire-pit with s’mores, with our clients, talking about traveling, families, and tragedies like 9/11.

This was not the best way to end my evening.   I’m already on shaking ground in terms of outlook and this just reinforced my feelings of unhappiness and anxiety.  I am so scared.  Scared for me, my family and my children.   Scared that I cannot provide the kind of life and opportunities that I should for them.   Scared to pull back from work, frightened that as a family we are not using good judgement for the choices that we should make for the sake of these children.  Scared that we are not living by the mantra of “family first”.   I need to feel like we are doing everything we should for these kids.  And now I just want to curl up and go to sleep, and stop thinking about these things, because so many of these choices are not within my control.

On that note I will finish the day and hope that tomorrow is better; it has to be — I will be re-united with my kids.   🙂

Til tomorrow

-Mama K

October 28: Rockin’ out with my babes

Today is my rebound day! I was going to work from home because of my committment to volunteer for Big Bro’s lunch, but since that is not a good idea anymore (he gets too anxious), I decided to pull myself AWAY from the sterile house and get my butt back into the office where it belongs.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • All kids woke up happy. That is usually not the case. For some reason, they ALL walked into our room together this morning. That means that SOMEHOW Big Bro pulled each of the Twins out of their crib. Hmmmm. Not sure if this is such a good idea. I envision trips to the ER with broken bones at some point. Twin Husky has been mentioning that he wants a bed and always spends time in Big Bro’s and Red’s when given an opportunity…. maybe it’s time for toddler beds? Or maybe just enforce a rule that Big Bro and Red cannot go into their room in the morning? It is just a matter of time until Twin Husky scales his way out of the crib. He is so wiry. So feisty in terms of his physical body. And so STRONG!!!! I think toddler beds are the best bet.
  • Twin Crazy was eating so much oatmeal that Hubby took off her PJ’s since it was cascading down her body. When I saw her, she was only in a diaper but still covered in oatmeal. Poor thing. Can you imagine that feeling? I cleaned her off but for some reason she was more concerned about cleaning her hands than anything else. She is really fixated on clean hands lately. I remember the same thing with Red. Maybe its a girl thing.
  • Twin Husky just kept saying “Mommy” as he was eating his cereal. I quietly walked over to him and kissed his cheek as he was eating his cereal and he let out this deep, quiet, laugh.
  • Red and Big Bro were busy eating; I gathered their clothes. We really had to rush this morning.
  • Hubby dropped of Red and I dropped of Twins and Big Bro. Big Bro’s teacher told me how he recited a Halloween poem ALL BY HIMSELF IN THE FRONT OF THE ROOM yesterday. I am so proud of him. This is one step closer to self-confidence that will hopefully eliminate his anxiety in bigger crowds. I think. I hope. Anyway, I am so proud of him and I’ve let him know that. Applauding his effort in knowing the words so well and being so brave to recite it to the class.

Big Bro and Red will be leaving with Hubby on a Halloween trip to Yosemite this weekend. I will miss the older kids. But I will have the Twins to myself this weekend.

Today at work I have to do some thinking of my role, I will also work on a business development proposal, and get my expenses in.

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I was busy at work so I am soooooo glad that I went in today. I helped some colleagues with ideas on powerpoint visuals (a strength of mine, I believe), I had a follow up call with a client to get feedback from our last meeting and ideas for the next, and also worked on a proposal for strategy work resulting from our last big meeting.
  • I had a lot of interaction with people, laughed a bit, felt productive, and energized.

So pointers to depressed mamas who are working at home: GET OUTSIDE AND INTERACT WITH PEOPLE!!!!!!! I’m glad I made the choice to get to the office.

I am on the ferry now and headed back to see the Twins. Big Bro and Red are off with Hubby for the weekend. What to do with Twins all weekend by myself??? I like that being my only question for myself this weekend!

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • It was a great evening.   I made a quick dinner for the Twins and they ate at their small kitchen table together.   We talked about what they were eating.
  • After dinner I danced around with them a bit.  They loved it.  Twin Crazy completely rocked out.   Twin Husky also was having a good time.
My little two rocking out to U2

My little two rocking out to U2

  • We took a dancing break and had some applesauce.   I caught both of them still knocking their heads around and rocking out to the music.   Sooooooooooo cute.    I guess they like U2.
  • Time just passed and then we did milk and books.   They were ready for bed and laughed and held hands and smiled at each other as I was holding Twin Husky above Twin Crazy’s crib.   It’s a “twin thing”.

