August 31: Away from my children

I am on the east coast on a work trip, so this daily journal will be brief. At a high level, I think some separation is good when it comes to my work trips – it almost is win/win for me and hubby since I get a break, he gets to be in the driver seat, and the kids get to experience him as a full fledged provider and I get the sweet reunions with my little ones. I think the travel poses a problem if it becomes unpredictable, too long of a duration, too frequent, or if the trip carries along with it slot of stress. I can happily say that this trip is a good one. I am also fortunate to catch up with some friends while I’m here.

My morning consisted of room service and a long hot shower. I got ready quickly and my walk to the office was across the street. Not too bad.

I spent all day working with a colleague to transition her responsibilities. I do not think the job will be difficult. I could make more of it if I want to. I could probably also twist it into more of a sales role, and also work from home. But deep down inside I know that these are just “tweaks” to my situation – not the major change that I envisioned or was driving towards. It is unclear if I could do these new duties on a reduced workload basis -say at 50% or 60%. So I don’t know what to do. I will need to probe on this topic with my colleague tomorrow. I want/need more time with my children.

I met friends at their house and I fell in love with the work they did with their yard. Their house is wonderful. Their neighborhood is awesome – they are right down the street in walking distance to the town square with tons of restaurants and bars. We walked to dinner. I loved the feel of the air. The sound of the crickets. The tree lined streets with old homes. The sense of community. I feel homesick on so many levels now that it’s hard for me to describe. Missing my children, and longing for a life that feels so out of reach. I feel at home out here but my house and my family are so far away – on the wrong coast.

We had a great dinner and it was great to catch up with them. However I’m feeling so confused now and just want to lay down to sleep. I feel so misplaced and am trying so hard to find my way back. I’m still not there yet but the hard part is not knowing how far or near I am or if I’ll ever get there….. Work, family, relationships, community. What I do know though is that I do have some control now over the job so I need to focus on that and see if there is something that could work while still allowing me to achieve a better semblance of living day to day with a much better quality of life for me and my children.

That will be my goal for tomorrow – to see what may be possible.

Til tomorrow,

– Mama K