December 19: Holiday Blues

I am reunited with the kids after a weekend of being away from them. I returned late last night and looked at each child sleeping – kissed them and covered them up and then went to sleep myself.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • This morning, Twin Crazy and Twin Husky came in – Twin Crazy was smiling and she ran over to me and gave me a hug; I said how I missed her and hugged her and how I wanted to see her face. She leaned back so I could see her face and she gave me a HUGE smile. Twin Husky was being coy. Red walked into the room and she smiled and sat in my lap. She showed me her new things that she got over the weekend. So sweet.
  • All kids downstairs were great; ate well. Talked about what they wanted. Got dressed/ready without a problem. It was a breeze….. until….
  • Red’s breakdown as we were leaving. She had a problem with her shoes…. which led to a problem with her jacket….. which led me to forget her lunch….. and we were running late. I dropped off Red and Big Bro at Red’s school (Big Bro’s public school is closed for 2 weeks so we are taking him to “camp” at Red’s school for several days each of the weeks). I had to pay for a hot lunch for Red today. I hope Big Bro packed his lunch in his backpack or else we will have to pay for him as well…..
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    Now on the ferry, it is quiet. I am wearing jeans. I will be busy today and am hoping the office is empty/quiet as well so I can get some work done. I’m looking forward to seeing my dad again at the end of the week. I needed a dose of family and feel lucky that I am getting a double-dose between my trip to celebrate his birthday and his trip out here to spend time with our family for Christmas. We will also need to celebrate his birthday again, since he is a Christmas Eve baby (and a twin, but that’s a separate point).

    Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I led our weekly staff meeting at lunch where we normally talk about workloads and what opportunities we need help proposing on or work we need help to execute – but because we are so close to the holidays, this was really time for us to shoot the shit. We talked about plans for the holidays, skiing, baby milestones, my kids holiday performances, etc.
  • I followed up on some admin-related items and billing for the forums I am managing.
  • I attempted to get the meeting minutes finished, and also my client deliverable finished, but I just did not have the initiative. I’m feeling down. I just couldn’t get myself started.
  • I talked with a Director about some non-work related stuff – things going on with me and things going on with another colleague – not the kinds of things that are uplifting. But it’s good to talk to people and gain others perspective. It also makes you realize that we all have issues that people are dealing with. Some of them quite heavy. It upsets me when I know that someone is hurting but I can’t really reach out to them – if it is inappropriate or they are just not ready to talk or the problem is too recent, too raw for them. So that is what is happening with a colleague. And that brought me down a bit further today.
  • Don’t tell anybody (laugh), but I spent the rest of the day on personal items. I helped a friend (actually, an ex-Boss of mine from the past) who is about to publish a survey and I took the survey and gave him feedback on the structure/content. I made doctor and dentist appointments for the kids. I did some Christmas shopping via for the kids. Can you believe this???? I score a reduced work-week and I had the audacity to use the time today to do non-work related things???!?!? I feel guilty now. A bit. But just knowing that the kids are shopped for makes me feel good. A bit. A tiny bit.
  • I worked on my calendar for the rest of this short week and blocked out time for me to actually do work. I have three deliverables I must finish by Wednesday night. So hopefully tomorrow I will have the fire back and will get my shit done.
  • Now I’m on a train, headed to my weekly appointment. I have a lot to discuss tonight. I have a headache, I am tired from my travel weekend, and I am not feeling like me. For the first time I am feeling the “holiday blues”. I don’t like it. Not at all. Note to my friends: It will be a miracle if you get a holiday card from me this year. And if you get anything, it will be digital and sent through email/facebook/etc. 🙂

    Hopefully 2012 will bring a better set of opportunities and circumstances.

    Tonight when I get back I will miss the Twins’ bedtime routine entirely. This is hard for me since I didn’t see them this weekend. I will steal some time with Big Bro and Red. I will hold them close. I will smell their hair. And then I will retreat. Will then check on them while they are sleeping and then slumber myself.