I’m now alone on a Friday night solo and loving it.   I’m thinking about what to do.  I suddenly have energy.   I might work on this a bit or maybe read a magazine or maybe watch a movie…. or maybe sew some pants that I recently bought.     I never thought these kinds of things would EVER appeal to me on a Friday night but sadly they do.   But I’m in a great mood – so take it for what it is!


Have a great weekend everyone –

Til Monday,

– Mama K

October 27: SLEEEEEEEP

This was a bit of a strange day for me. I was moving in slow motion for most of the morning and honestly do not remember much of what happened. Here it goes:

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Big Bro was energetic about his backpack and getting all of his stuff ready for school. He is so cute acting all big and stuff and responsible and excited about his things for school. I love seeing him that way. I wonder how long it will last.
  • Twin Husky had oatmeal all over himself which then required me to give him a proper change of clothes (we usually just send them to daycare in their PJs)
  • Before I knew it, we were late. REALLY late. They all were great in the van and off we went. we were so late that Big Bro was late to his class – he scooted into circle time though without too much trouble.
  • I was working from home today so made it back home, brewed a pot of coffee, ate the kids’ leftover breakfast, and got organized for the day.

Highlights of My Working Day:

I had some conference calls and that essentially freed up alot of my day. I was not feeling well so I slept most of the day away. I decided not to volunteer for Big Bro’s lunch since my being there makes him anxious. I had a follow up conference call to get feedback from one of our last big meetings and also to get ideas for the next one. I arranged my flight for next week.

My job is in flux right now. I was asked today if it would be possible to still have a portion of my time devoted to project delivery. That, seriously, will be the end of me. I simply cannot deliver against project work with four children. I can manage the forum meetings (my new role) and also actively pursue sales of consulting work, but the actual delivery of the work is something I simply cannot do. I’m hoping we can figure out a way for me to be involved in an “advisory” capacity – and I’m hoping my company will be flexible with me. But this was very concerning to me when I had this discussion.

No wonder I essentially slept the day away. The wind has been knocked out of my sails on so many fronts. The only thing I know for certain is that I have four children and that I love them to pieces. Nothing else is certain in my life. This makes me tired just thinking about it….

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I threw a chicken in the oven tonight. Then I went to pick up the kids. I left early, and took my time to leisurely get each kid and soak in their environment. I love seeing them at the end of the day. The smiles, the “mommy!”, the running into my arms. I wish I could bottle this up. I know things will change as they get older. But for now I look forward to each wet kiss and hug around my leg/waist.



  • Twin Crazy opened up the refrigerator and took out all of the milk cups for the kids at the table. I couldn’t believe it. She can be sooooo helpful.
  • While dinner was cooking I took the kids on a ride on a blanked across our floor. It is magical for me to hear them all laugh in unison – especially when it’s because of something that I am doing with them.
  • All kids ate well; Twin Husky was a crazy man over the string beans. Big Bro, Red, and Twin Crazy went nuts over chicken legs. No, the chicken did not have 3 legs – Twin Crazy picked up Red’s leftover leg and finished it off.
  • We watched a movie tonight. I got the kids grapes. They sat next to me and on my lap while we watched the movie together.

Believe it or not, even after so much sleep I am exhausted. I just don’t want to think about things. I just want to do things with my kids but after that I can’t wait to curl up and go to sleep. I am in a severe funk and feeling very much alone out here. This house does not feel good to come back to.

Hopefully tomorrow will be more energetic! Maybe I’ll take some vitamins! Or better yet, I might just go into the office and get myself out of this sterile house.

Til tomorrow

-Mama k

September 27: Solo with the children and myself

Today is Chocolate Tuesday! Whew. This will make the morning easier!

