May 15: Feeling run down


Big day. Big deliverable. From here on out I am decompressing from work. But, stress levels will be getting higher on the personal front…

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Chocolate Tuesday! Kids were waking up saying Chocolate Tuesday. They are completely driven by routine.
  • Twin Husky wanted to spread the Nutella on his bread ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! He was angry when he wasn’t given a chance and then all smiles when he was handed the knife. Twin Crazy, of course, wanted to do hers by herself too when she saw her brother being so independent.
  • Red wanted her “mommy time” helping her get dressed. I helped her with her necklace too.
  • Big Bro was dressed without a problem – even changed the underwear and socks without a fight. He was out on his trip with the Motley Crew without skipping a beat.
  • Twin Crazy was still sick – but eating this morning. We dropped her off with medicine. Poor Twin Husky never had a diaper change this morning…. when I picked him up out of his car-seat he was sopping wet. He was also packed up in the car without his Tiger – when he called out for it co-parent drove away anyway without going in for it and poor Twin Husky cried most of the way there.
  • Drop off with Red went fine – again, she had all of her “stuff” with her and was only happy when everything was hanging on her hook instead of having things on the floor.
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    The ferry ride was fine; it is sunny and nice out today. I talked with a neighbor and did not think much about work.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • We had a conference call with our client about our revised Executive Summary; there were some small suggestions but they loved it and we are on the right track. Our team is finishing up the document today and I will take it from there. I want to have it at the client by Friday so I will likely work on it tomorrow and possibly in the evenings this week.
  • We then met with our partners to get ready for the BIG sales meeting today related to the initiative we are trying to launch. I had six potential clients on the phone and we have another 4-5 in the sales pipeline. The call went well and I think we might actually launch this thing which would be great for me. I don’t like working with partners. These folks have not added much value AT ALL and sweep in at the end… you also have to think about their motivations for being involved and at this point I don’t feel like we need them to pull this off. We have some things we need to do to sell this further – I can handle all of it and we are shooting for a “commitment” by early Fall which I think is doable. That will be my next big push.
  • I spent time doing admin items and getting ready for my day tomorrow – I will be working from home so I needed to make sure I had everything I need to make my 1/2 day productive.
  • I’m now on the ferry and I’m not sure how I feel. I feel bad for the kids. That’s what it comes down to. This sucks for them. I don’t know if being so young will help them or hurt them in the long run. But I need to be there for them. I need to be strong for them even though I don’t feel strong for myself most of the time. I am looking forward to having my own space but again, I don’t feel as excited as I could be. I feel like I’m accomplishing something for the family but it is so damn hard fighting uphill battles all of the time. I wish we could just focus on the kids. If that was the driving principle we wouldn’t be fighting so hard in different directions. That is the most frustrating thing for me. Dealing with other people’s “wants” instead of focusing on our childrens’ “needs”.