    I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow!!
    Til tomorrow,
    – Mama K


    1. Hang in there Mama K!

      • Will try! Thanks for the encouragement! Feeling better today. Meetings. Being productive. Much, much better. I think I’ll actually get some work done today and I’ll be there for my kids tonight. Looking forward to that. Thanks again for keeping me in check.

        • My pleasure! Whenever I feel that way, I tell myself that tomorrow is another day and another chance to make things right for that day and that moment. Yesterday I was productive and plowing through work. Today, I am dragging and wishing I could have stayed in bed – although that is never possible anyway! So tomorrow is a new day – new chance.
          Enjoy thier smiles and giggles and everything in between tonight!

    2. Good Morning Mama K
      I also regularly suffer from holiday blues….though my reasons may differ from your own. I have lamented the loss of the Christmas of my youth. I remember sitting by my Christmas tree for hours in the evening before bed, just soaking in the fantasy of the season. I can no longer muster these feelings, but I do so want to create them for my children. And in this season of giving, I can’t seem to shake my bah humbugs. I have 5 children, 5 bus drivers, 27 teachers, 4 coaches, a piano teacher, my close friends, their close friends….oh…and the needy (which I think that I belong in this category). I am tapped out. I want to capture that zeal for giving but the receivers are so numerous and I can no longer find any joy or reward in giving(it becomes so obligatory). So this year, I tried a new approach. I hosted a dinner party. I shook off the feelings of annoyance at decorating my house for Christmas (for only a brief 2 weeks only to have to put all the items away again). I planned an amazing menu, bought a new dress (no burden here), and invited 6 couples to enjoy my home, my company, and yes, my sharing of Christmas. It worked! And here is why. This was Christmas on my terms. There was no home room mom or well meaning parent asking me for my contribution to a gift. No neighbor inviting me to host a family from their church or any sense of obligation on my part. I wholeheartedly chose to create a Christmas experience for myself and others. I know this would be very difficult for you with all the little ones but I would encourage you to find your own Christmas creation. Something you will enjoy doing and sharing and that exists only because you will it to be. Kind of empowering. Selfish? Maybe, but I am a better Christmas participant for it. I am now going to write about your Big Bro Stage fright ( I will write on that thread). I love that story.

      • I love Christmas on your terms. So perfect. I think I may reject the entire Christmas card tradition. Although I do like the thought of having these saved through the years. Do you send them? I think you do – I remember getting some from you.

        I think what I might do is ask the kids who they would like to give to and have them draw pictures for them. We have 3 daycare providers and 1 teacher. In fact I didn’t even think of them before now. Shit. Maybe gift cards and a picture from the kids.


        • We used to always send a Christmas letter and card until I became so cynical. I will sometimes send a New Years card that will put a positive spin on the year ahead, but even this is daunting at times. My husband sent one last year….he wants to keep us connected with people as we are both looking for jobs in the coming year and he believes in the importance of networking. Sorry to have highlighted the gift giving obligations. Don’t succumb to the pressure… I actually baked banana bread loaves last night. Michaels had mini loaf pans in Christmas print for $.50. I bought a ton and baked the night away. Voila….teacher gifts complete!

    3. There is nothing better than reuniting with your children after being away, but those moments are always bittersweet for me because I am simultaneously mentally cataloguing all bedtime routines, smiles, first and even the non firsts I missed.

      Hang in there, and at least you don’t have to add waiting in awful lines to complete holiday shopping to your list. That alone is enough to give you the

      • Holiday blues. Woops 😦

      • THank you for your feedback! Do you know that I am almost finished 100% of Holiday shopping. Everything done to-date was through Amazon. I will do some photobooks for close family. I just remembered about the teachers/daycare providers. I think gift cards and kids own drawings will suffice there.

        I also think I’m going to start back on my vitimin regiment. Maybe if we feel good physically we will feel a bit better emotionally?

        thanks so much for reaching out. I love getting comments from people.

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