August 7: The tears that wouldn’t fall


I usually try to post a “Gig Tip” on Tuesdays but I just don’t have it in me today.

I’ve had a hard day.   It started with a headache this morning and missing the kids.   And also thinking about some of the challenges that they are facing which makes me sad.

Then I had lunch with an ex-colleague from over 12 years ago.   It was wonderful to see her.   It was wonderful to TALK with her.  She has gone through a divorce and there is so much in what she was saying that was EXACTLY like how I have been feeling.  It was sooooooooooo good to talk to her.  To actually TALK and have a conversation and FEEL and feel sympathetic and understand.   She is wonderful.  Her outlook is wonderful.  How she expresses herself is wonderful.  And how she captured how I am feeling was eye-opening.  I am not used to talking to people who understand me.   I’m really not.  I was so pleasantly surprised today at lunch – even through the sadness – the connection I felt so strongly with someone whom I have not seen in over 12 years – I am not sure just how much we actually have in common.   There is probably close to a decade of years between us… she has no kids…. she is early in her career… yet we shared a connection and a conversation that resonated so strongly in me that I was almost swept off of the booth I was sitting in.

So it was a good lunch, but also a difficult one that opened me up leaving me exposed.

I tried to do some work – I actually had a really productive day.

Tuesday is trash day at home.  So my normal routine is to go through the yard and fill up that Green bin as much as I can.  There is so much in my place in terms of weeds and yard work that honestly I need more bins.  So I went around with my wheel barrel and started to pick up the piles of old branches and dead leaves from my hedge-clipping frenzy from several weeks ago.   I was sad picking up the dead decaying branches and getting them ready for trash.  Clearing out my space, my yard, getting rid of the branches that do not fit in this yard anymore.

I felt like crying.  I wanted to cry.  I even tried to force the tears.  My eyes would well up but the tears would not fall.  I need to get this out….

On my way to the bin I stopped at my compost tumbler and added the decaying leaves.   I then decided to take some of the leaves and crumble them on top of some of my garden – my garden that has yet to bear ANY fruit for me.   Am I watering for nothing?  Am I trying too hard with this new distraction/hobby?   Can ANY of these plants PLEASE create a freaking berry or something that I can eat?!?!??!?!   And then on my way crumbling up those leaves, I stopped when I got to my corn.  The 3-inch seedlings that my neighbor gave to me are now more like 3-4 feet high.  And I looked down and couldn’t believe it but there is this little corn-cob thingy starting to grow out of the biggest of the stalks.   I am amazed.   I then become hopeful, a little.

I feel like so much of what has happened in my life is such a waste.   I feel like those dead branches and I feel like those crumbling leaves being tossed aside but still I guess useful in some way for other things living.   I don’t know how I got here.   I don’t know how the essence of who I am got so misguided and depleted.    How can this happen to me?  When I try so hard?   How?   How did I let it happen?

And now the tears are finally falling.  So I’m glad I did not try to force a Gig Tip tonight.  I’m glad that I’ve had this chance to get this out.   I’m so happy that I had a chance to connect with my friend today at lunch.  I am so thrilled that she was speaking sentences that I could have said myself.  I am so happy that I found someone who understands.

I am thankful that I made a real connection today with someone.   But I am alone here now.   I am trying to see the potential for something new and something positive – like those damn corn stalk thingies.  But it is so hard.  So hard when you feel so alone and misunderstood by so many.

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Comments

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for just a little while now and let me tell you you are not alone in your feelings. I feel that way often and I actually have started reading your blog from the beginning as I am may be near the beginning of a potential same outcome. Your posts are so brave and honest and real. Thank you for that. It hard and I admire and appreciate you and your sharing your journey – all aspects of it. I hope you get some good sleep and start tommorrow afresh. I think you rock and I’m do glad you made a connection because I know how hard it is when you’re going through some sh*t and not sure if anyone really gets it. Thanks again.

    • Thank you so much for the support. This is not easy. But kids are resilient. I feared for them the most and they are taking this in strides, I think. I hope. I was mourning for so long not the marriage that I lost, but the life that we could have made for our kids. What I’m finding now, almost 9 months after my ex filed for divorce, is that life goes on. Things get rough, yes. And the kids cry and do have their issues. But if they are made to FEEL loved, not just saying “I love you” but really having them FEEL that they are adored and loved…. it works out OK. I think, I hope. And for me, my life is opening up. I’ve been retreating for so long. But I’m feeling that I am opening to others. My neighbors, new friends, new community. New. This is NOT the road that I would have picked for my family. But I am on it now – there is no getting off. Now it’s up to me to make the best of it and I’m honestly looking forward to more of ME. Thank you for reaching out. Sorry for the slow response. Again, at times I retreat but lately I’ve been feeling very open and eager to connect with others. Please keep in touch.

  2. I have been reading your posts since January, I feel for you, those dead branches are the end of the old and a new start. Everything takes time,even the plants…..Give it a chance.Enjoy reading your posts. My daughetr is in the same boat.

    • Thank you for reaching out to me. It honestly meant so much to hear these words from people; I’ve been going back and forth on a pendulum of isolation vs. being open and ready to accept change. I am in a happy spot right now. I am feeling so much stronger. I am laughing so much harder and feeling so deeply. And opening myself up to my neighborhood and the people here. Feeling like a community – something that I needed for so long. thank you again for reaching out and sorry it took some time to respond back. Please keep in touch!

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