January 20: Christmas again


I had the day off with my mom, brother , and kids. It is late now and we finished up setting gifts near a decorative Santa for tomorrow am. We are celebrating christmas with them tomorrow morning and the kids agreed to pretend that santa is arriving tonight – so we will wake up to presents tomorrow It should be fun.

Today? Had a blast with the kids. My mom and brother are surprised at how well the four of them can play together. They have their moments of fighting but then the next minute they are caring for each other.

  • we saw a rabbit
  • kids ran around the house
  • each kid opened up one gift and then they did so great all playing with each others gifts. It is so sweet to see them all together
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    I’m going to call it a night. I am physically and mentally drained. Have a great weekend everyone!!!

    – Mama K

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    January 19: FUN


    Today was a great day at home with the kids, my mom, and my brother. It is Thursday and my day off from work; they are here for a belated Christmas, something that has been planned for quite some time. It is late now so I will be brief –

    Highlights of the Day:

  • Woke up and got kids breakfast. I had alone time with Big Bro to take him to school. He was not thrilled that everyone else was staying home, but he liked his mommy-time and he knew I was going to pick him up early.
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  • At home with my mom, Red, and Twin Crazy and Twin Husky, it was playtime. The kids love their Nana and there was lots of catching up to do. We read books, played with toys, giggled/tickled, talked and used lots of words…. A big highlight was watercoloring. Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were particularly enthralled by this since they are not exposed to these kinds of activities at daycare. They did great. Twin Husky was very busy, and very meticulous. Twin Crazy liked the water aspect of water-coloring.
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  • We got dressed. Twin Crazy tried to dress herself with all of these shirts all over her legs. So cute. We went to pick up my brother at the airport and all kids were so good and patient, anxiously waiting for his arrival. He makes them laugh.
  • We headed to pick up Big Bro from Kindergarten and he was thrilled to be going with me; I usually pick him up at aftercare so today was a special day.
  • We went out to lunch. The kids were adorable and ate well. Big Bro already had his lunch at school so we got him a chocolate milkshake. He shared it with the rest of the kids after they finished their lunches. The smaller kids got into the jelly packets and some exploded. So I had a parade of kids going into the bathroom to wash hands. We get looks wherever we go.
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  • Naps, legos, dinner, playing, running, laughing, tickling, kissing, repeating words, …. …. …. we had a great night!!!!
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    Looking forward to tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    January 18: A power day


    I HAD A GREAT DAY!!!!!
    I was solo this morning with the kids and I was excited about it. I had as much ready the night before as I could…. the extra clothes packed for Twin Crazy and Twin Husky, the jackets ready by the door, the shoes ready by the door, the lunch-bags out, the clothes piles ready, the coffee machine programmed….

    So I woke up, got a shower, threw on some clothes, and started the day with the kids. It was so smooth and everything went great; Red had an issue with her socks again, but that was expected.

    Highlights of My Morning and Commute:

  • Me changing diapers in the Twins’ room where it is sooooo much warmer compared to downstairs…. Twin Crazy mentioned “potty” so we ran in there and low and behold, there was a nickle’s worth of pee-pee in the potty. She obviously went in her diaper when she woke up, but I couldn’t get over that little bit of pee-pee in there!!!!!!!!!!! We were so happy.
  • Kids at the breakfast bar eating oatmeal, cereal, bagels, apples, blueberries
  • I turn around to see Twin Crazy unchanged out of her pajamas and putting on a pair of pants! Big Bro helped her with her socks. She picked out a shirt – one of Red’s shirts.
  • Red helped me pack up the car
  • I dropped off Twin Crazy and Twin Husky first; then Red and I dropped of Big Bro. I picked her up so she could see Big Bro going into his classroom.
  • Red had problems with her socks again in her school lobby. I tried to be patient.
  • I dropped off Red and had so much fun with her friends. I wanted to take a picture of her and her friends and then they wanted to see the picture so I reversed the image and I was also in the picture. The kids had a blast and all of them were hanging on to me and laughing. It was hard to leave… but I was working from home today and had a conference call to get to….