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I wake up to Red asking me if it is not wake up time since it is not 8 AM. I explain that yes, it is wake up time, 8 AM is only for the “home days” or weekends. So then she says, “OK so GET UP mommy!!!” She asks for a pony-tail and looks soooooooooooooooo sweet.
  • Twin Husky is clingy today. Needing Hubby. I also think he may be going through a growth spurt because it seems like he is hungry non-stop. Cereal. Oatmeal. Bread. MORE, MORE, MORE….
  • Twin Crazy is sweet. She squeals when I pick her up. We talk about what she wants for breakfast and I talk about cereal, bread, oatmeal…. this piqued her interest. Oatmeal it is. She loves it.
  • Big Bro is busy eating is bagel and chocolate.
  • I bring clothes down but Red already brought some down too. She wants to wear a yellow shirt. So now she has a choice between two sets of clothes. She is laughing at this.
  • Big Bro and Red finish their breakfasts – TIME TO GET DRESSED! Big Bro likes for me to help him even though he can do it all himself. I think it’s his way and manipulating more “mommy time”. I always give in since we have fun together.
  • Twins get diaper changes and are ready to go.
  • Hubby and I do split drop offs again today since it is past 8 AM. He drops of Red, I take the Twins and Big Bro.
  • Hubby drives in to work today and asks if I will join him. I opt for the Ferry instead.

I am feeling so down today. For personal reasons I feel frustrated, patronized, and am just flat out mad.

I will be busy at work today. I think if today goes well, I’ll feel much better about the upcoming conferences. Once the agendas are finalized and the guest speakers are all confirmed, I will feel less anxiety. And then I’ll be able to focus on the content part of the work, which is more interesting for me.

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I thankfully secured one of two open speaker slots for the two conferences (whew).
  • I found out this morning that one speaker I thought was unconfirmed is actually about 90% confirmed; the problem is that we already have a replacement so if she actually winds up coming, the Agenda will be PACKED.
  • I started to read/review presentations and worked with our admin for final logistics.

I’m on the ferry now alone, Hubby is going out for dinner/drinks after work. I’m looking forward to the kids, but I’m also so emotionally drained. I’d like to go to sleep tonight right after the kids do and after I get these posts out.

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I pick up Big Bro first and then we get Red. Then the Twins and we are all together.
  • I bring in an “activity” to keep the kids entertained while I make dinner.  Hubby is out with friends so I am solo.   The activity for this evening is “stamping”.    Big Bro and Red quickly get organized and start stamping away.  The Twins don’t know what the hell is going on and they have ink all over the place and they don’t know what to do with the stamps.   So they of course get frustrated.  And then Twin Crazy steps in a big pile of old oatmeal that was left on the floor from this morning’s breakfast.  I quickly bring out the markers for them.  Note to readership:  what other quick “activities” do you do with your kids to keep them occupied when you are preparing dinner?
  • Dinner prep is easy and fast; but the Twins are having issues.   Twin Husky wants to be held up high so he could look at things and point and ask questions about what these things are.   Twin Crazy is very particular about the cup she is drinking from.   I’m on the 3rd cup with her when I quit.
  • Kids settle down when they are at the table.  There is laughing and eating.   Twin Husky needs to see the pepper-mill so I give it to him.   I think he wants it because he sees Hubby with it all the time.
Twin Husky needs that pepper-mill

Twin Husky needs that pepper-mill

  • After dinner we start to clean up the kids.   Twin Husky has mysteriously found the pretend make up and put it all over his face — I don’t know HOW he did it so quickly from table to kitchen, but he did it.   Trying to get the stamp ink and marker ink off the Twins was a challenge and we didn’t do a good job at it.
  • Then they have a good time playing – Big Bro sets out the “car mat” for Twin Husky.  I pull out cars for him.
  • There is still more crankiness and tears so I decide to start PJs.   Big Bro and Red are so cute since they are trying hard to clean up Twin Crazy from the marker on her face and hands.   Big Bro just started doing this on his own, and Twin Crazy looked up at him and let him.   Then Red joined in.   She had two older siblings working on her at the same time.   How sweet.  Twins are in bed at 7 PM which is much earlier than usual.
  • Big Bro and Red just walk right into their rooms so we go through with bedtime routine with them too — earlier than normal, but honestly poor Big Bro is so exhausted all the time that I think he needs an early rest.
So now I’m alone and it is VERY early — trying to decide what to do with myself.  I think I’ll just go to sleep and call it a day.
Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Random Thought: How well do you meet your Hierarchy of Needs? **POLL**

On Sunday I wrote a piece about the “Hierarchy of Needs”, that illustrates a hierarchy of needs that are essential for the emotional and psychological health and survival of humans.

