June 12: My last night


Chocolate Tuesday.  My last one at this house.  After this week, I will officially be living in my new home.   And my kids will need to deal with this divorce in a different way than they have experienced in the past.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I woke up on the couch, again.  I woke up and showered quickly.  I was going to be working from home today due to divorce-related meetings so there was no need to get dressed in work attire. 
  • Twin Crazy was excited about wearing tights.  So I helped her in them and helped her pick a dress.  She picked a halter-top number with butterflies and she looked ADORABLE.
  • The rest of the kids were in great moods as well because of Chocolate Tuesday.  My last……
  • Big Bro had to wear a white shirt for school today for special outside events so I found a “shark” shirt.  Twin Crazy was at first extremely scared of it (and we talked about those feelings) but then she had a change of heart and decided that she loved the shark and wanted to give it kisses.   She proceeded to get chocolate Nutella all over Big Bro’s shark shirt.
  • Drop offs were fine; I dropped off Red and she was in a reasonably good mood, but very clingy.

 

 

 

 

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I got in the car and loaded up more things and headed out to my house.  I needed to be there for a furniture delivery.   So I was busy cleaning up the floors and also getting my trash ready for trash night.  
  • In the meantime, I hooked up my modem so that I could get Internet access and be wireless.  No problems so far!
  • Macy’s came and gave me the red carpet treatment.  Then one of the chickens came by and the delivery guys (and me) were laughing.  I guess the Chicken does not see red carpets too often and was curious as to what was going on.
  • The living room furniture looks great; after the delivery I just sat there for a few moments and relaxed.  I mean REALLY relaxed.  I strangely felt at peace, despite how my life was being torn and the events that I needed to get ready for this week.   The house is coming together.  And it feels comfortable.  It feels good.   I feel good in it.
  • I quickly had to get ready to leave for an appointment related to the beginning of our Child Custody evaluation.  I can’t believe we are going through this – but we couldn’t agree with anything while we were married, why would I think that we would be able to agree to anything now.   It is terrible that 3rd parties are deciding on what is best for our family.   How can me and co-parent think so differently??!?!?!?!
  • On my way to my appointment I called the office and told them I’m just going to take the day off.  I got NOTHING done but a few emails – I can’t claim that I did any real work today.   The same will go for tomorrow.
  • The meeting was emotionally exhausting.  The same rehashing of events and feelings of lost dreams and disappointment.  
  • I got back to pick up the Twins; co-parent picked up Big Bro and Red.

 

 

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I cleaned up the last of my room while co-parent cooked dinner.  I had a lot of time with Twin Crazy, who was helping me sort through stuff to keep vs. stuff to throw away.  She seemed very needy tonight.  It must have been hard for her to see me packing up in this way.
  • I vacuumed up the room and the kids helped.
  • We ate pizza outside.  We ate cherries.  Twin Crazy sat on my lap the entire time.
  • Red sat on my lap next.   Both of my girls are needy tonight.
  • I played “wall ball” with Big Bro.  He had me cracking up with all of the lingo and terminology to this game.  I really had a good time and I’m glad he kept asking me to play with him.
  • We went inside and co-parent was watching TV with Big Bro and the Twins as I was packing up some things with Red.    Then there was an issue with the remote control and Twin Crazy accidently turned off the show that Big Bro was watching.  Big Bro of course had a tantrum and threw himself on the floor.  This scared Twin Crazy who came running over to me.
  • I drew some firetrucks with Red and Big Bro.
  • Upstairs, it was my night with Red and Big Bro.  Big Bro read us a book.  I talked with them about it being my last night here.  Big Bro cheered, saying that for now on we will get to spend more time at my house.   Red looked at me and said that she likes my house but does not like that it is far away.  My heart sank.  I can’t take too much more emotion right now.  She asked why did I pick that house even though its far away?   I picked it because of the schools.   To give my kids the opportunity to go to the best public schools in this area (and because of affordability, but I didn’t get into that with her).    I told her that her brain and the rest of the kids’ brains deserve the very best schools and they will be able to get them with that house.   Big Bro was an optimist and said that it just feels like the house is farther away than it really is because you have to get on a highway.  But the cars go fast so it really isn’t that long of a trip.   Ugggh.  My heart breaks again.

 

 

 

So I kissed them goodnight and told them that I really enjoyed my last night with them in this house.  I then went to see Twin Crazy and Twin Husky and whispered my normal “I….. love….. you.     Sweet dreams.  Bye-bye.”  