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    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I grabbed coffee, and ate a Trader Joe’s frozen breakfast.
  • Conference call at 9 AM to do initiative planning for a meeting in April. We are getting closer. I secured two meetings with what could be key sponsors to the intiative. We have our first meeting on Monday and will need better materials to review with them. I asked our partner to put some thought into showing some case studies and also the benefit of bringing this industry collaboration group together in the first place. We have to sell the concept and that means there must be something “in it” for everybody involved.
  • I quickly got ready for my face to face meeting. Hair, make up, suit.
  • I had another conference call for a debrief on one of our forums. It was a good call.
  • I quickly hit the road for a face to face proposal meeting. Me and the Director met beforehand to go over our approach to the meeting. I lead a lot of it and felt good about our positioning. It was a great meeting; we did well selling ourselves and establishing a good connection with each of the clients. We have to make some refinements to the proposal which I will try to do before Monday.
  • On the way home, I rolled down the windows and blasted music. I felt great.
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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I met my mom at my house. She is here through the weekend for a belated Christmas celebration; and my brother arrives tomorrow. She loves my new room. I found her napping in my bed….
  • We went to pick up the kids. Red came running so fast to me that I pretended to fall over. We then made a big deal about the Legos at Big Bro’s aftercare program. Pick up for the Twins was cute since our daycare provider was taking them for a walk – they both came running over to us.
  • My mom played with the kids (Legos) as I cooked dinner. Twin Husky was cooking some dinner of his own.
  • After dinner we ran around a bit, did some acrobatic flips, made a game up about cleaning up our toys, and also did tattoos.
  • Red and Big Bro helped Twin Crazy and Twin Husky get changed for sleep. They helped with the new diapers and getting their pajamas on. I think even Twin Crazy helped with Twin Husky’s change. It is so cute how they all get along and help each other out. I love it.
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    It was a VERY relaxing afternoon after a power morning — with meetings and clients. I feel on top of the world. I had a great day at work – made a lot of progress and had a great face-to-face meeting – looking very professional and taking ownership of the meeting while positioning our firm favorably compared to other consultancies – to win, you have to know and believe in why you are different from the rest. I have this story down, and I believe it, having worked at other consultancies earlier in my career.

    So now my mom is here, my kids are sleeping, and I am happy. My brother will arrive tomorrow. I’m keeping the kids home except for Big Bro. He is upset about that but I promised him a scooter ride to school, with only me. No-one else. And that seemed to satisfy him.

    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K

    January 17: They’re back at home!!!


    Last night when I got home all kids were actually up. So I had the chance to hug them, hold them, read to them, talk to them, and watch them as they endlessly showed me all of the great toys they received over the weekend. There were a lot of “Mommy look at this…”. It was so cute. I had to hold each child for a while.

  • Twin Husky had a hard time going to sleep which is VERY unusual. So I sat with him in the dark and told him that he came back to me and that it was OK. We sat in silence and then he was OK to go to bed.
  • Twin Crazy needed help with her nose – which means I had to put Aquafore on her chapped nose to make it feel better. She seemed satisfied with that.
  • I had to hold Red and read her The Tale of Peter Rabbit.
  • I had to sit with Tyler and listen as he told me all about his new legos.
  • Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    I took no pictures this morning. I just wanted to soak in the moment with the kids. It was great to see them sitting in their breakfast stools this morning. It was chocolate Tuesday so all kids were excited.

  • Twin Crazy let me pull her hair back so she could better eat. She kept spilling her oatmeal and would tell me about it so I cleaned it up and pushed in her seat. There. All better.
  • Twin Husky wanted “more chocolate” in his deep, husky voice. He spent the rest of the morning strolling around his tigers, and also walking around with Big Bro’s yo-yo.
  • Red was doing really well. We only had one issue with one sock this morning. I think I’m going to try to find seamless socks for her. I think that will help.
  • Big Bro was great. He was very cooperative. Except that he was missing his backpack. I told him that going forward ALL of our things for the next day NEED to be put in their right spot so we can find everything. Shoes, jackets, backpacks. I really try to stick to this routine but it doesn’t work when we all don’t do things consistently. Going forward we will.
  • I dropped off Twins and Big Bro – I barely made it to the ferry. I had literally one minute to spare.
  • Now I’m on the ferry and it is cold. I have a large coffee with me. I am hungry and have no make-up on (back to the normal routine!!). I will need to work on the presentation for our proposal meeting tomorrow, and will also need to start to prepare for two planning meetings for our forums in April. I also need to start the outreach to potential guests to get them to attend. And I have a lot on my mind on personal matters. Somehow I need to get to some of that today too. It will be busy for me. I’m going to buy myself a breakfast sandwhich on the way into work.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I grabbed a big breakfast sandwich on my way to work. I didn’t bother to put on make-up or doing anything with myself. I felt like hunkering down in my office and getting shit done.
  • I organized discussion materials for our proposal meeting tomorrow. We will present our project objectives and approach to our potential client. It will be me and one Director going. I get to wear a suit!
  • I got my schedule mixed up and wound up missing a meeting that I lead. It is a standing sales meeting related to a forum we are launching and I moved it up so someone in the U.K. could attend. Well, I missed it. Shit. So I sent out the materials late, and we will [try to] meet again in two weeks time.
  • I had a feedback session from one of our meetings in October. I hear the same things from each of these meetings, yet always something a bit different… interesting.
  • I organized the notes from one of the meetings back in October. We collectively decided that we would not send out minutes to ANY of the forums since we were all so late. It would look ridiculous to send them out now. But we do need them for our files, and to help us prepare for the next sets of meetings in April. So, I got one finished off, and I have one more to left to do.
  • I spent time working on personal things as well. A lot of writing. Thankfully for this blog, I think I’ve gotten much faster at putting my thoughts to paper. It didn’t take me long to clean up what I had written over the weekend.
  • Dinner and Bedtime:

    I talked with a neighbor on the way back on the ferry. I am in good spirits. I will be on my own tonight with the kids since hubby will not be there and since our Mother’s Helper cancelled on us. So, I was actually looking forward to being there with the kids, solo.

  • I picked up Red and she was excited to show me her sparkly hairbands. She let me wear one.
  • I ordered a pizza on the ride over to Big Bro.
  • We picked up Big Bro and then he started a crying/whining episode about Lego pieces. Unbelievable. Why is this kid always so hard to handle at these times of day? I think we need to pack more food in his lunch or something. I’ll do that as a test tomorrow to see if it makes a difference.
  • Twin pickup was so cute. They were inside, playing with blocks. Twin Husky made a road with his blocks and was driving a car down the line of blocks. Twin Crazy built a very intricate wall with her blocks (apparently with the daycare provider) and was very proud of it. Then Twin Husky came over and knocked it down. Twin Crazy pursed her lips and held back a laugh. They were way too cute.
  • At home, we organized our shoes and jackets. They are all in one place so we know where everything is tomorrow.
  • Pizza came right away! All kids ate well – particularly Big Bro.
  • I couldn’t believe it, but it was only 6:20 PM when we finished dinner!!!! We had lots of playtime. I also couldn’t help but get some cleaning up done. The place was a disaster. I also did some laundry, but then spent the rest of the time playing with the kids.
  • Big Bro was playing Legos.
  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were playing with milk and blowing bubbles through a straw. They both wound up drenched in milk. I tried to reprimand them but they were too cute that I needed to take a picture.
  • Red was helping me clean up. She was also busy with her Princess stickers.
  • I spent time tickling Red, Twin Crazy, and Twin Husky.
  • Twin bedtime was fast; they both need vaseline on their noses now before bed. I guess it makes them feel better.
  • Bedtime with Red and Big Bro was really cute. We read 1/2 books since we were tired. We researched Lego directions on my iPad since Big Bro does not know how to put one of his hand-me-down Lego trucks back together. There was lots of potty time. Me: “OK go back to bed now Miss Poopy.”….. Red: “OK I’ll go to bed now Miss Cleans My Poopy Butt.”
  • I asked them if I told them yet how much I missed them over the weekend. Of course they said “No.”. So I squeezed both of them as hard as I could and said “This much!!!” I then started to blow them kisses, they wiped them off, and I said that they just rubbed them in further in their skin. Red told me that I’m funny. I wanted to scoop her up just then and never put her back down.
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    After they got to bed, I cleaned up a sink-full of dirty dishes, took out the compost, cleaned up more crap, folded clothes, got stacks of clothes ready for the Twins, got clothes out for Red, for Big Bro, organized a pile of jackets, and organized a pile of shoes. I will be solo tomorrow and I want to do as much as I can tonight to make it easier on all of us. I also pre-programmed the coffee machine for tomorrow AM.

    It’s late – but I had a GREAT time with the kids. We had so much play time. And while I was busy bustling about and talking to them, I was also getting things done around the house. They were all either busy with themselves, or with each other. There was activity in all directions, but there were no fights, no tantrums, and no drama!!!! I loved it. It was actually very relaxing.

    So I’m sitting here in my bed with my bedwarmer on and feeling really good about the day. I had a busy day at work and a busy day at home. And good conversation in-between.

    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K

    January 16: Happy Birthday Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


    Monday. A day off for the kids. So I woke up to an empty house, again. I woke up later than usual since it was just me that I had to get ready. And I get ready quickly.