In my post, I tried to draw implications to Working Mothers – and through this thinking and comments from others, it seems like there could be correlations between the fulfillment of these needs by “layer” and the life stage of your children.   For example, when they are first born, some Physiological needs may have been unmet (e.g., sleep), but as the kids get older and start to take care of themselves, your time frees up and allows you to meet more needs along the pyramid.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

I feel like my needs are not being met in two layers: Safety and Love/Belonging. I’m curious to poll the group:

I’m curious.   How are your needs being met along the following dimensions?  Note:   all responses are anonymous — I cannot even see who is participating in the poll let alone the answers that are given to that person.

Do you believe that any unmet needs impact the levels of your health and/or happiness?  Do you think you can isolate which parts are partially or not met? Are there things that you can control to help meet those needs?

I may continue to refer to this from time to time…. but for now, have a wonderful Tuesday and again, thanks for listening…

– Mama K

August 16: Powder fight!

First of all THANK YOU for everyone who reached out to me today; this means a lot.  My story is much more complicated than you know but nonetheless I really appreciate all the good vibes people are sending.  Thank you.   These are my notes from my morning commute and rest of the day….


I feel completely out of it this morning.   Woke up in the middle of the night crying – so as well as feeling down, I’m very sleepy.   My eyes are swollen this morning so with no make up I must look like a sight.   Anyway,

Highlights of the Morning:

  • I missed most of the morning with the kids.   Red came in to greet me all dressed and EXTREMELY proud of herself.  “I got dressed all by myself!!”.    She asked me to help her roll up her sleeves — the sleeves honestly did not need to be rolled up but I did it anyway and made a real big fuss about how great she did and how proud of her I was.  I think the rolling of the sleeves was her way of holding on to me… maybe knowing I was still there for her.   How sweet.
  • Big Bro was already downstairs — it is Chocolate Tuesday after all.
  • Twin Husky was busy saying “Hiiiiiiiiiiyyyyy” when I saw him.
  • Twin Crazy was acting anxious — I was not sure if she wanted some bread with Nutella too so I offered it but she looked at it like it was dirt and walked away.   Later she came up to me with bread crusts and I’m not sure if she wanted me to try again with Nutella or if she was just giving me garbage.   I did not have the energy to figure it out.
  • I made some coffee this AM
  • Got the kids their vitamins.
  • Hubby already loaded everyone in the car; I grabbed the bag and found the random shoes.
  • first drop off went very, very well.   I again made a big deal about Red picking out her clothes and putting them on all by herself.   She seemed happy and smug.   Daycare told us that ALL day yesterday Twin Crazy was singing to herself and moving her hands.    I’m wondering if she was singing Twinkle Twinkle or maybe Itsy Bitsy Spider???!??!?    How cute.   Twin Husky smiles when I bring him out of the car seat and says “Byyyyyyyyyyyye” to Big Bro.    He snuggles in for one last hug before I hand him over to Daycare.   They all seem happy there.
  • Drop off with Big Bro went well.   The teacher noticed that he did not bring in a game today – I wonder if the kids were too rough with his Uno cards yesterday.   He gets particular like that over his things.

Ferry ride is quiet; the water is still.  It is gray and foggy.   I just want to break down and cry some more but am holding it in.    Today at work I’ll likely work on a proposal and continue to do sales outreach for the meeting in October.   After departing the ferry me and hubby walk together and I finally let it loose; I am so unhappy – and he knows it.    We go our separate ways and I fall to pieces.   I grab some breakfast, coffee, and OJ and the stranger behind the counter pleads with me that she knows there is something terribly wrong but sometimes just putting on a smile gets you through the day…. little does she know that I’ve run out of smiles a long time ago and can’t find my smile unless I’m with my children.

Highlights of my Working Day:

  • I spent most of the day working on the finishing touches of a proposal.   We shipped it off at the end of the day and it is very likely that we will start the work on Monday.   We do not think the client is going to any other consulting firm – I’ve been the day-to-day contact with him so this is my first true “lead” sale.   (he got to us through a random phone call from the website, but I answered the call…. lucky me!)
  • I also assisted with a big proposal that is due to the potential client by end of week.   Coordinated the “references” so we can begin to reach out to our previous clients to see if they would feel comfortable serving as references for our work.
  • I did some sales outreach for the meeting in October.   Sent materials to a client I sold into the membership – so again, I am the point person for a new client relationship here.


