I had a weekend alone. No kids. Hubby took them to his home town for the long weekend and it did not make sense for me to go, and I would not have wanted to go anyway.
This gave me an opportunity to go through an entire weekend ALONE. This is the first time I’ve had time like this to myself in probably in 8+ years – pre-kids, pre-marriage, pre-dating. It was nice. It was quiet. But overall, I feel at peace. Right now I have MY music playing on an iPod, and I’m in MY room, with my heating blanket on – so very comfy and warm. Yes, I miss my children. But I know they are in good hands and enjoying themselves. So no worries there. But I do miss the interaction, talking with them, hugging them, and having them make me laugh. But strangely, I do not feel alone. I think its because I know they are coming back to me. This separation with my children is not forever. It is a break. And I could use a break right now.
So what did I do this weekend?
- I went to a cirque-de-soliel show about Michael Jackson (thanks Karin!!) and sat in complete wonder about his amazing talent. I was more enthralled by the music and the editing / streaming of his songs than the show itself. I miss him. I miss his antics. I miss his personality. I’m saddened that someone who was larger than life is no longer with us.
- On the same night, me and Karin went to a favorite diner at 12 midnight. I got home at 1 AM and crawled into a warm, cozy bed.
- I woke up late on Saturday morning….
- and then met a friend (thanks Julie!!) for a massage…..
- and then had flower tea….
- and then played with her children and had dinner at their house. I’ve known Julie’s husband since I was 11 years old. It feels good to get back to my roots. To talk and feel understood, completely understood. No uphill battles. No negotiation for position. It was just an enjoyable night with children’s laughs and easy conversation. I missed my kids and their daughter reminded me too much of Twin Crazy. So that part was hard, but I’m looking forward to spending more time with them and their family. Being around like-people make it easier for me to heal and find the anger to move forward. I got home with enough time to get some personal things done.
- Sunday morning I again woke up late….
- I quickly got up and got out of the house. Big coffee, big bagel and cream cheese. And I worked all day at Starbucks. I feel good. I feel strong. And angry.
- I called it a day and then bought some eyeglasses. I have not replaced my pair of glasses in over 2 years – so I am long overdue for a pair. It will be good to see things clearly again. Lifting the fuzziness – seeing into the distance and knowing where I am going. I’m aching for clarity.
So now I sit – I thought the kids were coming home today but it was a misunderstanding. It is about that time that I go to sleep. Tomorrow morning will be a deathly-quiet morning.
I am not in mourning. That happened during 2011. I no longer ache for what could have been. That is over now. All of those possibilities and dreams that I thought were in reach are completely off of the table now. I cannot influence any of that anymore, and that is OK. I will not look into the past and feel depleted any longer. I will look into the future and feel strong. Yes, I am scared for the unknown and for the decisions that others will place upon my life. But I will fight for what I believe is best for my family, as always. And I will focus on my children’s feelings and their experience of loss – which will be extremely difficult but I will be there for them.
I’ve had my rest, I’ve had my time to myself. And it was wonderful. And I am thankful for my friends who have reached out to me from all over the place. And even friends that I did not expect to hear from — telling me that they understand me. It means so much after being through so long of a period where I felt like I was not being listened to and not understood at all.
So, enough of that and let’s appreciate the NOW and keep optimistic and strong for the future.
Thanks for listening –
– Mama K
Mama In Motion™ 
aside Kim from all the things I love about you, I really think your an excellent writer. I read where Mary Higgens Clark did not start wrinting until her kids were grown, she had five children and her husband died early on. Your very insightful about your feelings and life. I never have believed that God puts us through hard times, but due to our own free wills and the world we live in these times happen. Its what we due with it, that can help others and have us rise to the top and not let these “things” take us down. Easy NO but i have been surprised at what has risen up in myself through circumstances. One thing I have learned and still am that God is greater than our trials and he makes us strong when we are leaning on Him. Love you…….
Thank you so much for these words! They really mean a lot! To be honest, I am not sure what I believe in terms of God. But I do believe that there is something else out there larger than who were are. I do believe that there are people/beings/spirits looking out for us from above. I believe in that strongly. I do not think that we are alone.
And I do believe that 2011 and the years before that happened for a reason. There must be a reason why I was pushed beyond belief and had a nervous breakdown out of work and home exhaustion. There is a reason why I suffered through most of 2011. There is a reason why I choose to channel my feelings through this medium. I’m getting great feedback from others who tell me that they are able to see their children better because of what I write in my journals – and I am being connected with people from all over the place which is really comforting. We all have our challenges. Life is not rosey all of the time. But I am a realist and I will get through this, I know I will. I need to focus on the children and make sure they can understand as best they can – which will be hard for them, and certainly unfair. Thank you Barbara. It means a lot that I have support from at least some of the Gerhardts. I don’t think the others will fully understand, and I don’t expect them to. It does mean a lot to me that you are there, rooting me on. Thanks so much.
Kim maybe the Gerharts without the “dt” think different. just kidding…what about your sister-in -law??? I would think she would understand. My dad had a nervous breakdown due to business , I was in the 3rd grade, it took him a loooong road back, not an easy fix my mom went through hell and back. Where does commitment come into play with Bill?? or I guesse it doenst.