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    I do miss them. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my “break” over the weekend. But I miss Red’s smile the first thing in the morning, I miss Twin Crazy and Twin Husky and how they communicate with each other and try to use their words non-stop (spoon, bagel, thank you, thanks, water, please, SOOOOOO CUTTTTE). I miss Big Bro and his questions about how things work. I miss his sensitivity. I miss their smiles and even whines for “mommy time”. I sure they are doing OK and managing just fine without me. But it really helps to know that they are coming back to me. And that I am their mother above everyone else in the world.

    The ferry is also relatively empty today. Martin Luther King day. A modern-day hero. A man who would not accept status-quo. A man that wanted to drive change for the betterment of all people. A man that was met with opposition. But he was fiercely determined and believed in the depths of his soul in what he was doing.

    I will not kid myself to even directly compare myself to this great man. But I can relate to him. As we all can in some way. Today we celebrate his life. And this year, I will celebrate with a much different perspective – for I see a bit clearer and I feel a bit more of what he was trying to do. Certainly not on his scale, but in my own world it felt quite big.

    So now I’m on the ferry to work. I will be busy today. I have planning to do for the next big meetings in April, I have billing to follow up on, and I have a presentation to prepare for this Wednesday for a proposal of work to a client. Presentations do not frighten me the way they did earlier in my career. If I know what I’m talking about, and I believe whole-heartedly in what I’m saying, I can be a very powerful speaker – and listener – and communicator.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I sent out some bills
  • I arranged two meetings related to a new initiative we will try to launch – a game changer!!!
  • I reviewed a PowerPoint discussion document of our proposal for a client meeting we will have on Wednesday.
  • I spent too much time sorting through personal items. I will have work to do tonight.
  • So now I’m sitting outside of my appointment office building. The office is closed. It is cold and I am early. My kids are likely at home now. I have not seen them since Friday morning. And when I get back it will likely be Red and Big Bro only awake. I hope they had fun. I hope they heard only good stories and nothing to make them scared. I need to be there for them.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    Staying Sane: Take a break, feel strong, and revel in the NOW


    I had a weekend alone. No kids. Hubby took them to his home town for the long weekend and it did not make sense for me to go, and I would not have wanted to go anyway.

    This gave me an opportunity to go through an entire weekend ALONE. This is the first time I’ve had time like this to myself in probably in 8+ years – pre-kids, pre-marriage, pre-dating. It was nice. It was quiet. But overall, I feel at peace. Right now I have MY music playing on an iPod, and I’m in MY room, with my heating blanket on – so very comfy and warm. Yes, I miss my children. But I know they are in good hands and enjoying themselves. So no worries there. But I do miss the interaction, talking with them, hugging them, and having them make me laugh. But strangely, I do not feel alone. I think its because I know they are coming back to me. This separation with my children is not forever. It is a break. And I could use a break right now.

    So what did I do this weekend?

    • I went to a cirque-de-soliel show about Michael Jackson (thanks Karin!!) and sat in complete wonder about his amazing talent. I was more enthralled by the music and the editing / streaming of his songs than the show itself. I miss him. I miss his antics. I miss his personality. I’m saddened that someone who was larger than life is no longer with us.
    • On the same night, me and Karin went to a favorite diner at 12 midnight. I got home at 1 AM and crawled into a warm, cozy bed.
    • I woke up late on Saturday morning….

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    • and then met a friend (thanks Julie!!) for a massage…..

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    • and then had flower tea….

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    • and then played with her children and had dinner at their house. I’ve known Julie’s husband since I was 11 years old. It feels good to get back to my roots. To talk and feel understood, completely understood. No uphill battles. No negotiation for position. It was just an enjoyable night with children’s laughs and easy conversation. I missed my kids and their daughter reminded me too much of Twin Crazy. So that part was hard, but I’m looking forward to spending more time with them and their family. Being around like-people make it easier for me to heal and find the anger to move forward. I got home with enough time to get some personal things done.
    • Sunday morning I again woke up late….

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    • I quickly got up and got out of the house. Big coffee, big bagel and cream cheese. And I worked all day at Starbucks. I feel good. I feel strong. And angry.
    • I called it a day and then bought some eyeglasses. I have not replaced my pair of glasses in over 2 years – so I am long overdue for a pair. It will be good to see things clearly again. Lifting the fuzziness – seeing into the distance and knowing where I am going. I’m aching for clarity.

    So now I sit – I thought the kids were coming home today but it was a misunderstanding. It is about that time that I go to sleep. Tomorrow morning will be a deathly-quiet morning.