I went downstairs and headed to a neighbor’s house to close out the evening.  We talked about kids in general (they also have four) and laughed.   I enjoyed myself and will miss them.   But I already know they will be visiting and I have so many ideas of things to do with the eight kids… most of them involving weeds.   J

I’ll be honest – I am so disappointed at how things have turned out for me and my family.  We moved into this house temporarily and I had such high hopes – I really felt like we were moving in the right direction as a family.   I was so hopeful.  And excited for our future.    I spent my marriage putting my family first above my own needs – and did this for so long that I eventually broke.  I have found much better balance now and am happier in a much different way; but this happiness has come with many trade-offs.   A significantly reduced standard of living.  The loss of a marriage and partnership.  The strain on the children, now and in the future.   And a future that is unknown.    But, all futures are unknown.   I am trying to do my best with the cards that have been dealt to me.   And I am hoping that things will work out for my family and that the children will be taken care of and given what they need. 

I have another big day tomorrow and a bigger day on Thursday.   I’m going to hunker down now on the couch and finish this last day.   I’m feeling down and terribly disappointed; I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel stronger.

Til tomorrow –

–          Mama K

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May 22: Day from HELL


But the day started off so great….

Chocolate Tuesday! Kids woke up fast, got dressed fast, and as a result had plenty of time to play before we dropped them off at daycare.

Highlights of the Morning:

  • I walked into Twin Husky and Twin Crazy’s room – Twin Husky was already standing and smiling and pointing to me, making faces, and acting silly. Twin Crazy was still getting up but happy because of chocolate tuesday. She kept squealing “Chocolate Tuesday! Chocolate Tuesday!” and was anxious to get downstairs. I changed her into clothes since her PJs were a bit damp from pee. She was so cute, rejecting the options I was giving to her and she requested a dress. One was too small but we tried another that she loved. I can’t believe the difference between our two girls. Red is such a tom-boy and Twin Crazy loves dresses and tights. So cute.
  • Red woke up in a great mood and was quick to pick out her clothes. She wanted to get dressed upstairs by herself but she wanted me to wait by the stairs for her.
  • Big Bro was already dressed and headed downstairs. He offered to take Twin Crazy down with him since she was anxious to go downstairs and did not want to wait for Red to get ready. He is such an amazing big brother.
  • I got downstairs with Red and Big Bro was in her seat. I immediately saw this so asked if we could scoot him around so that Red could sit in her spot. He was agreeable to this.
  • Twin Husky was investigating the new cereals that I bought last night. I think they passed his taste-test.
  • I made Big Bro’s lunch and am trying to diversify what he gets. He always gets the same thing which I don’t agree with. We need to offer him more choices so he can become more flexible.
  • Red sat on my lap so I could help her with her socks and then Twin Crazy sat on HER lap. I was laughing about the “girl sandwich” and the kids were having fun too.
  • All kids were dressed, cleaned up, vitamins done, and ready to go QUICKLY. Big Bro was playing with Legos, playing games with their faces and their helmets, and doing experiments to see if his fingers were the same size as the Lego figurines. Twin Crazy was playing with a toy computer and she said she was doing her “work”.
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    I have a lot on my mind today. Things at work: getting sales efforts underway for a new initiative that went well, and also firming up dates and getting planning started for two of our established forums – meetings will occur in October and I want to start the planning up front as well as solicit/ sell to new members. If I bring in sales it increases my value at the company and makes this “hybrid” position more secure/stable. I need to focus on sales to keep myself valuable.

    I also have a lot on my mind with this divorce. I am striving on making positive changes for the family however co-parent is hiding behind excuses to slow down the decisioning process – this will not be good for the kids or us. There are also things happening on the financial front that are appalling and that I just won’t get into. True colors come out during divorce I suppose and I feel like my moving on and away from him is becoming easier and easier as each day goes by.