I had a pretty bad day.   I was crying a lot at work and it was very visible that I was distressed; “No, there’s nothing you can do, but thank you” was always my response.   I’m hoping things can change – my family is depending on it.


Dinner and Bedtime:

I had an EXCELLENT time with the kids tonight.   I missed them from last night and this morning so really they were such a joy to be around tonight.

  • We pick up Red and Twins and it was so cute, they were going for a walk along the cul-de-sac.   They are so sweet.  No more babies!   They are so big now!
  • At home, Twin Crazy and Twin Husky are extremely interested in Red going pee-pee on the little potty.    They both wave goodbye to it as I flush it down the toilet.   I clean out the potty and Twin Crazy sits on it (clothed) as does Twin Husky.   Then Twin Crazy flushes the toilet again.  So cute.
  • I don’t know all the details, but I do know that Twin Husky took a bite out of Red’s thigh somewhere near the bookshelf.  So maybe they were fighting over a book.   This is REALLY a first for us.  I promptly reprimanded him and put him in his first “time out” for about 1 1/2 minutes – he was screaming, then sulking, but he knew that what he did was wrong.    Poor Red has teeth mark bruises on her leg now.  She was brave putting ice on her leg.
  • Twin Crazy’s foot got caught in a tissue box
  • Twin Crazy opened the refrigerator and took out a juice… then all the rest of the kids requested juice, even Twin Husky “juice”.   We usually only give milk or water before bedtime so this was a real treat for them to have juice at dinner.   I guess this is a rule we abide to for now on?   All for one and one for all?    Hmmmm.   I don’t know about this.    I think I’m going to have to back down on this one.
  • After dinner, Twin Husky was still crawling around on the floor picking up left-overs.  We don’t even need a dog in this house because of him.  Red thought that this was EXTREMELY funny.
  • Big Bro said he could count to 100, to 1,000, to 10,000, 100,000.   I mentioned 900,000 and then he mentioned 1 million.  I asked him if he had ever seen anyone write out 900,000 and he said no, so I grabbed my notebook to show him.   He’s really interested in numbers and science and reading – I am so psyched about it.  He goes to Kindergarten in less than two weeks and I know that it will be a lot for ME.   I think I need to take him shopping for a new lunchbox or something.
  • I changed Twin Husky and put some powder on him.   We all proceeded to feel the powder, me put powder on their bellies, powder in their hands, and suddenly all five of us were covered in powder.   My shirt still is grey and stinks of it (at least it’s a good stink).
  • Off to bed!    Books and kisses.   I love all of them so much!
I had such a great time tonight – what a roller coaster of a day.   My eyes are still swollen and burning – hopefully tomorrow will be more consistent.
Till tomorrow,
– Mama K



August 15: Sooooo sad

We just came off from a wonderful weekend. We went to the park and all kids had a great time with slides, and hubby was playing bat and ball with Big Bro. He had a blast. We also went to a surprise birthday party for a friend where there were lots of kids and kids toys – so we felt free to let our kids roam and explore. Then on Sunday I reconnected with two friends/coworkers from YEARS past – I have not seen one in over 12 years and she recently moved out to our city. So it was great to reconnect with everyone and meet everyone’s children. It was also interesting to see how things just don’t skip a beat. So many changes yet we’re still very much the same people.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Big Bro and Red were busy in their rooms playing the games brought to them as gifts from the day before. Big Bro is excited about bringing “Uno” to school. So much so that he was already dressed, was excited about eating breakfast, and kept asking us if it was time to leave yet.
  • Red picked out her clothes too. She was having fun playing with the tiles from another game.
  • I was having trouble finding something comfortable to wear that looked good. I kept seeing panty-lines everywhere and something that was supposed to be loose fitting and concealing made me feel like a plump sausage. I think I changed 3 times this morning until I found something that worked. I must be getting my period soon.
  • I made a big deal about Big Bro and Red picking out their clothes – so Twin Crazy started pulling at her diaper and then disappeared upstairs to look in her closet for clothes too. I couldn’t believe it. SHe also went into the bathroom to find her toothbrush and toothpaste.
  • I helped Red get dressed. She protested the underwear I picked and demanded the new Dora ones – thankfully I knew where they were – in the drying machine. Whew. And there were 20 to pick from so one was easy to find.
  • Twin Husky kept walking around saying “Hiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa” all morning. Turning the corners, walking into new rooms, with this huge smile on his face and having a great time seeing everyone. He is such an easy child.
  • We were rushed leaving. I think it was because of all of my changing episodes.
  • We greeted our housecleaner who comes on an as-needed basis. I think we see her about once every two months but it feels like we should bring her in more. We started to use her when I was put on bed rest with the Twins so she has seen me from enormous to the two little 6 pounders, to them as 17 month olds walking and talking. She is amazed at how fast everybody is growing – even Big Bro who now looks like a teenager to her.
  • Drop off with REd and Twins went great; we didn’t have time to change Twin Husky’s diaper so he was very soppy.
  • Drop off with Big Bro was EASY since he was so excited about playing UNO with his teacher.