    I am not in mourning. That happened during 2011. I no longer ache for what could have been. That is over now. All of those possibilities and dreams that I thought were in reach are completely off of the table now. I cannot influence any of that anymore, and that is OK. I will not look into the past and feel depleted any longer. I will look into the future and feel strong. Yes, I am scared for the unknown and for the decisions that others will place upon my life. But I will fight for what I believe is best for my family, as always. And I will focus on my children’s feelings and their experience of loss – which will be extremely difficult but I will be there for them.

    I’ve had my rest, I’ve had my time to myself. And it was wonderful. And I am thankful for my friends who have reached out to me from all over the place. And even friends that I did not expect to hear from — telling me that they understand me. It means so much after being through so long of a period where I felt like I was not being listened to and not understood at all.

    So, enough of that and let’s appreciate the NOW and keep optimistic and strong for the future.

    Thanks for listening –
    – Mama K

    January 13: The house is too quiet….


    Hello all – (a bit late)

    Today was a strange day for me and I’m also writing this at 1 AM – so, I will be brief. I essentially had about 1 hour with my kids today, and they are gone for the entire weekend. I will not see them until Monday night – and on that night, I will see them late, after my Monday appointment. So it will be a long time until we are re-united again. I miss them already.

    Morning:

  • Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were down first eating oatmeal. Somehow we got to talking about pretending to be taking a nap and that’s when all the cuteness started. I think it was Twin Husky who was pretending to be asleep on the bar stool and then Twin Crazy started to pat his back. Then they switched. I was making such a fuss about the cuteness that Twin Crazy continued to pat Twin Husky as they were both sitting up. I made a big deal about how they love each other and that yes of course Twin Crazy loves Twin Husky and Twin Husky loves Twin Crazy and that they are brother and sister. She just kept on patting him. It was so cute.
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  • I dropped off Big Bro and we had a problem since we forgot his new backpack.
  • I dropped off Red and she had ANOTHER problem getting ready this morning – I carried her into school with no socks and shoes. So we put them on in the lobby and she was fine – all smiles. She reminded me to push in my chair as I walked away – I thought that was the cutest thing.
  • I spent the rest of the day in appointments and then this evening with a friend. I came home to an empty house with toys on the floor – like salt in the wounds. I’m hoping I get a chance to sleep late tomorrow – maybe go for a massage with a friend later in the day???!?!

    Have a great weekend everybody – wish me luck and send cyber hugs since I will be solo for a weekend for the first time.

    – Mama K

    January 12: Release


    OK ladies – this post is going to be extremely short because I have a ton of work to do tonight. Personal stuff. Forensic stuff. But I had a good day with the kids too. I will be brief but share lots of pictures….

    Morning:

  • I was going to scooter with Big Bro and have Twin Crazy and Twin Husky in the stroller, but Big Bro was too constipated. The poor kid was suffering. I tried to get him off saying the scooter would help, but he was scared to poop his pants. I knew the kid was suffering. So I called into his school, said he would be late, gave him apple juice, massaged his lower back Gave him privacy and quite time, and told him to take is time. RELEASE!!!!!!!!!! Man – I won’t go any further but good God it was a doosey. He got an “excused late slip” that said “bathroom” as the reason. They said it happens all the time.
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  • I took Twin Crazy and Twin Husky back home to wait for their daycare provider to come back from her appointment. They thought they were going to go for a nap but I said – NO!! It’s PLAYTIME! So the kids went nuts playing with animals, running around, acting silly. They pretended to go “night night” and also had fun being creative with holiday gel stick up squishy things.
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    Afternoon:

  • I headed to the office so I could go to a farewell lunch, and also use the time to forensic work on a personal front. I held a colleague’s new baby and LOVED IT.
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    Evening:

  • I picked up Big Bro but before we went to pick up Red, he wanted to talk to me about something so I sat with him to give him his one-on-one mommy time. I don’t even remember what we talked about but I’m glad that I had the time alone with him, even if it was for just a minute.
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  • I played a lot with the kids tonight. Rough-housed with Red and Big Bro. After dinner the kids played with my new fuzzy rug and we rough-housed some more. They loved it and I did too. We read books about feelings/emotions (Roger Hargreaves) and then we rolled around some more.
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  • I read books to Twin Husky and Twin Crazy; and then read The Tale of Peter Rabbit to Big Bro and Red. Their weight on my body was wonderful. They were so relaxed and ready for bed.
  • I had a great day today; despite using my day off for personal blech kind of stuff. It really is a shame. So much time and money will be wasted. I can’t believe what I’m going to have to go through and really it is such a waste. Money that could have gone to our kids is going to lawyers.

    OK gotta get myself organized.

