October 27: SLEEEEEEEP


This was a bit of a strange day for me. I was moving in slow motion for most of the morning and honestly do not remember much of what happened. Here it goes:

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Big Bro was energetic about his backpack and getting all of his stuff ready for school. He is so cute acting all big and stuff and responsible and excited about his things for school. I love seeing him that way. I wonder how long it will last.
  • Twin Husky had oatmeal all over himself which then required me to give him a proper change of clothes (we usually just send them to daycare in their PJs)
  • Before I knew it, we were late. REALLY late. They all were great in the van and off we went. we were so late that Big Bro was late to his class – he scooted into circle time though without too much trouble.
  • I was working from home today so made it back home, brewed a pot of coffee, ate the kids’ leftover breakfast, and got organized for the day.

Highlights of My Working Day:

I had some conference calls and that essentially freed up alot of my day. I was not feeling well so I slept most of the day away. I decided not to volunteer for Big Bro’s lunch since my being there makes him anxious. I had a follow up conference call to get feedback from one of our last big meetings and also to get ideas for the next one. I arranged my flight for next week.

My job is in flux right now. I was asked today if it would be possible to still have a portion of my time devoted to project delivery. That, seriously, will be the end of me. I simply cannot deliver against project work with four children. I can manage the forum meetings (my new role) and also actively pursue sales of consulting work, but the actual delivery of the work is something I simply cannot do. I’m hoping we can figure out a way for me to be involved in an “advisory” capacity – and I’m hoping my company will be flexible with me. But this was very concerning to me when I had this discussion.

No wonder I essentially slept the day away. The wind has been knocked out of my sails on so many fronts. The only thing I know for certain is that I have four children and that I love them to pieces. Nothing else is certain in my life. This makes me tired just thinking about it….

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I threw a chicken in the oven tonight. Then I went to pick up the kids. I left early, and took my time to leisurely get each kid and soak in their environment. I love seeing them at the end of the day. The smiles, the “mommy!”, the running into my arms. I wish I could bottle this up. I know things will change as they get older. But for now I look forward to each wet kiss and hug around my leg/waist.

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  • Twin Crazy opened up the refrigerator and took out all of the milk cups for the kids at the table. I couldn’t believe it. She can be sooooo helpful.
  • While dinner was cooking I took the kids on a ride on a blanked across our floor. It is magical for me to hear them all laugh in unison – especially when it’s because of something that I am doing with them.
  • All kids ate well; Twin Husky was a crazy man over the string beans. Big Bro, Red, and Twin Crazy went nuts over chicken legs. No, the chicken did not have 3 legs – Twin Crazy picked up Red’s leftover leg and finished it off.
  • We watched a movie tonight. I got the kids grapes. They sat next to me and on my lap while we watched the movie together.

Believe it or not, even after so much sleep I am exhausted. I just don’t want to think about things. I just want to do things with my kids but after that I can’t wait to curl up and go to sleep. I am in a severe funk and feeling very much alone out here. This house does not feel good to come back to.

Hopefully tomorrow will be more energetic! Maybe I’ll take some vitamins! Or better yet, I might just go into the office and get myself out of this sterile house.

Til tomorrow

-Mama k

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Comments

  1. We miss you lots! I hope tomorrow is better for you:) Love, L

    • Thanks for reaching out; it was much better; I went to the office which made a huge difference. It is hard for me out here alone. I need to get stronger and stop hoping that things will change when I know they will not. I’ll need to lean on all of you virtually. Hope to see you soon –

  2. I am sending you a virtual hug. I hate that you are so overwhelmed with cumbersome emotions. Your sleepiness is definitely a bi-product of your emotional state and life circumstances. I realize that you feel like you are sinking in an abyss, but I do think that there is a way out. You need to reach out and employ those finely honed communication skills. In times of emotional strife, we all tend to shut down and shut out events and people around us. In some ways it reserves our energy stores. Ironically, this reflex reaction is the opposite of the needed solution. All people need human contact to exist. In times of stress and anguish, we need even more. We tell our selves that we don’t want to be a burden to others or we fear judgement but this way of thinking is not protective or our selves but rather we are concerning ourselves with what we perceive others will do and need. I would encourage you to gather a team of support around yourself. Reach out via phone, email, and personal meetings if possible with friends and family. You will need a person who makes you laugh, because humor is the remedy for all things heavy. You need a person with an empathic ear because this will allow you to give voice to your feelings. You also will need a friend who in some way can relate to what you are going through because it will give you a sense of empowerment (strength in numbers). I have mentioned before that venting to others is the best free therapy that exists. It really works so at the beginning and end of your exhaustive day….give it a try. HUG

    • THank you Mama SB. You are a godsend. I went to the office the next day largely because of your advice. It worked wonders. There are so many people around me that care and I actually feel like when I connect with them that I do make a difference. Thank you. Things have been extremely hard and I’m not sure what the next year will bring but I have to keep my strength up and laughter in my world has always helped. I need to get my laugh back. I am meeting more people in the neighborhood and am taking a step back from work so hopefully this will help. My father is flying in this weekend and I know that will help. My goal over the next several months is to get stronger. My kids need me to and I need it for myself too. Thanks for taking the time to reach out. I appreciate it.

  3. Sorry the video is upside-down. I’m still getting used to the new iPhone….. 🙂

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