It is beautiful out today – which is unusual for the crappy weather we’ve been having. The sun is out and the city is not covered in fog. It actually feels like summer but of course the air is still cold.

Today at work I will be spending most of my time on a proposal due later this week. I have a meeting at 9 AM which I will be late to; I’ll be running to the office with no breakfast, no coffee, and no makeup. Great.

NOTE to self: I need to start a routine where I bring my breakfast into work. I can’t get by on trail mix.

Highlights of my Working Day:

  • Was late to the 9 AM meeting to discuss our approach for a proposal that is due at the end of the week
  • A different prospective client called me with some clarification questions; revised our proposal based upon his change in direction
  • Did some sales outreach efforts for the firm meeting in October

I had a reasonably bad day today; felt unenergized and down. I met a friend for drinks after work and completely lost it. Sorry Mama J!

Commute home:

I’m on a later ferry because of my plans with Mama J…. I cried way too much with her… Again, sorry Mama J!!! I’m on the ferry now with my eyes all red, and I’m still sniffling and crying. I need to make a decision: 1) pull myself together and pretend to my kids that I’m sick, or 2) go for a walk until they are in bed so they do not witness my despair. I want to see my kids but I’m scared that I’ll cry in front of them…

Someone please help me I’m begging for help but cannot seem to get anywhere. I’m so unhappy…

Made it home and was able to see them and hold it together.   Played cards with Big Bro, read books to Red, tickled Twins.   They all made me smile.