    Highlights of my Working Day:

  • I started right away. I had a conference call to debrief our potential partner on the outcomes of our initial sales call for a potential forum we are trying to launch. Working with them is painful – they are adding NO value and I want to protect our firm’s potential revenues from this initiative. As of yet, we can go at this on our own – we intend to follow up with the potential clients one-on-one and organize a face-to-face meeting in the Fall. If our partners do not contribute to this, I want to proceed without them.
  • I put some work on the back-burner for another forum we are trying to launch. I think it is a longer sales cycle and am not happy nor do I trust the partner we are working with.
  • I sent out a “final” letter to close out a project we recently completed. Yeah!
  • I spent time on admin, and also working through files and information related to the divorce.
  • This divorce process is so unbelievably frustrating. Working with mediators are supposed to CLARIFY things so that there are no areas for potential dispute. I feel like we are going in circles and we are re-hashing significant details around our temporary summer custody schedule… which is to begin in 3 weeks. Why are we spending this money????? I’ve been trying to get clarity on a number of items and there still is no clarity. So am I to get lawyers involved at double the cost? Are you kidding me??!??!?!?!

    I am on the ferry now headed home. I’m looking forward to seeing the kids and talking about their days. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, working from home, where I can walk with Big Bro to school – and maybe also take Red and Twin Crazy and Twin Husky. Then drop the rest off via car. This kind of time with them is limited for me now so I want to take advantage of these days while I can.

    I also want to drive to my house tonight. To take the trash to the curb and also get some things done. I know it sounds silly. I can just text my neighbor to pull my cans out. But I feel the need to be there. I can take the time to take over some more of my things – clothes, my desk, office chair. Check my mail. Maybe I’ll take the older kids. They would love that.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • As I picked up the kids I received an extremely disturbing email message from our child custody mediator, who essentially is putting stability of daycare over and above time with me over the summer. I can’t believe this is happening. If a mother is willing and able to care for her children over the summer for some days during the week, isn’t that the better option than putting them in daycare? How can consistency of friends in daycare trump time spent with Mom in the midst of divorce? I just don’t understand. I just don’t understand. Help me to understand.
  • Needless to say, I was pre-occupied this evening. I played with the kids before our dinner arrived. I ate pizza and then I drove out to my house to water my lawn (yes, it is already brown), pick up my mail, take the trash to the curb, and lug in BIG dresser boxes and a new TV. Big Bro and Red were with me and they helped with the lawn and the plants.
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    It’s almost 1 AM and I’m typing, after going through mountains of papers for this god-awful divorce. This is the worst experience ever. I cannot believe the amount of money we are pissing away and I cannot believe the outcomes that I have seen thus far. I am walking away from this marriage with virtually NO assets, except for the house that I scraped up to purchase, which will probably have a lien on it from my lawyer. That is what is going to wind up happening. This is the most irrational thing that has ever happened to me in my life. There are too many parties involved and no-one who has a full picture of the situation. It is crazy – absolutely crazy. Time and energy that I could be spending to help my children cope with this mess is being drained by papers and irrational conclusions. And in the end it will be the kids that will suffer. I need to shield them from this and put on a happy face tomorrow. I can’t wait to get out of this house.

    On that note I will call it a night – I know tomorrow will be just as bad if not worse. I better take some Advil tonight to prepare.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    February 24: My heart is elated and then breaking


    Yeah! Friday! Time with the kids! Yet at the same time, ugggh… Friday… .that means another weekend is almost here….

    I had a great day with the kids:

  • This morning went VERY smoothly; Big Bro, Twin Crazy, and Twin Husky were excited about the ride to Big Bro’s school. Red was very cooperative and got dressed all by herself first thing in the AM. Twin Crazy was excited about wearing a shirt with a hood and pockets. They all ate well and were super-excited about vitamins, as usual.
  • The ride to Big Bro’s school was nice – it was a beautiful day and the birds were singing. I asked the Twins what the birds were singing about and they said “worms” — this is a story that I made up with the kids several weeks ago… I was pretending that I was a bird and translating the chirps into “oooooh, good morning good morning good morning…. ohhh it’s a nice day outside…. ohhhhh I’m hungry for breakfast…. ohhh where are the worms, where are the worms, where are the worms…. ohhhh I’m looking for worms…..”. So it’s our own little joke now when we hear birds singing we say they must be singing about worms.
  • Twin Husky was playing with his rubber snake and I asked if it was a nice snake or a mean one… he said a mean one and then I pretended that the snake bit my finger and cried “Ouch”! Then each of them were pretending to be bitten by the snake and they each said “Ouch” too.
  • On the way back home I saw a team of gardeners with a lawnmower so took the opportunity to teach them about the lawnmower and how it is loud and how it cuts the grass and how the grass looks nice now…. it was cute. They were completely into it.
  • While at home, I had a chance in the early AM to brown a roast and make a quick sauce of broth, diced tomatoes, and spices and threw everything into a crock-pot. There. Dinner is essentially taken care of.
  • During the rest of the morning they had a good time coloring, eating, playing hide-and-seek with a blanket, doing puzzles, helping me unload the dishwasher, jumping, showing me their bellies, and being tickled by me.
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    Then it was lunch and nap-time for them. I straightened the house and got some personal items done. The afternoon would be spent in Child Custody mediation so I had a woman who previously helped us care for the kids come over a bit early so Twin Crazy and Twin Husky could wake up and see us with her — and talk about how we love her and how she used to take care of them when they were babies (and how they’re not babies anymore) and had her give them a snack of ice-cream before we left. They immediately took to her and had no problem saying goodbye to us and they went outside with her to play with scooters and bikes. Thank you Kendall!!! We do love you!!!!

