May 4: Bawling with balloons


Today was a day that I should have been elated. My loan FINALLY was “cleared to close” and I was given the green light to put my downpayment in escrow; docs to sign early next week and closing on Wednesday! So now, I am so much closer to becoming a homeowner and providing for my family.

And the kids were ridiculously cute, as usual. Twin Husky and Big Bro stealing icing from the cupcakes, Twin Crazy with her boots, and Red. The almost-birthday-girl. She had a cute Cinqo de Mayo party at her school – we brought in cupcakes and she wore a little crown and her class sang to her. I was there to help her celebrate and her sly little smile was so cute my heart just melted.

20120504-224903.jpg

20120504-224631.jpg

20120504-224658.jpg

20120504-224719.jpg

20120504-224739.jpg

20120504-224804.jpg

But my heart was very, very heavy. Despite the small rays of good that are happening in my life right now.

Financial mediation in a divorce is not pleasant. I didn’t expect it to be pleasant. But I didn’t expect to be sucker-punched today. And I was, big time. I had no idea what was coming. Absolutely none. The ironic part about all of this is that I had/ have had tremendous anxiety WHILE married about our quality of life out here in California and how we weren’t making it even though we owned property…. and then came divorce… and then whatever safety net I THOUGHT I had was ripped away from me today. How can this happen? How can this happen me? I’m a mother to his FOUR children! I suffered a breakdown from working too hard to support OUR family! I’m trying and fighting to create an environment where our kids can have the BEST opportunities that they DESERVE!!! I just don’t understand. I don’t know how this is possible.

So I was bawling for most of the day. So much that the corners of my eyes are red and burning. So much that I was not elated when I was at the Title company handing over my check for a downpayment for a new home for my family. So much that my eyes were burning while I was smiling with my daughter at her birthday celebration. So much that I was crying again tonight while at the grocery store buying balloons for the birthday party for Big Bro and Red tomorrow. And now still crying as I finish this up. And the corners of my eyes are cracked and raw and painful.

How did this happen to me? How did I get here? When will it get better?
How could he do this to me?

Advertisements

Comments

  1. Stacie says:

    Big hugs Kim. I’m all too familiar with the “smile though your heart is breaking” and it sucks. Again, hugs to you….

  2. marsha8487 says:

    Kim, any guy can be a spouse and a father. Only someone with BALLS can be a husband and a D-A-D. Clearly, the most important thing to him, from the beginning, has been money. Anybody that would put his “stuff” before his family – which is exactly what he has done – is to be pitied. Unfortunately for you, it’s you & the children that have to suffer a fool. When you are on “the other side” of this, you will have the respect of your children and your family.. and most importantly yourself, and HE.. will.. still.. have.. his.. stuff. Wow. What a lucky guy. I am mad right now and I won’t even begin to tell you how angry your dad is. And I can only imagine how your mom feels. If bg is not feeling ashamed of what he has done, then what kind of person is he, anyway? I am so glad you are almost rid of him. There’s a saying that I know you know: “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” It’s true and you probably know that it’s true. I believe the dawn is right around the corner.. in Walnut Creek. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: