May 25: Getting back

I know it’s been a couple of days since I’ve written anything. I’ve been doing this since July 2011 and this past Wednesday and Thursday were the first times that I skipped writing a daily journal.

I just didn’t have anything left in me.

On those evenings I either was up until past midnight writing divorce-related correspondence, or just so physically and emotionally exhausted that I passed out immediately after putting the kids to bed. So, nothing was written. But I will remember these past several days well, unfortunately.

I cannot begin to tell you the feeling of a 3rd party telling you that you must take your older children to daycare for two days during the week during the summer, even when you have those days off from work, even when you have two younger kids to look after. This denies my children of ME when I am available for them (particularly during divorce, when they need me the most) and denies the children of EACH OTHER. I am infuriated yet also feeling defeated. It just does not matter how hard I try. I can’t get through. Just looking at facts and the implications of such decisions and using PLAIN COMMON SENSE does not seem to work. I am drained. Simply drained. Shouldn’t these kids be allowed to be with their mother and their siblings during these TWO days? How does daycare trump this time with me and their siblings? I just don’t understand. And I can’t talk to co-parent about it. He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see the implications.

Anyway, today was a great day. All of us strollered/rode bikes with Big Bro to school. I then spent the rest of the day at the new house putting more things together. I worked on the second bunk bed which is going much, much faster than the first since I know how to put the pieces so there is less dismantling and re-starting. The Twins slept like champs. I took a client conference call to wrap up our project (YEAH) and also to t-up more work. I have a proposal to write so I’ll need to have that ready for Tuesday / Wednesday. I pulled some weeds. We looked at chickens. We saw chickens strutting by our back door. We then saw a big pile of chicken poop at the front door and started laughing at it. I said “now that’s ridiculous” and the Twins were repeating me. Things are coming together. It’s feeling so comfortable there. I love how I have an office. It has a great view to the back yard.

I think we are going to be so happy here.

There is more to write… …so much more. This is really a roller-coaster part of my life. When I feel like things can’t get much worse, it does. Sometimes I feel like no matter where I turn I’m getting punched, and punched hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m kicking so hard trying to stay above water but no matter how hard I try I’m still gulping down water and fighting for breath. And the people who should be protecting me are failing me. And people who were my friends are keeping their distance. And I have no where else to turn. And nothing is my choice. I am shoved through a system where there is one way of doing things and no one listens.

But then, briefly, a ray of light. The strawberry plants are growing. The chickens are friendly. The weeds are not that difficult to pull and are coming out of the earth by with their roots. I do have friends reaching out to me and who are worried about not hearing from me. And that matters [thank you!]. I just need to take a deep breath and regain some strength and confidence. And no matter what anyone says, or what anyone dictates, I still have four beautiful children and they all call me “mommy”. I am still their mom and will still try my best to do what is right for them. And no third party will ever be able to change that.

Have a great long weekend everybody
– Mama K