June 11: Running towards the end or the beginning?


A sunny Monday, after a great weekend and extra days with my mother at my new house.   The day so far has been good.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I woke up on the couch.  All of my bedroom has been moved over to my new house.  So the couch was my bed.  I showered the night before so woke up at 7 AM and got ready in record time.
  • Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were still sleeping when I got to their room.  Butts in the air – I love that position of toddlers/young kids.
  • Red and Big Bro were likewise still slumbering.  Big Bro was completely hidden under his covers except for his one leg and foot.  Red was bundled up and her face reminded me of when she was a baby… all scrunched up and lips pouting.
  • Twins woke up in great moods; I wish I could say the same about Red.   Co-parent started to take her things downstairs but she was thrown into a fit over something.  I tried to calm her but it took awhile.  I saw her baby on her bed and I think the issue was that her “stuff” was not taken downstairs as a collective package.  Once I grabbed her baby and her blanket, she calmed down, and took my hand to go downstairs.  She has become quite a handful.  She has always had trouble using her words when she is angry – and now at four years old her tantrums are becoming fierce.
  • She sulked downstairs over her chair, her clothes, her EVERYTHING.
  • The rest of the kids ate well; Twin Husky and Twin Crazy wanted to be held.
  • I packed up Twin clothes for daycare and got the rest of the kids things by the door.
  • Big Bro was getting ready for his last day as “leader” of the Motley Crew bike ride – this is his last week of school.
  • After everyone left, I was with Red, alone.  She happily got changed, happily went over to her seat, and happily ate her cereal.   She needs to be handled very carefully these days.  Her drop off was fine – she was clingy, but went to her teacher.

The ferry ride to the city was fine; it was sunny and I was talking with a neighbor.  My work is not that busy right now so I am not feeling stress on that front.  There are things for me to do but none are time-critical right now.  But that can be a problem sometimes.  I need to set my own deadlines when work gets like this – otherwise I get lazy and nothing gets done.

This is my last week living in this house.  The last week of Big Bro’s school.  The last week of our dysfunctional family lives as we currently know it.

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • It felt good to be in the office.  I missed some important meetings last week on my days off so I got caught up with a colleague.
  • I ramped up planning for one of the forums:   sent out “Save the Date” emails to the members, and also started the outreach for speakers for that meeting in Fall.   I also asked my admin to schedule a planning meeting with a subset of members for planning purposes – I already have the agenda set so am hoping to get this meeting complete soon so I can get things accomplished.
  • I started to think through sales efforts for the above forum.
  • We need to change the date for another forum I am working on.  It is a big conference week in the location we are looking at so the original dates will not work.  I need to make sure that our proposed revised date does not have any conflicts before reaching out to our members…
  • I had a fantastic lunch and enjoyed walking outside in the warm weather
  • I spent time going through admin items – clearing out emails and also going through some personal items.

I am on the ferry now and it is bittersweet.  One of my last times in the afternoon picking up all the kids.   My time here is ending and I hoped to be moving on with my husband.   I wish things could have worked differently but they did not.  I was hoping to experience this transition with him – honestly I was.   So now I face this week by myself.  And my children are in the middle.  And I wish it could have been different.

I feel happier, but lonelier, and also wondering if things will be OK for the kids.  I feel the need for positive reinforcement.   I know they will be better for me – anything will be better compared to 2011.   I recently read a quote “sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to come together.”  I am hoping that is the case for me and my family.

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • Pickups were great.  Red ran into me and grabbed my leg like there was no tomorrow.  Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were jumping up and down as my van pulled up.  They were jumping with such gusto that I laughed out loud.  Twin Husky needed to run off extra energy before getting into the van.  Big Bro was happy to get his bike but wanted it loaded into the van.
  • Red was crying because of a hurt finger.  Once she got a band-aid on it she was fine.
  • Red and Big Bro were lobbying for boxed mac-n-cheese.  I said “no way”.   Twin Crazy found two boxes hidden behind our rocking chair later that night.
  • I started dinner and threw in some laundry.   The kids were playing.  I then read Twin Crazy a book.  She asked me to read it again and again.  I think I went four times until the dinner was ready.
  • We ate.  I did more laundry.  I started to pack up some of the kids’ toys for my house.
  • I was with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky tonight.  Big Bro was upset.  He said he wished that he could switch back and forth between being himself and Twin Husky that way I could read to him every night.  I told him that I love him no matter what though.  He said he knew that.  I said “seriously” while looking into his eyes.  I need for him to know that he is loved no matter where I am and no matter where he is.  He knows this.

 

So I’m now sitting in an empty bedroom, listening to my laundry spin.  I’m packing up some last items.   I’m getting ready for a drive to my house first thing in the AM to accept a furniture delivery and also get my TV installed.  I bet I won’t be able to get any work done so I think I should just take the day off.   I will try to get Internet installed tomorrow AM (by myself – they sent me a kit) so that hopefully I can try to be a bit productive.  If I can’t get anything done I will just take off.

I’m feeling good, I think.  The transition is finally happening this week.  I spent 5 ½ months living in the same house as co-parent while going through a divorce process.  While listening to my children cry at night.  While standing by and forcing myself to stay out of his parenting.   While trying to work with 3rd parties but not being heard; while fighting financial aspects (much less important to me) and also child custody aspects – the latter ripping my heart out in the process.   I’ve come to accept a lot through this time; things that I took for granted I’ve had to fight for and be rejected.  I’ve even fought with my own lawyers.    But again – things sometimes have to fall apart for better things to come together.   I can only keep thinking that as I finally move from this house.   As things get better for me it will get tougher for my kids – I know this.   But the most important thing, I believe, is that they FEEL loved and that I know I can give to them.

Til tomorrow –

–          Mama K

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