March 1: Beginning to let go

It was a memorable day. It was a day of milestones. It’s a day like this when I’m glad I’m keeping this blog. A record of the children and who they are and how they’re changing and who they are becoming. I was home from work today. It’s 10:30 PM right now so this will be brief but heartfelt.

Highlights of the First Half of the Day:

  • The kids were playing with each other during breakfast. Big Bro and Twin Husky were playing ball.
  • Red and Twin Crazy decided to wear matching shirts. Red wore a pink bunny shirt, and Twin Crazy wore an identical shirt, but in gray. I was calling them “the twins”.
  • I dropped all kids off since it was my home day with them. My day to be a mom. It was raining so Big Bro rode with us in the van and did not go with the Motley Crew. I think he gets embarrassed of the entire clan of kids so for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER, I pulled into the circular driveway at school and DROPPED HIM OFF BY HIMSELF. Oh my goodness I asked him what he wanted to do and let him know that he had a choice. And he choose independence. He looked back a couple of times but I was so proud of him. And it hurt inside when I couldn’t see his blue fleece hood any longer when he turned a corner. I slowly drove away.
  • We dropped off Red next. I wanted to take a picture of the girls in their bunny shirts. They were so cute. Twin Husky was acting so silly and acting like a surfer for some reason. My laugh was bellowing through the school. In fact, some teachers came outside to see the commotion since I was laughing so loud. I love how his personality is busting through and how goofy he is becoming. He makes me smile so much.
  • Inside her classroom, Red gave Twin Husky and Twin Crazy hugs goodbye.
  • I decided to take Twin Crazy and Twin Husky out for breakfast for some bagels. They had fun looking out the window and squealing at dogs, and we talked about trucks and umbrellas and commented on other kids’ rainboots. Twin Husky was wearing a pair that were way too big for him but for some reason he loved them while also putting his hands in his pockets.
  • The day kindof went by…. Twin Husky was cleaning. They both got into Red’s kid nail polish. at 12:45 we picked up Big Bro and headed home for lunch and naps for the Twins. Me and Big Bro hung out and did nothing special or in particular.
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    Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

  • The biggest event was picking up Red after Twin Husky and Twin Crazy woke up from their nap. We quickly gave them a snack and then Big Bro put on his helmet and got on his bike. I drove along side of him, 3 mph, with my hazards on. Our neighborhood is VERY secluded so there was no real traffic, and he had a sidewalk almost the entire way there, but there was one part of the journey where we were separated by a field. He was so thrilled to be riding on his own with us trailing him. I saw the joy in his face. I could almost feel the excitement in his body. I could almost feel his hands gripping the handlebars. And feel the wind on his face. And feel the sense of independence but also of security when looking over to see us in the van along side of him. He did
    great. We parked his bike and he did the same thing back at home. I said we should do this more often and I have a feeling we will. It was amazing. He is my boy.
  • Dinner was great; I had a steak going in the crockpot. The kids set the table by themselves. I heard them working together to get it done. They ate well. Big Bro ate like a champ. I taught them how it is good to eat meat after working your body and how the protein is good to help your sore muscles. So Big Bro ate a bit more.
  • We ended the night with chocolate milk.
  • It was my night with Big Bro and Red. Both are very clingy. Big Bro needed to sit in my lap. He was convinced that he did not have enough “Mommy time” today even though he had been
    with me since 1 PM and much of that was alone. I feel so bad for these kids. They are suffering already. I sat with them – scratched his back – held her hand, until they were both breathing deeply and lost to sleep.
  • And now as I’m going through my pictures for this post, I see that Big Bro had my iPhone when I wasn’t looking and decided to be a photographer himself and capture pictures of his treasured toys. So cute.
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    I am tired; it is late. I don’t want these days to end. I don’t want it to get worse for them. There are so many glimpses of pure magic during the day with these kids. The boots. The smiles. The goofiness. The hugs. The wanting to help. The look of accomplishment. The drive to do things by themselves. I never want it to end.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K


    1. Jeanette says:

      Letting go is so hard-I have a hard time with this quite frequently and my daughter is eight. I remember the first day of nursery school. She was so excited. After she went in with her teacher I cried my eyes out in the car. When she started Kindergarten, she started taking the school bus! The first day i actually made my husband follow the bus to school so I could make sure she got into school OK(she did!). I cry (after she gets on the bus) every 1st day of school and my husband always asks why I’m crying. I say she’s growing up and one day she won’t need me. My husband reminds me that this is what’s supposed to happen-kids grow and become independant and isn’t this what we want? And of course they will still “need” us, but in a different way. So it is a credit to you that your son was able to walk into school on his own, and ride his bike solo- it means he is growing up and becoming his own person and has the confidence to venture out on his own a bit.
      Great pics, BTW.
      And thanks for using my recipe- I have a few more I’ll be sending soon.

      • Yes send those recipes! He is doing more and more now… we are taking different routes back and he is “sending me ahead” sooner in the trip. I love it. I put myself in his shoes and think about what it must feel like for him to be venturing out with these new learned skills. And to think I have three more to follow in their own way. I know that I am very lucky even though so many times its so hard.

    2. Hey Amazing Mama, I LOVE the pic of Big Bro on bike with the palm trees. Awesome. Each day brings something new – you are so good at observing and documenting the beauty of the special moments. Yes, there will be tough times for the kids and you too, but remember there will also be joys even in the midst of it. You are doing such a great job helping the kids express their feelings and not try to numb or ignore them. In doing so you invite them to experience joy just as intensely as they do pain, and I know you pay attention and see these moments of joy. Trust that more of these will come too.

      • Thank you Julie! You are an amazing writer, by the way. You are very inspiring. You always make me feel good when I feel like shit. Thank you!!! It is getting easier for me. Things that I could not accept before (e.g., waking up to a quiet house) I am getting now. The thought of it is getting easier for me to grasp. I can see how it can be OK with them not having me around all of the time. And I can see how it is good for me to be OK with not having them with me all of the time. Because the reality is that they will NOT be with us all of the time. They ALL will grow and ALL will evolve into their own people. They are not extensions of ourselves or our property… they are individuals and meant to be separate, independent, adn strong. This is such a hard and long process but I’m getting there. It will get harder once the kids know and once the house splits – but hopefully by then my head and heart will be a bit stronger and more prepared for it. Thanks again for the kind words. It really means a lot.

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