    I’m looking forward to seeing them. Holding them. And I’m looking forward to tomorrow and strolling with the Twins while Big Bro rides his bike – that’s what he wrote in his Mother’s Day gift to me – that he likes it when I walk with him on his way to school. Those days are limited for me and him going forward so I’m looking forward to tomorrow and spending that time with him and soaking it in.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I picked up Red and she was all smiles. Laughing about how much stuff we had to take home of hers (“bag lady”).
  • I picked up the Twins and didn’t like what I heard. First of all, the first words out of Twin Husky’s mouth was “Tiger” and he ran to the van to get home. The daycare provider said he was missing it all day long. Second, Twin Crazy is still sick. High fever, no appetite, and puked this morning. She seemed happy and fine when I picked her up but I am concerned. If she is still bad tomorrow I will take her to the doctor.
  • Pick up for Big Bro was smooth; he rode his bike home and I followed him until we hit a windy spot – he decided to stop so we threw his bike into the trunk and drove home.
  • At home I was cooking dinner AND THE KIDS WERE SO WELL BEHAVED!!!! Big Bro was upstairs in his room playing quietly and doing Legos. Twin Husky was busy with his Tiger and playing in the play kitchen and pretending to fix things. The girls were busy being sisters, sitter together and “reading” books. Twin Crazy was having fun wearing my shoes.
  • We had a pancake dinner and the kids ate well, except for Twin Crazy. She sat in my lap and had a banana and lots of water.
  • Afterwards we watched some T.V. and talked about the movie. Red put lots of clips in her hair by herself and she actually looked gorgeous. She wants to do the same by herself for tomorrow at school.
  • I put the Twins to bed tonight; gave them both medicine. Twin Crazy was playing with stickers while on the potty, but putting them on the wall. She took them off when I asked her to do so. Then both Twins were feeling REALLY good and acting silly. They were rolling around in Big Bro’s bed for awhile and I let them enjoy themselves before whisking them off to their room. They went down OK, but wanted me to hold them and sing to them a bit before going to bed. That was unusual. I had both of them in my lap, hugging them, their heads on my shoulders, and I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle”. They kept saying “more” so I sang several times and then said “last time” and sang one time more. They both got up and went to their cribs. So easy.
  • I was greeted by Big Bro and Red while in with the Twins. I brought them into their rooms and said goodnight. I was reading in my room and was visited again by them. Co-parent brought them upstairs and all is quiet now.
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    I’m so tired. Just wiped out. I’m glad I hit the 15th in terms of work and its finally over. All of my big deliverables. I should be busy but more consistent at work going forward; just when the stress of the divorce picks up. I still can’t believe what is happening and the extent to which we cannot agree on anything. It is so exhausting and counterproductive. I need my energy for the kids.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    March 13: Feeling worn out.


    Last night was rough. There were multiple times during the night that Red was up in the middle of the night crying. I went up several times to soothe her. Rock her. Hold her. And tell her it was OK. She would drift back to sleep, and then it would happen again a few hours later. Early in the AM (5:45 ish) Daddy indicated that she can’t keep doing this anymore. Still crying. I go up and soothe her. It’s almost 6 AM. I tell her its time to wake up soon and give her the option of resting in her bed or coming downstairs with her stuff to get ready for the day. She comes downstairs happily.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Red in my room, laughing and joking. Joking about her toes.
  • I shower and quickly get ready. Red asks why I wear tights (it is raining today) and that my skirt is too long. I look at my face and I have old mascara all down my face. I asked REd why she didn’t tell me that I looked like this? This is ridiculous! I look like a Panda bear (her pre-school class is the Panda Bears). We talked about this for awhile and I explained the eye-maker remover and how it takes off the junk without hurting my eyes.
  • We head upstairs and get Twin Crazy and Twin Husky. Twin Crazy and Red are fighting over the tea party set but it is Twin Crazy’s present. They divided the stuff and seemed happy.
  • Big Bro was busy sleeping. I have a feeling he worked on his Lego project too long last night.
  • CHOCOLATE TUESDAY!!! All kids excited. Chocolate all over the place.
  • Big Bro and Red received the items that they painted at a birthday party the other day. Red painted a frog all black, with colored spots. It was so cute. Twin Crazy even said that it was “cute”. Red looked at it and then said that she wanted to give it to me. I love it. My little black froggie.
  • Afterwards Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were walking around with their helmets and their scooters. The stuff was not put into the garage last night but left in the kitchen instead (BIG MISTAKE). So now these kids were scootering all over the kitchen – we’re trying to get out in the morning and we don’t need to fight over helmets and scooters. Note to self: make sure everything is put in garage the night before.
  • We made it out by 8 AM so did the 3 drop offs all together. Twins first. Big Bro next. Red last. I dropped off the envelopes and “mail” that I made for her last night. I made the deadline so am glad for that.
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    I am on the ferry now, and it is so rainy. The morning was OK, but I’m still working off of very little sleep. I have major deliverables for 4 different initiatives/ projects I am leading in April. Plus another meeting I am trying to organize in May. Plus a divorce. There are so many things that I need to address today. It will be busy! I will have 1 planning meeting, 1 selling meeting, 1 meeting with my lawyer, 1 client meeting, and 1 interview for a potential new hire. AND I have to get work done in between. I will need to buy breakfast this AM to get me ready.