    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K

    January 11: out and about


    It is a beautiful day outside and I had a good time with the kids this morning. I decided to go into the office today to focus on personal things after my 1/2 day working.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Red, Twin Husky, and Twin Crazy were sitting at the breakfast bar eating their cereal. They were excited to talk about their “Os” (Cheerios), milk, and spoons. I kissed each of their heads. One child wanted more milk, so then the rest did too. So I got a new milk from our garage (we have an extra fridge in there for overflow) and came out and topped them all up with milk. All seemed happy.
  • I went upstairs to check on Big Bro. I was worried about him. Last night he was sick and cranky. And at the end of the night it looked like he had pink-eye. So I put eye-drops in his eye in hopes that it would clear up this morning. When I saw him this morning, HE LOOKED GREAT (except for his nose). I asked if I could look at his eyeball and he laughed at that. It was clear. And he said that it didn’t hurt anymore. YEAH!!!!
  • Big Bro proceeded to show me little cut-outs of pictures of Lego sets that I guess he wants. He numbered the backs of the pictures to show the order in which he wants them. He is VERY meticulous – sometimes so much it worries me. I see a lot of me in him – the need to make lists, the need to have thoughts on paper.
  • Twin Husky needed me so I held him and hugged him while making bagels for the kids. Big Bro normally gets a bagel and recently both Twin Crazy and Twin Husky have been asking for bagels too. They were excited. They both kept saying over and over, “Bagel. Cream cheese.”. Cute.
  • Twin Crazy was busy cleaning up. She was looking around for trash, old tissues (and some new tissues) and other random small things and running back and forth to the trash.
  • Big Bro got changed without a problem. He was exited to use his new lunchbox today (it arrived last night – thanks Amazon!)
  • Red, as usual, had a problem getting changed this morning — despite my washing and drying her FAVORITE butterfly shirt, and despite 12 pairs of her favorite socks arriving last night. I just don’t know why its always such an issue with her. I hugged her first, that seemed to help. (And then Twin Crazy said she wanted a hug so she came over for a mommy-time hug). Eventually I got there with her. Once the rest left and I was alone with her, she was fine. She was my helper, and we were talking and laughing together.
  • My drop-off with Red went great; she was happy to be wearing her favorite butterfly shirt (and one of her friends had a shirt with lots of butterflies so they were talking about that) – and also to show off her new Dora lunchbox. She gave me a huge hug and was clingy to my legs a bit, but then she sat on her teacher’s lap to read a book with her friends and she seemed great – all smiles.
  • So I had a great morning with the kids. I feel like I miss Twin Crazy though a bit. I’m glad I had some time to hug her hard this morning. It’s hard to feel like I’m giving the amount of time that I need for each of these kids. Especially on mornings where I go to the office. It’s usual for me to feel a bit dis-connected to at least one of them but I try to make up for it in the evenings.

    So, now I’m on the ferry, headed to the office. I will need to follow up on some outstanding invoices from our clients. And I also need to start thinking/planning for the upcoming meetings in April. I get excited about thinking forward, and planning ahead, versus the boring clean up for things that have passed. So I think I’ll have fun at work today. I am going to devote some of this day to personal items as well. I’m working 1/2 day today and need to focus some time on some issues in my life right now.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    this will be brief because I left ,y keyboard at work!!!

  • started to organize planning meetings for our spring forums
  • got an analyst to convert our word proposal to PowerPoint for our presentation to our prospective clients next week
  • started to set up another planning meeting for a different initiative
  • spent time on personal stuff during the 1/2 day off.
  • drank fruity V-8 Splash in a plastic champagne cup, for fun.
  • Work was good, but picking up Red and/or Big Bro early would have been better.

    Dinner and bedtime:

  • we went to a school event with all kids at big Bro’s school. We took all kids. There was pizza and an art/craft activity. Kids did well. Twin crazy was acting silly the whole time. I spent a lot of time with her. Big bro was being meticulous with his project and whining. Twin husky was intense with the project. It makes me feel guilty because I’m fairly sure our day care provider does not do this kind of stuff with him. Red was quiet during her project and serious.
  • bedtime. Was quick. I got both twins dressed and read to them. Actually, twin crazy read one of her picture books to me. I need to do more of this with them.
  • Ok I’ll sign off now since this touchpad thing isn’t fun to work with. I had a good day. The kids were great out in public, as usual. I felt like I got a good amount of time with the girls, and felt good about my time with the boys.

    I’ve got my new heating blanket cranked up and also my new fuzzy rug all set up. My new room is almost complete!

