June 12: My last night

Chocolate Tuesday.  My last one at this house.  After this week, I will officially be living in my new home.   And my kids will need to deal with this divorce in a different way than they have experienced in the past.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

• I woke up on the couch, again.  I woke up and showered quickly.  I was going to be working from home today due to divorce-related meetings so there was no need to get dressed in work attire. 
• Twin Crazy was excited about wearing tights.  So I helped her in them and helped her pick a dress.  She picked a halter-top number with butterflies and she looked ADORABLE.
• The rest of the kids were in great moods as well because of Chocolate Tuesday.  My last……
• Big Bro had to wear a white shirt for school today for special outside events so I found a “shark” shirt.  Twin Crazy was at first extremely scared of it (and we talked about those feelings) but then she had a change of heart and decided that she loved the shark and wanted to give it kisses.   She proceeded to get chocolate Nutella all over Big Bro’s shark shirt.
• Drop offs were fine; I dropped off Red and she was in a reasonably good mood, but very clingy.

Highlights of My Working Day:

• I got in the car and loaded up more things and headed out to my house.  I needed to be there for a furniture delivery.   So I was busy cleaning up the floors and also getting my trash ready for trash night.  
• In the meantime, I hooked up my modem so that I could get Internet access and be wireless.  No problems so far!
• Macy’s came and gave me the red carpet treatment.  Then one of the chickens came by and the delivery guys (and me) were laughing.  I guess the Chicken does not see red carpets too often and was curious as to what was going on.
• The living room furniture looks great; after the delivery I just sat there for a few moments and relaxed.  I mean REALLY relaxed.  I strangely felt at peace, despite how my life was being torn and the events that I needed to get ready for this week.   The house is coming together.  And it feels comfortable.  It feels good.   I feel good in it.
• I quickly had to get ready to leave for an appointment related to the beginning of our Child Custody evaluation.  I can’t believe we are going through this – but we couldn’t agree with anything while we were married, why would I think that we would be able to agree to anything now.   It is terrible that 3^rd parties are deciding on what is best for our family.   How can me and co-parent think so differently??!?!?!?!
• On my way to my appointment I called the office and told them I’m just going to take the day off.  I got NOTHING done but a few emails – I can’t claim that I did any real work today.   The same will go for tomorrow.
• The meeting was emotionally exhausting.  The same rehashing of events and feelings of lost dreams and disappointment.  
• I got back to pick up the Twins; co-parent picked up Big Bro and Red.

Dinner and Bedtime:

• I cleaned up the last of my room while co-parent cooked dinner.  I had a lot of time with Twin Crazy, who was helping me sort through stuff to keep vs. stuff to throw away.  She seemed very needy tonight.  It must have been hard for her to see me packing up in this way.
• I vacuumed up the room and the kids helped.
• We ate pizza outside.  We ate cherries.  Twin Crazy sat on my lap the entire time.
• Red sat on my lap next.   Both of my girls are needy tonight.
• I played “wall ball” with Big Bro.  He had me cracking up with all of the lingo and terminology to this game.  I really had a good time and I’m glad he kept asking me to play with him.
• We went inside and co-parent was watching TV with Big Bro and the Twins as I was packing up some things with Red.    Then there was an issue with the remote control and Twin Crazy accidently turned off the show that Big Bro was watching.  Big Bro of course had a tantrum and threw himself on the floor.  This scared Twin Crazy who came running over to me.
• I drew some firetrucks with Red and Big Bro.
• Upstairs, it was my night with Red and Big Bro.  Big Bro read us a book.  I talked with them about it being my last night here.  Big Bro cheered, saying that for now on we will get to spend more time at my house.   Red looked at me and said that she likes my house but does not like that it is far away.  My heart sank.  I can’t take too much more emotion right now.  She asked why did I pick that house even though its far away?   I picked it because of the schools.   To give my kids the opportunity to go to the best public schools in this area (and because of affordability, but I didn’t get into that with her).    I told her that her brain and the rest of the kids’ brains deserve the very best schools and they will be able to get them with that house.   Big Bro was an optimist and said that it just feels like the house is farther away than it really is because you have to get on a highway.  But the cars go fast so it really isn’t that long of a trip.   Ugggh.  My heart breaks again.

So I kissed them goodnight and told them that I really enjoyed my last night with them in this house.  I then went to see Twin Crazy and Twin Husky and whispered my normal “I….. love….. you.     Sweet dreams.  Bye-bye.”  

I went downstairs and headed to a neighbor’s house to close out the evening.  We talked about kids in general (they also have four) and laughed.   I enjoyed myself and will miss them.   But I already know they will be visiting and I have so many ideas of things to do with the eight kids… most of them involving weeds.   J

I’ll be honest – I am so disappointed at how things have turned out for me and my family.  We moved into this house temporarily and I had such high hopes – I really felt like we were moving in the right direction as a family.   I was so hopeful.  And excited for our future.    I spent my marriage putting my family first above my own needs – and did this for so long that I eventually broke.  I have found much better balance now and am happier in a much different way; but this happiness has come with many trade-offs.   A significantly reduced standard of living.  The loss of a marriage and partnership.  The strain on the children, now and in the future.   And a future that is unknown.    But, all futures are unknown.   I am trying to do my best with the cards that have been dealt to me.   And I am hoping that things will work out for my family and that the children will be taken care of and given what they need. 

I have another big day tomorrow and a bigger day on Thursday.   I’m going to hunker down now on the couch and finish this last day.   I’m feeling down and terribly disappointed; I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel stronger.

Til tomorrow –

–          Mama K