January 30: Am I going Up or Down??!?!?!?


Monday. It was a usual. No major breakdowns which was great.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I woke up early and headed up to the kids. Each got to bed early the night before so they all seemed well rested this AM.
  • I can’t really think of any particular highlights. Things just kindof flowed. The 3 ate, Big Bro was a bit tougher to get started. But the older kids got dressed and were cooperative. Clothes were prepared, bags were packed, jackets were out, shoes were gathered. It just sort of worked.
  • Red helped Twin Crazy get dressed into clothes since Twin Crazy said that her PJs were dirty. We taught her about “tags” and how they go into the back of the clothes. She was patient and she listened to what Red and I were teaching her. I loved that. Twin Crazy listening, Red instructing, and then Red having Twin Crazy do it by herself. It was wonderful. I love the interaction between these sisters (at least at this point in time….). I think they are at a point where they can share shirts. So I think my project over the weekend will be to cull down all shirts that are on the smaller side for Twin Crazy and consolidate all shirts between Twin Crazy and Red.
  • The split for drop offs was tough. Big Bro did not want to go with Daddy. I took Red and she arrived on the early side. Her teacher had painting set up for the kids since there were only a few of them. She had a hard time pulling away from me but I could tell from the look on her face and her eyes that she was looking forward to the painting activity.
  • Now I’m on the ferry. I brought with me my new eyeglasses that are a bit on the trendy side for me so I’ll see how I feel in them. It should be a reasonable day at work, I think. I need to type up the minutes to our planning meetings from last week for the two forums I am leading. I will need to start to reach out to guest speakers (and eventually guests for one of the meetings). I need to think through the realistic possibilities of our other forum we want to launch – I feel like we are tight on timing. Finally, I need to do admin things like performance reviews. They were due last week. I need to get something pulled together on that ASAP. OK. It actually looks like I am going to have a VERY busy day….

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I had fun today. All of the directors are in town for a firm-wide Directors meeting. So I’m seeing people I have not seen in over a year. Other people shake hands. I give hugs. Yes, I give hugs to these people. That’s the way I feel about the company and about the people who work here.
  • I spent the majority of my day on technical isuses – my laptop screen broke off. So they are replacing it. So I needed a loaner computer. So I was not very efficient today.
  • I spent time doing performance reviews. They are a bit late. But at least I did them. I feel good about that. One was a “self review”. I feel good about the breadth of skillset that my new role can offer me – in terms of project management, client relationships, presentations, cultivating new sales opportunities, and being recognized internally as a leader in this function. I feel good about my self review for perhaps the first time in a very long time.
  • I spent some time on some personal things too, unfortunately. I go up and down. Today I was down looking at the financial picture. I honestly cannot afford to live where I live. I knew this. But now I am FEELING it.
  • So now I’m on a train to my appointment. I think I need to put a change in place to save on cost – I just don’t know. People all day were coming up to me and saying “I just don’t know how you are able to manage with the work and the family…. how DO YOU DO IT??!??!”. Don’t they realize that I can’t? I haven’t been able to? I was crushed? My marriage fell apart? We are divorcing??? Yes let me say it for the first time here, we are DIVORCING. And it will soon get WORSE for me in terms of financial and personal struggle???!?!?!? Am I going up or down? How can I do this??

    20120130-173126.jpg

    How did I get myself here? All I wanted was to feel “normal” and to tone down the stress. I needed to scale back. I needed affordability. I needed a husband who understood. I needed to be with my children. And my kids needed me (and still do). Taking more time to care for the kids is still hard work – I knew that – I didn’t care if I was tired, but I needed to spend my time on the RIGHT things. I needed to REBALANCE my life.

    But now I begin again… and yet so many decisions are left to be made and most of them will be thrust on me…. and how can I ever imagine being able to afford living in this part of the country as a single mom with four children???? And still be the mom I want to be???!?!??!?!??!??!?!?!?!?

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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    Comments

    1. Cousin Ray says:

      Wow, Kim.

    2. Kim, wow…i’m just catching up on your posts. (I’m catching up on MINE with this new job. it’s been a few weeks!). Just know that I’m pulling for you — you’ve got another mama out there being about you and what you need to do — for yourself, your family.

    3. This is one of those posts you hate to like. Ones with bad news always are. But interpret the like as love for you, not the news.

      You will because you can. The worry gets in the way. You will focus on your children…just as you always have.

      I hope you are finding some kind of solace in what you are reading at my place. It is not a fix, but it can help you learn where the pieces began to get askew. It is another lesson in what not to do.

      Prayers for you and the children. And if you need to reach out, I am at the other end of the inbox.
      Red.

    4. muchtodoaboutnothing says:

      Kim I’m praying for wisdom for you and strength! I wish this wasnt happening to your darling family.

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