    Til tomorrow,
    -Mama K

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    January 10: A new day.


    I was REALLY having a rough time this morning waking up. I went to bed late last night and the past couple of nights have given me spotty sleep. It’s catching up to me now. I had a really sweet morning though with the kids – some really magical moments that still have me thinking that I have the most wonderful kids in the world.

    Highlights of My Morning and Commute:

  • I showered quickly and threw on jeans. It will be a jeans day in the office today (self-proclaimed). Red, Twin Husky, Twin Crazy were already at the counter eating cereal. I gave each my morning kiss on their head, and we talked about the shape of the cereal. Are these triangles? NO. Are these squares? NO. Are these circles? Yes these are circles. Good. Circles. The kids are very funny when they really exaggerate the “NO’s” to this routine – shaking their heads back and forth. Then for some reason Twin Crazy started talking about monkeys – “Oooo oooo aaahhhh ahhhh”. I asked her where the monkeys were? Outside? She pointed to Twin Husky. Is Twin Husky a monkey? NOOOOOOOOOOOO says Twin Husky shaking his head back and forth. So cute.
  • I go up to wake up Big Bro and gather the clothes for the day. Big Bro jumps up from his bed, and then proceeds to jump on the bed, straight up and down. He only did it for 10 seconds or so – I asked him if this is his normal wake up routine and he said Yeah, laughing. I laughed too. It was kindof like he was shaking the sleep out of his little body. And then he was ready for the day. Smiling. Awesome.
  • Big Bro remembered that it was Chocolate Tuesday – so Hubby had a second series of breakfast to get ready. Next I looked all kids were devouring chocolate bagels, chocolate tortillas.
  • Twin Crazy coming into my room to show me her tortilla with her chocolate on it. She scrapes off the chocolate and asks for “more chocolate please”
  • I didn’t have my coffee yet but I was trying to help the kids – it looked like they needed some water with all of the bread they were eating so I offered it to them. One of the plastic cups “jumped” out of my hands and there was flying water all over the place. I asked the kids if they saw that and what was that cup doing flying out of my hands? The kids were laughing. I said it was an accident and I didn’t do it on purpose – that it was no problem because I’ll just clean up the mess. I asked if anyone took a “shower” from my spill as a joke and all of the kids said No, seriously. (cute)
  • Kids still laughing about “Fish Ranch Road” and how we didn’t see any fish on the road from the weekend
  • Red asking if I can take her to school today since I took Big Bro and Twins yesterday. Then Big Bro gets upset since he had to share his ride with the Twins. These kids are aching for more one-on-one Mommy time. And they are doing great about talking about their feelings (I am really focusing on that now with them)
  • Red had a breakdown over her clothes; she wanted to wear her butterfly shirt again (it is now her favorite). I was REALLY trying with her but she was being her red-haired fiesty self. One of my tricks was asking if I could take a picture of the butterfly shirt (knowing that I was going to write about this). But then Big Bro came up with something genious. He surprised me. He suggested that maybe she would take off her butterfly shirt if SHE took the picture (IT WORKED). Fist pumps to Big Bro!! I am still smiling at how empathetic he is, and how well we can act as a team – I continuously talk to them about how we have to help each other out – that is what family means; we all need help from time to time and it is our job as family members to help out when we can. These kids get it.
  • As soon as the rest left and it was just me and Red, her mood lifted considerably. We were talking about my coffee, my keys, jacket…. as I was getting things together she was my cute little side-kick. All smiles. Laughing. It’s amazing how quickly those moods can change. From tears to laughs.
  • On the ride to her pre-school, Red asked about the “clocks” on the front of the car. I talked to her about them – that they are not clocks, but each of the dials do measure certain things. A clock measures the time. These dials measure how fast the car goes, how hard the engine is working, how much gas we have in the tank, and how hot or cold the engine is. I love these simple conversations with the kids. But even better, I love the questions that they ask. They are VERY inquisitive and I encourage that. I say that is a great way to learn – to ask questions. That is how they learn about the world around them.
  • Wow. I wrote a lot. I think its because I didn’t get much time with the kids last night. So I always seem to take more in on these mornings… I think I am more apt to pick up on smaller things that I would otherwise overlook.

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    I am on the ferry now – I will have a busy day. I need to get the proposal off to the client today. I really need to get the conference meeting notes done (from 3 months ago, damn it). I have to follow up with some billing issues. I have loose ends hanging over my shoulder that I need to just bang-out.