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    It was a good dinner, a good pop-corn movie night. A good sister-bonding night. Red: “Do you want to sit here? I will sit right next to you, OK? It’s OK, I’m here, you’re not alone…”

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    But bedtime was rough. I had Twin Crazy and Twin Husky tonight but Big Bro revolted, hard. It was a very difficult time for him, and me. After hearing him and seeing him and hearing him say that he doesn’t want to take turns anymore and him consistently coming downstairs to me….. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I cleaned up as much as I could but then had to seclude myself in my room and cry, and cry, and cry. This is so hard. The forced separation while I am still here in the house is torturous; it’s hardest for Big Bro and he is at an age where he will remember. I am very concerned and it is just going to get harder for them. I need to be strong for them. And fight for what I believe is right for them.

    So today was a day of whiplash for me. It was so great and then so heartbreaking in a matter of hours. I feel like I’m alone in trying to find what is best for them in the long-run – but am putting my trust into a child psychiatrist / custody mediator whose job it is to work out a solution that is best for the children.

    I’m calling it a night –
    thanks for listening –
    – Mama K

    February 10: A difficult but fun day too


    Happy Friday!
    I was not working today but had all of the kids in daycare anyway – for two reasons: 1) I volunteered at Big Bro’s school today; and 2) I had a mediation meeting relating to the divorce.
    So, it has been an emotionally draining day. I’m absolutely wiped out. There’s some truth to “one step forward two steps back” – although we are getting closer to clarity, rehashing the past and thinking about what could have been is really, really hard for me. Our financial situation and quality of life could have been better elsewhere – I honestly feel that in the depths of who I am. But I need to move forward. And keep my priorities where they need to be.

    Like, for example:

  • Asking Twin Crazy and Twin Husky “who wants to get their diaper changed first?” and then both of them running away from me, Twin Crazy hiding behind Red, and calling out the others’ name. And then I ask, “Who wants to give Mommy a hug??” and then Twin Crazy comes RUNNING and laughing so I change her first.
  • Twin Husky still wanting to wear Red’s new shoes, even on top of his PJs. Notice his fluffy, clean Tigers in the picture.
  • Red doing my nails with her child nail polish. I picked two colors (silver glitter, purple) and she alternated my fingernails between the two colors.
  • The walk/bike ride to Big Bro’s school included Twin Husky and Twin Crazy wearing helmets. They see Big Bro with his helmet and Twin Husky demanded to wear Red’s. Then Twin Crazy wanted to wear a helmet since Twin Husky was wearing one.
  • Volunteering at Big Bro’s school and all of the kids playing with me and knowing me and calling me “Tyler’s mommy”. I had a lot of fun with them today – they were celebrating their 100th day at school and I was at the activity station where the kids were making stamping books. I love working with the kids, encouraging them, laughing with them… I was joking with them that I was going to eat their cereal necklaces since I didn’t eat enough breakfast and they were cracking up.
  • We watched TV after dinner and the twins kept climbing on me. They are both excited about their birthdays this weekend.
  • As I sit here in bed, the kids are singing Valentines songs into the “kid monitor” and asking me after each song if I liked it or not. I say “yes sweetie” but to them, upstairs, what I say sounds garbled so they repeat the garbled sound back into the monitor. I’m cracking up downstairs and knowing that one day I will miss these days, even though they are difficult for me.
  • So that’s about all I want to write for now. I’m really tired…
    Til next week –
    – Mama K

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