August 15: Sooooo sad


We just came off from a wonderful weekend. We went to the park and all kids had a great time with slides, and hubby was playing bat and ball with Big Bro. He had a blast. We also went to a surprise birthday party for a friend where there were lots of kids and kids toys – so we felt free to let our kids roam and explore. Then on Sunday I reconnected with two friends/coworkers from YEARS past – I have not seen one in over 12 years and she recently moved out to our city. So it was great to reconnect with everyone and meet everyone’s children. It was also interesting to see how things just don’t skip a beat. So many changes yet we’re still very much the same people.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Big Bro and Red were busy in their rooms playing the games brought to them as gifts from the day before. Big Bro is excited about bringing “Uno” to school. So much so that he was already dressed, was excited about eating breakfast, and kept asking us if it was time to leave yet.
  • Red picked out her clothes too. She was having fun playing with the tiles from another game.
  • I was having trouble finding something comfortable to wear that looked good. I kept seeing panty-lines everywhere and something that was supposed to be loose fitting and concealing made me feel like a plump sausage. I think I changed 3 times this morning until I found something that worked. I must be getting my period soon.
  • I made a big deal about Big Bro and Red picking out their clothes – so Twin Crazy started pulling at her diaper and then disappeared upstairs to look in her closet for clothes too. I couldn’t believe it. SHe also went into the bathroom to find her toothbrush and toothpaste.
  • I helped Red get dressed. She protested the underwear I picked and demanded the new Dora ones – thankfully I knew where they were – in the drying machine. Whew. And there were 20 to pick from so one was easy to find.
  • Twin Husky kept walking around saying “Hiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaa” all morning. Turning the corners, walking into new rooms, with this huge smile on his face and having a great time seeing everyone. He is such an easy child.
  • We were rushed leaving. I think it was because of all of my changing episodes.
  • We greeted our housecleaner who comes on an as-needed basis. I think we see her about once every two months but it feels like we should bring her in more. We started to use her when I was put on bed rest with the Twins so she has seen me from enormous to the two little 6 pounders, to them as 17 month olds walking and talking. She is amazed at how fast everybody is growing – even Big Bro who now looks like a teenager to her.
  • Drop off with REd and Twins went great; we didn’t have time to change Twin Husky’s diaper so he was very soppy.
  • Drop off with Big Bro was EASY since he was so excited about playing UNO with his teacher.

It is beautiful out today – which is unusual for the crappy weather we’ve been having. The sun is out and the city is not covered in fog. It actually feels like summer but of course the air is still cold.

Today at work I will be spending most of my time on a proposal due later this week. I have a meeting at 9 AM which I will be late to; I’ll be running to the office with no breakfast, no coffee, and no makeup. Great.

NOTE to self: I need to start a routine where I bring my breakfast into work. I can’t get by on trail mix.

Highlights of my Working Day:

  • Was late to the 9 AM meeting to discuss our approach for a proposal that is due at the end of the week
  • A different prospective client called me with some clarification questions; revised our proposal based upon his change in direction
  • Did some sales outreach efforts for the firm meeting in October

I had a reasonably bad day today; felt unenergized and down. I met a friend for drinks after work and completely lost it. Sorry Mama J!

Commute home:

I’m on a later ferry because of my plans with Mama J…. I cried way too much with her… Again, sorry Mama J!!! I’m on the ferry now with my eyes all red, and I’m still sniffling and crying. I need to make a decision: 1) pull myself together and pretend to my kids that I’m sick, or 2) go for a walk until they are in bed so they do not witness my despair. I want to see my kids but I’m scared that I’ll cry in front of them…

Someone please help me I’m begging for help but cannot seem to get anywhere. I’m so unhappy…

Made it home and was able to see them and hold it together.   Played cards with Big Bro, read books to Red, tickled Twins.   They all made me smile.

I’m going to sleep now…

Till tomorrow –

– Mama K

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Comments

  1. I totally agree with Cindy! You are such a strong person but sometimes even the strongest among us need help. I don’t think that it’s possible to have a perfectly balanced life. I don’t even try. I dance with my dust bunnies and we live out of laundry baskets and you know what? No one cares! What were you most upset about last night? Maybe if you try to focus on that and not everything at once, it may seem more managable. It’s been a a lot of years since we’ve hung out together but just like Cindy, I still hear the same you. A girl who has a laugh that can light up the world!

    • Thank you Mama N! This means a alot. I’m trying to channel that girl with the infectious laugh and sometimes I see her but most times she’s too far in the distance…. I think I can get her back and have it all. I’m counting on it. I can’t wait to see you again. I will likely be making a trip to see my step-dad over the next several months and will make it a point to get together with you. Maybe we can get Sophia down the same time? I saw Gregg Lindemuth the other night and HE IS EXACTLY THE SAME – same smile, same outlook on life, same energy. It was wonderful to see him.

  2. You are so blessed to have a good friend with whom you can truly share, Mama K! I am so impressed with your incredible work success and your dedicated home life. It breaks my heart to read that you are so unhappy. I went through that similar aching and sadness not that long ago. For me, it was situational. I can’t discern if it is for you, situational or clinical just from reading your posts, though I recall you saying you were seeing a therapist. I guess I remember that smart, funny, happy, social girl, and well, life has a way of beating us down, but that girl, I am sure she’s still in there. Something is not balanced, and with all of life’s challenges, it is nearly impossible to achieve balance 100% of the time. But at some point we feel safe enough in those darkest moments to unveil what makes us so unhappy, and it is only in those moments, that we realize our strength to make the change that will help us to eventually find balance and inner peace, and ultimately, happiness. It’s not always as simple as “to work or not to work.” What makes you uniquely you? What defines you? What adjectives do you like of that answer, and what would you rather do without? Do you feel like you are just going through the motions of what is expected of you at this age? Obviously if there’s a physical imbalance, then I’m sure you are working with health professionals to achieve a therapeutic outcome that’s best suited for you. It all begins and ends with you, Kim. Only you have the power to reveal your innermost feelings and fears. Only you can make the changes to achieve balance. Either way you look at it, its a challenge you face in an effort to do so. But I remember that girl, and she will not be defeated!

    • Cindy – I wish I spent more time with you in High School. You are amazing. Thank you so much for these thoughts. every story is different as you say – and there are alot of things that are complicated for me at the moment besides the kids and work; what I’m going through is definitely situational and me and hubby are working hard (I think) to fix things and make it easier on all. I think our family needs to make some BIG changes and I am more flexible and free-spirited and it feels like I’m being held back in so many ways which is hard to deal with when status quo is not working…. so I need to be more patient and hope/have faith that things will come together. The happy laughing girl does come out but not as often – I feel the need to lift the weight that is bogging me and my family down and I am convinced that once we do that I/we will be in a better place. Thank you so much for listening – I have a lot to learn from you and wish you were closer – where do you live now? Will you be at the 25 year HS reunion?

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