    And I have a mountain of preparation to do on a personal front. Forensic kind of stuff. Documentation of assets leading up to the birth and ultimate death of a marriage. I’m not looking forward to this at all. Hopefully we treat each other fairly so we can still be good partners for our children in the future.

    I remember walking off the ferry and walking to work. The sun was shining and it felt wonderful on my face. I held my head high, closed my eyes, and looked up towards the sun while walking. I was taking it in. The air, the sun, the walk, the motion. The breeze through my hair. I am ready for the day, and feel much stronger than yesterday. Could it really be the result of the dose of the children?

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    I’m going to keep this part very brief.

  • I worked on the client proposal and it finally went out!! Yeah!! It would be great to win this for my sales efforts, but the delivery of work scares me. I feel like I have a lot going on and a big client project may complicate things a bit. But I need to win it. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.
  • I had a conversation with a peer about the meeting minutes… He’s not doing them either!!!!!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!!! Everyone has agreed that they are too detailed, no-one asks for them, and no-one ever has questions with them after they receive them. So why bother??? Yeeeehoooooo!!!!
  • And alas, I hate to say it, but I was sidetracked a lot today on personal stuff. I got the ball rolling with requests of information I need to obtain; but it needs to be well thought out and complete. I only get one chance at this. I need to make sure I capture the right information and its complete. I have a meeting with my lawyers this week and I want to be extremely efficient at this next meeting. I want to have everything organized for them so that they don’t waste time and therefore keep their charges reasonable.
  • I almost missed the ferry. I looked down at the clock and it was going to leave in 10 minutes. I have never tried to make the ferry this late before. I freaked. I shut everything down and hauled ass out of the office. On the elevator I took my shoes off, positioned my bag, shoes, and jacket, and then proceeded to RUN full steam ahead to the ferry. I made it just in time! Whew!

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    I’m on the ferry, and the sun is still shining. My heart is pounding from the run. I sit and catch up with a neighbor. I’m thinking of the kids and also dinner. Chicken?

  • Pick up from Red was terrific – she ran into my arms and actually jumped up onto my body – all smiles, huge hugs. I LOVE THIS.
  • We quickly got Big Bro. He looked terrible. He is sniffling all over the place, and his face was all blotchy and red. His poor nose. And his eye was all red and sore from rubbing it. OMG please tell me no it’s not pink-eye. The daycare provider said that he was not himself all day long. 😦
  • Pick ups for Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were fine. Me and Twin Husky were talking about the beautiful sky. [He repeats, “beautiful sky”]
  • I run in and get the kids unpacked, shoes and jackets off, and set Big Bro on the couch to watch some TV. We don’t do this often but he needed it the poor guy. Twin Crazy and Red were interested in watching some with him. Twin Husky was interested in exploring, turning off the lights, and helping me cook. Then Twin Crazy and Red started to help me cook. So cute. They were smelling spices and stirring and Red was fully responsible for the vegetables, putting them in the bowl and closing up the bag. We made Tandoori Chicken tonight, which again was a HUGE hit. Big Bro had three platefuls. I was amazed. Big Bro and Red were fighting over who could sit on my lap. They are both lobbying hard for more one-on-one time with me; and getting more aggressive about it.
  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were using children’s knives for the first time. They were soooooooooooooo excited!!!
  • After dinner we rough-housed and I swung them in circles and we were all falling on the floor laughing. Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were busy playing with the kitchen and “eating” ice-cream.
  • Chocolate milk!!!
  • Pink eye medicine! Ugggh. Poor guy.
  • We opened up a package today and it was the kids’ new lunchboxes. Red was thrilled but Big Bro got upset that he didn’t get his backpack yet. Why can’t he ever be satisfied with what we do with/for him? Ugggh. I know he’s sick but this is ridiculous.
  • Kids went to bed quickly because they were tired and not feeling well. Big Bro found a piece of his work that was thrown out by Hubby in the trash can and he started to flip out. I asked him to talk about it with Hubby when he returned from putting the Twins down. Big Bro asked me to help him. So I did. And Big Bro did great at telling the pieces and I commended him for talking about it with hubby, telling hubby how it made him feel, and then coming up with a solution for the future [Hubby ask Big Bro going forward if its OK to throw away certain items.]

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    I had a great day. I am feeling much more on my feet. I am tired, but I somehow feel like things will be OK for us. The hardest thing that I will have to go through is helping my children navigate through this now and in the future. It will not end. I will need to make sure these kids are getting what they need and that they are getting the healthiest environment possible given the situation. I will fight for them. And right now I feel ready.

    Signing off for now to get some sleep –
    Until tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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