I’m going to sleep now…

Till tomorrow –

– Mama K

August 5: Extra time with my pumpkins but still so depressed

Today I was lucky to have some extra time with Red, Twin Husky, and Twin Crazy – their daycare provider had a doctor appointment so I had to bring them in later.   Because of this I took the liberty to work from home.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I got up a big slowly (drank too many beers the night before) but made it to the shower and downstairs in time to organize a few things before the kids were up
  • I took it slow.   There really was no rush since I did not have to take the ferry.   I enjoyed the kids.
  • I had four piles of clothes today, versus the normal two.   This is because daycare usually changes Twin Husky and Twin Crazy into day clothes for us – it makes our morning routine easier that way.  But today, we had four piles which was fun.
  • The kids cooperated with breakfast.   I made a full pot of coffee for my day at home.
  • When it was time to go, I had all kids get ready with shoes etc.  Twin Husky and Twin Crazy both came to me, one by one, to get their shoes on.
  • We dropped of Big Bro at school – he knew we were all coming in but he specifically requested that not everyone come into his classroom.   I agreed to this.  So the plan was to get the siblings set up in the “common room” at pre-school with toys and then privately drop of Tyler.  He was happy with this plan.
  • When I got them out of the van they were all well-behaved and stayed on the sidewalk holding hands.   The group knows to do this, especially if we are in a parking lot or crossing a street.
  • We got inside and the siblings were excited about the toys which were new to them.   Big Bro was happy that he had me to himself for drop off, and that his friends didn’t have to look at a huge group of kids (his kids) as they welcomed him into the room.
  • Red, Twin Husky, and Twin Crazy had a blast at pre-school.  We stayed there for an hour, playing with dolls, legos, plastic animals — playing make-believe in a kitchen area — climbing/sitting/getting down from chairs and doing it again, and again, and again.   They really had fun.
Kids playing with "new" toys at Big Bro's pre-school
  • When it was time to leave they were great.   Again, they stayed on the sidewalk until I shuffled them in the van.
  • We cruised by the library but it wasn’t open yet, so we went home.   Had a blueberry snack, watched our landlord mow our lawn, colored with markers, played with a keyboard, and did a puzzle.    There was only one problem (a BIG one)…. Twin Husky bit Twin Crazy’s finger.   I couldn’t believe it.   We’ve never had a biter.   I reprimanded him with a very harsh tone and he looked down but did not cry.   He took it like a man.   Then about a minute later Red came screaming over to me saying that Twin Husky tried to bite her.   Oh shit.   I can’t deal with this.  Daycare then called at 11:30 so I happily dropped them off.
  • After their drop off I headed to the food store – bought a chicken for dinner and a lot of other stuff.  Picked up a burritos for me for lunch.
I love experiences like this.  It gives me a glimpse of what it is like to be a stay at home mom.   I really had fun.  The kids had fun.  They were so well-behaved, with the exception of the bite incident.   But I was ready to give them to daycare.   I was ready to head home and get some work done.   So I know that I do want to continue to work, but I guess just a bit more time with my kids is all I need to feel more balanced, more happy.
Highlights of my Working Day:
  • I essentially sat on my couch with my feet up and worked on the go-to-market materials for the start-up initiative; we need those materials complete for a progress call next week AND for a client meeting next week.
  • I threw in a load of laundry.  I ran the dishwasher.
  • I booked a flight for a client presentation for next week – we were asked to go and present our findings and recommendations to a much larger audience… essentially all the people who were involved in the internal interview process and they are the ones whose jobs will be impacted as a result of the work.   This meeting by far will be the most stressful of any we’ve had to-date.   I will need to refresh the presentation deck to make sure the tone is proper so as not to offend anyone in the room on that day.
  • I threw the chicken in the oven at 4 PM.   I started to cook some beets.     I set the table.  I got the pajamas ready for the kids.   I confirmed that our Mother’s Helper was planning to show up tonight.   YEAH (there’s a whole pile of clothes to do, and a whole sink of hand-washables for her to attack).
Dinner and Bedtime:
  • I was on my own tonight since Hubby was at a baseball game.    This was fine since dinner was done and I was ready for them.
  • All ate well.   Twins liked the beets.   Big Bro and Red at least tried them.   The chicken was a hit.
  • Afterwards Big Bro and Red watched a movie and ate popcorn (we like to do this on Friday nights).  Twin Husky was having fun rocking back and forth and talking on our rocker.   Twin Crazy had a great time on the slide structure.
  • Pajamas were fun; the Twins were ready.   I got them milk and they took the milk and their blankets over to the stairs.  They were so ready.  Up they went – books, sing a song, kisses, and in their cribs — butts in the air, blankets in hand, thumbs in mouth.   Out.
  • Red and Big Bro were fine with teeth brushing, etc.   They both sat in my lap for two books.  Big Bro looked exhausted and was out within 5 min of getting into bed.
  • Red came out saying that her finger hurt – so I looked at it, found nothing, but offered her a band-aid.  She proceeded to put it on the wrong finger (wrong hand even) and I caught her in the act and mentioned it to her.   She looked at me, put her chin down and eyes up, and tried to hold back a smile.   She knew I was onto her.
I had a great day, but for some reason I was still extremely depressed in the afternoon and even now.   Spending too much time in an empty, soul-less house is really disturbing for me.   We are renting our place and it was meant to be a temporary spot for us (for a year or so) until we figured out where we REALLY want to settle.   But Kindergarten is getting underway soon, our place is so empty (no pictures up, bookshelves empty) and it feels like my life is in a holding pattern with no time horizon for any decision to be made.  It is so disturbing to me.   I find it so hard to believe that despite my working from home and having time with my kids (and kind of feeling like a stay at home mom today), I am still so unhappy.   I feel so misplaced.   And I think my meeting my old high-school friend last night had a lot to do with it.   I miss my home.   I want a home for my children.  I want less stress and less pressure.   I want simplicity.    I want to enjoy my time and live my life with my family – and get on with establishing a home and rooting for the sake of them and myself.   I will need to write more on this at another time – but I’m just feeling so down right now.    So empty despite having so much.
I think I’ll call it a night, check in on my sleeping kids, take my meds and go to sleep –
Till next week –
– Mama K
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