Staying Sane: Are you speaking your child’s “Love Language”???

What is Your Child's Love Language?

What is Your Child's Love Language?

We all know that our kids are unique individuals.   Despite being created from the same set of genetic material, their personalities, despositions, strenghts and quirks are all so unique.   We know this already.   We are the mothers to these unique children — who are really just little people.

Do you ever feel like you are just not connecting with your little one, thus creating friction between you and he/she?   Or do you wonder if you should be interacting differently with your child to make your relationship stronger?

I think one way to help you “stay sane” is to give your child your love in the way he/she naturally desires to receive it.   Let me explain…

For those who are not familiar with the “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, I highly recommend getting this book for the sake of the relationships around you — it boils down to a theory that each individual has one or two distinct “love languages” that are favored over the others.   So for these people, the way they naturally express love aligns with those languages, and the way that FEEL love also aligns with those languages.    The implications to this run even deeper — a person may be VERY loved by another individual, but if “the lover” is not showing their love in the recipient’s primary love language, the recipient may actually not even notice the efforts of the “lover”, but even worse, they may feel totally unloved.  All of the languages are meaningful to you in one way or another, its just that each person has one or two that dominate the rest.   The languages include:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch
I found this to be very enlightening with the relationships around me; I was so intrigued that I wanted to do more research and found the authors website where he has tools where you can answer simple questions to identify your primary love languages — go to this link.   The answers really shouldn’t be a surprise to you.   BUT HERE IS THE AMAZING THING….. you will notice at the above link that there are also assessments for your CHILDREN (one for teenagers, one for smaller children).
I found this to be extraordinary and potentially very powerful.  Big Bro is over 5 so we did the test with him.  His primary love languages were Quality Time and Receiving Gifts (no surprise here, he is five!).   This was VERY useful information for me.   So now I know how best to communicate to him that I love and cherish him.   I can do things that speak his love language.    I’m sure he also adores the hugs and kisses that I give him non-stop (my love language is Physical Touch), but for him, he would rather spend quality time with me.   I’ve even heard him say this.  “Mommy… why aren’t you coming to the dinner table to spend time with us?”.     He also is the child that will flat out ask for more “mommy time”.   He loves for me to simply sit next to him and watch a movie, read a book, do a puzzle, play an interactive computer game, or simply go for a walk.    So now I know how best to spend my precicious time with him.  I know how to satisfy the methods for which he most feels loved.   Not that my hugs and kisses are not important, its just that the time that I choose to spend with him is more important to him to feel the love that I have for him.
I thought that this was a really powerful tool and unique thinking between parent and child.    I encourage you to take the assessments for yourself, have your partner take theirs, and also have each of your kids take theirs.  And let us know what you think!!!!!!!
  • Do the results seem true to your child’s personality?    Were you surprised in any way?   
  • When reflecting back, do you think you’ve put too much emphasis on YOUR love language versus your child’s?   
  • If so, can you try to more directly speak your child’s love language — and after doing this for a week or two, have you found any differences in how they respond and/or connect with you????
I am so curious!!!!  Please comment!!!!
– Mama K


  1. I studied the 5 love languages in college so I am familiar with this sociological concept. At that time I was completely committed to my codependency and I subscribed to the language of physical touch. I tortured my now husband with my complaints for more affection. Fast forward a couple of decades and 5 children and now I speak the language of “Words of Affirmation” This was a second language for me back then but I am a solid “12” score now. Ironically, my daughter at 11 yrs old falls squarely in the physical touch and quality time categories and I struggle to be able to meet her needs. She is my neediest child. She is the only girl and the middle of 5. She will tell you (and me) that she thinks that I am beautiful and she wants to be just like me. She drapes herself over me at all occasions and pleads for one on one girl time constantly. Who wouldn’t love this adoration? ME! It is too much for me. I have 5 children so my ability to give undivided attention to one on a regular basis is impossible And because I grew 5 babies and nursed them and devoted myself to their needs for the last 15 years….I no longer hunger for touch. Quite the opposite….I want my personal space as I always feel a little suffocated. So what do you do when you and your child are so out of sync? I share this excess of information to highlight that the love languages are likely to change throughout our lives. I scored a zero on the test for receiving gifts. This is a huge change from my youth as I loved special gifts years ago. My husband is not a gift giver. He is very loving but gift giving is not a priority for him and therefore has become a non priority for me. (that is why I became such an exceptional shopper….self giving should be on the test). Anyway, I continue to challenge myself to give my daughter weekly mom/daughter lunches. I also try not to pull away too quickly from her very loving bi-hourly embraces and kisses. No doubt I am contributing to her changing love languages.

    • Thank you for this insight! You are so in-tune with your family and totally “together” overall; I love your comments and your insights. The community (me mostly) can learn a great deal from you. Thanks for pointing out that these languages/needs change over time – and also your recognition that yours may not be aligned with your child’s which is good to recognize so that you can give her your extra efforts. I’ll have to re-take the test after the kids get bigger – will be interesting for me to see how I and the kids evolve. Thanks again so much for your insights; I’m so glad you take the time to respond.


  1. […] the movie with him. He needs to be doing something with me — I am the same way (refer to Languages of Love […]

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