    Highlights of My Working Day:
    OMG very busy!!!!

  • Started by leading a team call with our partner for our refined go-to-market activities for a forum we are trying to launch. I then took these materials and reached out to all prospects on my list. Hopefully we’ll get some bites. We’ve repositioned this as a “meeting” versus a firm decision to commit. So a softer sell. I hope this change in direction works, especially since it was my idea.
  • I then lead a call with a potential participant for our other forum…. a really big potential client… COO of a MAJOR player that we have not worked with in the past. The meeting went great. I got connected with her from an ex-co worker of mine from over 20 years ago. It is amazing how strong your network becomes over the years. Not only is she interested in the one initiative that we were talking with her about, but she is also interested in the OTHER initiative I am leading too!! OMG!!! I want to set up a lunch to thank my friend and also invite her, since I think there could be amazing business development opportunities that come from this…. My Director gave me a fist-pump after the call.
  • I unfortunately also had a lot of personal calls today; regarding events with the divorce…
  • I had some calls to help secure speakers at our forums
  • I answered/addressed a ton of emails related to all of the above
  • I had to work on our client deliverable for today and sent it to them; we had our status call today and shared some preliminary insights with them. I also thought about our face-to-face working meeting for next week and what we need to have done to be ready for that meeting…. we have a lot to do…
  • I interviewed a potential hire for our office. I liked him.
  • Now I’m on the ferry, and I know I have a lot of work to do on a personal front and for work…. we are in crunch time now since our forums are one month away. A lot has to be done, to be orchestrated…. I am getting nervous…. particularly since the divorce is coming to a head all at the same time…

    I’m on the ferry new and it is rainy. The boat is rocky. I’m not sure what I’m going to have for dinner tonight but I am starved. I think pasta. And spinach. And shrimp. I am tired from my night with Red last night. Hopefully she is in a good mood tonight despite her lack of sleep….

    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • It was raining when I picked the kids up. I was starving. I picked up Red first, then Twin Crazy/Twin Husky, and then Big Bro. Red was trying to tell me about a “streamer-on-a-stick” thing that she made but I was having a hard time understanding what she was talking about. She was getting mad at me. Eventually I figured it out but it took a good 15 minutes. I wish she just would have told me to look in her folder!!!
  • We decided on pasta, shrimp, and spinach. I gave them a small snack as we walked in since they seemed cranky/hungry.
  • After dinner we worked on Big Bro’s “catch a leprechaun” project where he puts “gold coins” in a cup with a ramp so that the leprechaun falls into the cup as he’s getting the gold. Big Bro wanted to write out the directions in list-form first before starting on the project. He is like me in that way – I live by lists.
  • Twin Crazy was walking around with chap-stick.
  • I started some laundry and cleaned up from dinner.
  • Red was the only kid who ate a lot of dinner, so I snuck her into the garage and gave her some animal crackers as a treat.
  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were freaking out at bedtime tonight. Laughing, running in circles, and being hysterical as they were giving each other kisses tonight.
  • Right now Big Bro and Red are talking to me through the “kid” monitor. So cute. They’re telling me stories and singing.
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    It was a good day; another busy day. I feel like I scored a big win at work, but feel like I’m under the gun at home. I’m looking forward to my mother’s arrival tomorrow – she will be here until Sunday.

    Wait a minute…. now Red is crying. Big Bro is whispering into the “kid” monitor for me to come up there since Red’s crying. But it’s not my night. It’s up to Daddy to be on duty for them tonight. I hate this. It makes it seem like he’s calling for me but I’m not responding to him/her.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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